Page 65 of Dirty Beasts: Chance

Tears leak down my cheeks, and I let them. Chance notices, and as if he can read my mind or see what I’m feeling, he knows there’s nothing he can or needs to say. His presence is enough. He caresses my thigh and he drives, and lets the silence breathe.

For the first time since that car smashed my knee into dust, I feel like maybe, just maybe…

I’ll be okay.

10The Feeling of Freedom

Chance

We’re in San Diego, parked near a beach not far from downtown. Annika is staring at her phone, her thumb hovering over the green call button, Kelly’s phone number displayed across the screen.

“You can do it,” I tell her. “It’s okay. Just…go into it knowing the worst thing that’ll happen is she might say she doesn’t want to see you. She may not be able to get over it. That’s a possibility. Once you accept the worst possibility…” I shrug. “You’re more than halfway there.”

She wipes her face with one hand. “I’m scared. In some ways, her forgiveness means more to me than Mom’s, or Erin or Gram.” A shake of her head. “She wasn’t family, she was…my best friend. More than a best friend, more than a sister. I was closer to her than anyone else on the planet. And when she cut me out? I honestly contemplated suicide, after she told me not to call her again—losing her was that painful.”

“All you can do is try.”

She nods. “Actually…” She frowns at the phone. “Can I call her from your phone? This is the same number I’ve had for years, so there’s a good possibility she won’t answer if she knows it’s me.”

I unlock my phone and hand it to her. She dials the number, hesitates, and then she stabs the call button with her thumb, as if to do so before she can chicken out. She holds the phone to her ear, letting out a long, slow, nervous breath.

I hear it click, and faint voice say, “Hello?”

“Kelly?” Her voice shakes, threatening to break. “It’s me. It’s Annika.” She puts it on speaker, presses the top edge of the phone against her forehead, eyes shut, leaking tears.

Kelly’s voice is hard and cold as ice. “Annika, I told you—”

“Please, Kelly, just…listen. For two minutes, please.”

A sigh. “Fine. What, Annika? You gotta know I’m not giving you money.”

“No, I…no. Kelly, I’m clean. I’ve been clean for almost eight months.”

“Congratulations.” Pause. “Is that it?”

“No—Kelly, I…I don’t want anything from you. Not…not like that. I just…I need to see you. Please? I want to talk to you in person. I’m in San Diego. I drove here to see you, because the things I need to say you to I need to say face to face.”

A longer pause, a shaky breath. “Goddammit, Annie. I promised myself I was done. With you. I can’t…I can’t go through that again, what you put me through.”

“I understand, Kel. I swear I get it. And if you still don’t want to be in my life after we talk, I’ll understand that. But part of my…part of the process of moving on from all that shit is making amends. Asking for forgiveness from all the people I fucked over. So I can let it all go and put it behind me. Please. Just…give me fifteen minutes, face to face. Please. If that’s all you can give me, then I swear I’ll leave and you’ll never hear from me again, I just—”

“Fine,” she snaps over me. “God,fine. But if this is all some scam, Annie, I swear to fucking god…”

“It’s not. I promise.”

“Double pinky swear, cross your heart?” There’s a teasing, hopeful note in Kelly’s voice, which even I can pick up on, and I don’t even know the woman.

Annika laughs, a soft sniffling, tearful laugh. “Yeah, Kel. Double pinky swear, cross my heart, no take backs.”

Kelly laughs, and then says, “I’ll send you a pin. Is this a new number, or is this someone else’s phone?”

“Someone else’s. My number is the same.”

“You figured I wouldn’t answer if your name came up on the screen.”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“That’s fair. I wouldn’t have.” Kelly hesitates. “Who is he?”