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GHOST

I need to see her face to be able to come. It’s always been the same and I know she fucking remembers me. She knows who I am. She fucking has to, or it means I’m nothing to her and I can’t accept a world where Delilah took over my life only to forget me.

There’s a small voice telling me to remove everything and let her see me without a barrier as I slowly raise to my full height and change my gloves, but I need her to prove herself or I truly meant nothing to her. All of the answers are there, all she has to do is remember me, remember who she said knock-knock to. But she never thinks, she just does what she wants and forgets everyone who isn’t important to her, otherwise she would have known who I was that the first day when I had the gas mask on.

She knew who you were on the cliff, my mind unhelpfully fucking gloats. She knew you when you showed her your face.

I argue with myself, like a crazy fuck. But she doesn’t get to fucking forget, not when all I’ve had are those memories to keep me warm and stop the desolation.

She doesn’t get to forget me, her sins, or that she doesn’t deserve a moment of peace.

A shiver wracks her body and makes the leather restraints creak. I’m gentle as I undo each strap and prop her feet on the stool I was sitting on while I waited for her to wake up before the sun slowly begins to rise. I pause.

Sunrise was always the marker of when she would leave me. We’d watch them together and it’s serendipitous that it’s a sunrise that marks the end of our game. I’m going to be victorious either way because I’ve predicted the only two outcomes that she could possibly have.

She remembers me and she hasn’t changed.

She doesn’t and I was interchangeable to her.

I remove the latch of the enforced coffin and slide the side panel out to free her of the chains. She’s still twitching with spit on her face, soil marking her skin showing where the creatures have traveled and tracked it to. Her arms drop as soon as I remove the metal cuffs.

The top panel is removed next, and I stroke her cheek with the back of my fingers as I whisper, “Hey, my pretty girl.”

She doesn’t say anything back to me and her lashes flutter as I gently lift her out of the insects and the rat that took up residence against her hair. Cradling her to my chest, I walk through the trees to a clearing, so we have an unobstructed view of the sunrise, and the birds’ melodious chirps echo around us as the sky slowly lightens.

When I reach the blanket I laid on the ground while she was unconscious, I lower and place Delilah over my thighs. My lips rest against her temple and I take the spare blanket to wrap around her. She moans, nuzzling into me, and my body slowly sways on some muscle memory.

“I don’t know if I still love you,” I confess. “I don’t know if I’m capable of it anymore.”

There’s no response other than slow blinking and I rest my forehead on hers as I continue, “All the love I had for you was so pure, but it’s hate now. I’ve dreamt of your death and fantasized about it being at my hand, but like this, I can’t do it. I can’t kill you when my Delilah is in front of me. The one who would look for me in a sea of hundreds who wanted her attention.”

Her eyes soften and there’s no hint of a lie in her voice as she whispers, “I’m sorry I’m not your Delilah. I’m not even mine, Ghost. I don’t know who I am. So, I’m sorry to myself first and I’m sorry to you second.”

“Did you ever love me?” I ask below a whisper.

She audibly gulps and I have my answer. Yet, I still wait as the birds sing in harmony. Birdsong is supposed to be peaceful, something soothing, but there’s no soothing the ache in my chest.

My next question is even lower, and I don’t want to know the answer.

“Do you love him ?”

Tears line up on her lashes and she slowly blinks, pushing them off the ledge, and they slip down her cheeks as her low, pained voice disturbs the peaceful notes.

“I love who Asher became.”

I nod and it’s not satisfying being right, but this game has ended for the time being, and there’s just one innocent thing I want before I’m declared the loser.

“Ask me to kiss you, koukla mou,” I whisper against her lips.

Delilah frees one arm from the blanket and cups my cheek over the mask. I flinch away from her gentle touch on instinct now that we’re entering unknown territory, but she doesn’t remove her hand and slows her movements as she gives me one thing for the infinite she’s taken from me.

“Kiss me,” she says softly.

I don’t close my eyes as I softly move my lips over hers. I sink into her and silently beg her to change her answer. To say she has never loved him, that there isn’t any other choice. She doesn’t, she never fucking does, and I pull back.

I allow the birdsong to calm me and watch the sky turn from navy to light blue before whispering, “Run.”

She doesn’t waste a second and jumps up on her shaky legs. I don’t move as she winces with each step and watches me. My eyes slowly close and I take in a deep breath before I stand, ready to go in the opposite direction, but she hasn’t gotten very far when she stumbles, and I walk towards her. I lower to my haunches to pick her up, but she swings her arm back and smacks me in the head with a fucking rock.

My ear pops from the force of it slamming against my skull and she pushes her shoulder into my chest, knocking me off-balance. I grab her ankle before she can escape, and she starts fucking screaming when she’s the one who attacked me.

“HELP!”

I climb over her and straddle her hips, but she keeps fucking screaming.

“HELP! FIRE!”

Maybe she is fucking crazy.

Her arms swing wildly and I’m too focused on prying the rock out of her hand as I grab her wrist that I don’t notice her other hand until it latches onto the ski mask. Her fingers slip through the hole around my mouth while she shouts about a non-existent fire.

“Delilah. Fucking. Stop,” I grit out.

She drops the rock and I grab her other wrist pulling the mask. Her fist slams into my kidneys and pushes her palm against my throat. I said the game is over and I’m not trying to hurt her now. Not after a sunrise. Those have meaning and I won’t taint it.

But she’s a fucking crazy bitch and her nails score against my neck where she’s managed to pull the mask free from my skin. Fuck this. She’s too fucking energetic and I wrap my hands around her neck, alternating the pressure until her hands weaken their assault and her lashes flutter.