Page 65 of Don't Puck Up
God, just the thought of being able to live authentically was so uplifting. It was like stretching my wings for the first time, readying to fly.
“I’m so tired of hiding. I’ve got nothing left.” I shook my head and took her hands in mine, interlacing our fingers. “I’ve seen the toll it’s taken on you too. I forced you back in the closet, and not only that, but I demanded—I didn’t even fucking ask—that you take the blame for my actions, and it’s cost you so dearly.”
Kam’s lip trembled, and a tear rolled down her cheek. I leaned in and pressed a kiss to her forehead and breathed her in.
“I’m so sorry for hurting you. Fear was driving me; it still does far too often. That half-assed statement I released when we got back from Fiji wasn’t good enough for Hux. It definitely didn’t even come close to fixing the damage I did to you. I’m sorry. I’ll never be able to undo my inaction, but I have a chance to fix this now. Please let me try.”
Kam nodded and whispered, “Thank you.” She slid her arms around my waist, and I pulled her into my lap, holding her close as she cried in my arms.
She sucked in a wobbly breath and lifted her face to mine. Her cheeks were tear-stained and her green eyes bloodshot. I wiped her cheeks with my thumbs and pressed another kiss to her forehead.
“I’d like to come out too,” she said.
I blinked and grinned. “Yeah?” She nodded again and gave me a small smile and I enveloped her in my arms, hugging her tight. “I’m sick of us having to constantly look over our shoulders and pick our words. We did nothing wrong by seeing Hux, and yet you were judged so badly for it because of me. That wasn’t fair on you.Iwasn’t fair. I don’t want us to have to hide anymore, or keep secrets. I just want us to be able to be ourselves and be proud of it. It’s taken me a long time to get here, but I’m ready. I want to own my truth.”
Kam reached up and cupped my cheek. “If there's any chance of us having a future with V, I want it.”
“Me too. Coming out is the first step.”
Kam pressed her lips together, and I could tell she was choosing her words. “Your parents aren’t likely to react well. You might lose them over this. Are you sure?”
“I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I spoke with Locke on Thanksgiving about coming out. It’s been on my mind since well before then.”
“Are you prepared for the fallout with your parents?”
I huffed out a laugh, but it held no humor, and I shook my head. “Honestly? I don’t know. But I’m hoping your dad might do what he does best and smooth things over so it’s not a complete disaster.”
“He will.”
“You make me brave, baby. So does V. I want us to be able to be with him for real. But it’s right there in black and white—we can't be together unless something changes. I don’t want to fuck up like I did with Hux. I want to be brave like he was when he met Cara and Roe, and like Locke was when he proved to Hollywood that a bi guy can be a movie star.”
Kam smiled, the first genuine one I’d seen since we’d woken up. "Let’s book a flight."
***
“Mom, hi,” I greeted.
We were getting coffee at Palm Springs International, waiting to be called for the first leg of our journey. We’d managed to get an early morning flight out of Big Bear to Palm Springs, then a connecting one to Boston via Phoenix. We wouldn’t arrive in Boston until midnight given the layover, but I’d booked a room at the airport hotel, and we could take a rideshare to my parents in the morning. With any luck, it would be a quick few-hours’ visit, another night in the hotel celebrating, and an early morning flight back to San Diego.
“Chris, it’s good to hear from you, love. How are you?”
The truth was, my empty stomach was churning, my palms were sweaty, and I was ready to puke—I was tempted to find a bar and get a few shots past tipsy, except I didn’t want Kam to have to drag my drunk ass around. But I couldn’t tell Mom any of that.
“I’m good. Listen, Mom, Kam and I had the weekend free, so we’ve hopped on a flight to come and see you.”
“Really?” She sounded excited.
It’d been years since we’d been home. My folks made the trip to San Diego last year to visit, and Kam’s came just before the shitstorm with TMZ, but we hadn’t even thought about seeing them since. Kam’s sister had cut off all contact with her, and things were still tense between Kam and her mother. Then there were my brothers and their perfect wives with their perfect bounty of offspring—hands down, those kids were the best part of our family, so no shade to them, but they did make us look terrible. No matter how successful a hockey player I was, we would never measure up to them in my siblings’ or my parents’ eyes.
Or maybe I was projecting all that.
Maybe, because I knew I was different, I held myself at a distance and never let them close enough to disappoint me. Whatever the reasons, things had to change. I was done playing this role. I wanted to throw off the mask I’d been wearing my whole life and finally be me.
“Can we come over for lunch tomorrow?”
“Yes, of course. I’ll invite John and Collette over, too, and cook your favorites.” I could hear shuffling and a door opening and closing. “Peter, Chris is coming home for the weekend. He’ll be here tomorrow.”
It didn’t escape my attention that Mom hadn’t mentioned a word about Kam. I bit my tongue, not wanting to get into an argument with her over it. There would be plenty of time for that tomorrow.