Page 63 of Don't Puck Up

If I didn’t, I’d become their worst nightmare, not their fantasy.

Social media was a special kind of hell for me, but if I logged on, I’d see my name tagged in thousands of photos. I’d see TMZ reporting on where I’d headed. They probably already had someone scouting the front of the property. It wasn’t the first time it had happened. It was the very reason why I’d bought this chalet—I’d needed privacy, somewhere I could disappear to even if it were just for a night.

I finished dressing, slipped on my boots, and swallowed hard. I exhaled slowly and resisted the urge to bang my head against the front door. Behind me was warmth and comfort. In front, a cold, icy, unforgiving road leading me away from the people I loved. But there was only one direction I could take.

I opened the door and slipped out, bracing myself against the chill.

Shivering, I made a run for the garage where I’d stored my clothes and slipped into my extra layers, desperate to warm up.

With shaking fingers, I sent them text after text, my thoughts tumbling out of me. They would be the last texts I’d send them. They had to be. Once I’d said what I needed to, I had to block their numbers. I needed to cut myself off cold turkey, or I’d never walk away. And I had to, for Chris’s sake.

I’m sorry. It’s not enough, but I truly am. The truth is that I should never have let things get this far. I should have walked away from you both in Fiji

Fuck, I should never have even come to you in the first place

But I’m a weak bastard who couldn’t bear to cut you out of my life. I need to, though

I sucked in a wobbly breath, blinking to clear the tears from my eyes. My heart hurt, the pain in my chest a visceral ache that stole my breath.

I could never regret you. You’re both incredible. I love every moment we’re together. I never want to leave. But this time I have to, and I can’t come back. I can’t see you anymore

I can’t protect you if we’re together

Chris, you’ll be outed whether you want to be or not. It’s just not worth it. I would never put you in that position

I’ll never out you. I’ll never break your trust. This time between us will always be our secret

I promise you, I’ll never tell anyone

I looked up and sucked in a slow breath, trying to ease the tightness that was suffocating me. The darkness surrounding me was as deep as the abyss I’d thrown myself into. There wasn’t a single light at the end of the tunnel. Apt considering how much time I’d spent in the shadows of late.

I know my word is meaningless when you don’t even know my name, but trust me, it’s better that way. My anonymity was to protect you as much as it was for me

I’m sorry I can’t stay. I’m sorry that this has to be goodbye. Being your secret was the best thing that’s ever happened to me

I choked out a sob and leaned back against the cold stone wall, bracing myself so I didn’t fall on my arse. I wiped the tears streaming down my cheeks with the back of my hand and resisted the urge to go back inside, beg for forgiveness, and try to make things work. Instead, I ordered a rideshare and powered down my cell phone.

I needed to go. For them. I just wish things could have been different.

twenty-two

Minns

We’d been staring at the string of text messages silently for an hour. The emotions running through me were loud, demanding attention. They were strangling me, the mix of anger, sadness, frustration, and hurt bubbling in my veins like lava. They were taunting me, tempting me to lash out. But I’d learned from a decade or more of hiding to focus instead. I channeled every one of those emotions and more into determination. I closed my eyes and concentrated, converting his words into high octane fuel to drive me forward. Like a jet engine, they gave me the power I needed to fix everything I’d been using as excuses.

I wasn’t ready for us to end, and this time I was going to fight for who and what I wanted. V with us. Permanently and without secrets. I wanted to walk down the street, his and Kam’s hands in mine, and be proud of who I was.

I wanted to give both of them the love they deserved without hiding.

That decision should have terrified me. It was one I’d been avoiding since I’d realized I wasn’t straight. I’d been ducking and dodging ever since. The process of coming out did terrify me, but it had taken me until now to realize the end goal was worth it.

That having V with us was worth it.

Every other man and woman we’d seen, whether for one night or more, had been filling in time until this point.

But no more. We wanted him, and to have him, things needed to change.

It gutted me that a man who’d I’d genuinely liked as a friend and enjoyed hooking up with had been hurt in the process. I owed Hux another apology. Everything I’d put him through had been multiplied ten-fold with TMZ’s coverage. I didn’t appreciate just how much I’d hurt him and how isolated he must have felt until now.