Page 54 of Desired By you (Always & Forever #3)

Chapter Forty Five

Brad

I stare at the wall, swigging whiskey straight from the bottle now.

I’ve gone past using the glass that’s beside me on the floor.

I don’t know when I last slept. Maybe three days.

Every time I close my eyes, I see Scotty lying on the floor.

Every time I look down at my hands, I see his blood trickling between my fingers.

I’ve scrubbed my hands so many times to get rid of it that I’ve made them raw.

There’s a heaviness in my chest that only she made feel lighter.

Everything that’s happened the past few months has fucked me up and I can feel myself slipping.

I play the voicemail from Dad over and over.

“Marco, I need an answer. Tick tock, if you don’t find a way, then I will.”

To further prolong my torture, I open up the file of photos the photographer sent me from Gabriella’s photoshoot.

I swipe right, one photo after the other.

Each one more beautiful than the last. Her wide smile, her dazzling eyes, her sexy poses feel like repeated punches to the gut.

I throw my phone aside and drag a hand over my face.

I’m drowning here. I don’t know which way to turn other than hoping I’ll find it at the bottom of a bottle.

I ball my hand into a fist, pissed at myself for letting someone have control over my emotions.

This is why I don’t feel, don’t let people in, keep to my routines.

I was stupid enough to believe I could control how I felt about her, I had control over everything else but not her, not the way I feel about her, and now she’s with someone who doesn’t see her worth and there’s not a thing I can do about it. I’ve never felt so weak in my life.

In a moment of desperation, I text her earlier to tell I missed her, that I needed her.

There’s a pain in my heart that only she can heal but I don’t know how much longer I can be around her and watch her be with someone else.

I should have told her sooner how I felt about her, then maybe I wouldn’t have to miss her.

I thought I could handle just having pieces of her, but it seems I need all of her.

I pick up the glass and launch it, watching it hit the wall and shatter to the ground the same way my heart is right now. I take another swig of whiskey and my ears prick up when I hear her familiar voice. “Brad, are you here?”

She comes round the corner and her face falls when she looks down at me.

“Your door was open. Are you okay?” There’s concern in her voice as she scans the mess that is my apartment.

“Never better, baby girl,” I slur, waving the bottle of whiskey before I take another sip, gasping when the burn hits the back of my throat.

“How much have you drank?”

“Your guess is as good as mine. I lost count after glass number eight or was it ten?!” I snort and take another sip. She snatches the bottle from my grip and I growl. “What the fuck?”

“You’ve had enough,” she says sternly.

“You don’t get to decide that. I’ll decide when I’ve had enough.” I try to snatch the bottle back, but my back hits the cupboard door.

“You’ve proven my point; you can barely sit up. What have you done to yourself? This isn’t you.” There’s an edge of sadness and concern in her tone, and I scoff.

“Don’t act like you care, Gabriella,”

“I do care.” She looks wounded and it turns my stomach knowing I am the cause. I’m being an ass. I reached out and she came. I should be pulling her in and yet I’m here pushing her away.

“I don’t know what’s happening to me. I had everything under control and then…”

“And then what?’ she asks softly, placing her hands on my thighs and scooting in between my legs.

“Then you happened.” I want to reach out and hold her. “You spun into my world and made feel again,” I say, hitting my chest with my fist.

“You brought something inside of me back to life and now you’re gone, and you took it with you.”

She cups my face, the soft pad of her thumb brushes over my cheek. “Oh, baby, what have you done to yourself?” she whispers, and her words feel like a sharp dagger to the heart.

I squeeze my eyes shut and move my head, so her hand falls away. “Don’t, don’t call me that.”

“What?”

“Baby. That’s what you should be calling him, right? He’s yours.”

She chokes out a sob and her tears free fall down her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

Watching her fall apart begins to break down my walls. I can’t have her believing this is all her doing.

“It’s my fault. I pushed you into his arms. I let you walk away without a fight because I thought you deserved better than what I could give you. I was just trying to keep you safe.”

“Safe from what?” Her brows furrow.

“Me and everything my fucked up life could do to you.”

“I’ve messed up too. It’s not all on you and I’m trying to fix it.” She hangs her head in shame.

“Let me help you.” I reach out and wipe her tears away.

She shakes her head. “You can’t. I’ve got to do this on my own.”

“What happened to you when you were younger? Please let me in and tell me because the things I’m imagining are keeping me awake at night.”

She covers her face with her hands, and I reach for her wrists and pull them apart.

“I’d never judge you. I just need to know. Please. It's eating me up inside.”

I release her wrists, and she sucks in a deep breath.

“It was my fault. I put myself in a situation I know I shouldn’t have been in and I’m now living with the consequences of it.”

“Just tell me, please,” I beg, needing to understand what she’s been through.

She adjusts her position, getting into a more comfortable one.

I trail my gaze down her body where I see her twisting the bangle I gave her and I brace myself for whatever words she's getting ready to utter about her past. “When I was fifteen, I snuck out and went to a party I wasn’t supposed to be at. It was the first time I tasted alcohol. I got drunk, passed out, and a guy I had been texting filmed us having sex.”

My blood runs cold.

“I didn’t have any memory of it. I only found out when he sent the video to my dad, threatening to leak it if my dad didn’t pay him a ton of money.”

“What the fuck?” I hiss.

“My dad paid him and secured the copies of the videos and destroyed them. My parents moved us to New York. We never talked about it, but they never looked at me the same, especially my dad. It could have ruined his career. They put me in a therapy group and that’s where I met Ali and Ria.

I always felt like a fraud at that group, like I didn’t have a right to be there. ”

“What, why?”

“Because I wasn’t assaulted. What happened to me was my own doing.”

I blink rapidly. Is she fucking serious?

“Gabriella, what happened to you, that… that was rape.”

She shakes her head. “No, no, don’t say that. I put myself in that situation. I knew I shouldn’t have been there. I liked him.”

“Did you consent or have memory of consenting?” She shakes her head and I grind my teeth.

“That’s rape, Gabriella. He took advantage of you and then used it against you.

” A burn in my chest has me rubbing it with my palm.

“He should have gone down for what he did. Your dad should have…” My words are cut short when sobs wrack her body and I reach out and hold her and having her in my arms sobers me.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I’m sorry that happened to you.

But it wasn’t your fault. You are not the villain in this story.

He is. Your parents are. They should have protected you, not blamed you. ”

I hold her till she stops crying, until her small frame molds into mine and I press a kiss into her silk hair. “It wasn’t your fault.”

She pulls back, wiping her tears and lets out a long breath.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? For what?” I ask in confusion.

“For breaking down like that. I thought I’d dealt with it all, but maybe I haven’t.

It just got brushed under the carpet when it happened.

Other than therapy, I never talked about it with my parents.

I just spent my days trying to make it up to them, for ruining their life, moving, risking my dad’s job. ”

“Is this why you’re with Patrick? To please your parents? To make up for shit that wasn’t your fault?”

“It’s complicated.” She sniffs.

“Help me understand how.”

Silence falls between us, and I watch as she twiddles the bracelet once again.

“Do you love him?” I ask, not really wanting the answer.

She just shakes her head and relief floods my body.

“Then leave him.” I know I’m not thinking clearly. I know my dad’s threats are looming over my head still, but right now, all I see is her, and I need her. It’s selfish and reckless, but I don’t care.

“Be with me. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.” My voice cracks and suddenly it feels hard to breathe.

“It’s not as simple as that.” She says it so quietly I almost miss it.

“What hold does he have over you? Has he hurt you too?”

She doesn’t say anything, and that makes my mind spiral. Has he touched her, forced her to do something? Hit her?

The black hole that’s been threatening to drag me in reappears in my mind and images from my past flash through my mind.

My dad’s fists connecting with my jaw when I fucked up, my uncle’s kicks to the kidneys as I lay on the ground curled in a ball.

Scotty on the desert ground, bleeding out, his thick dark blood coating my hands as I try desperately to bring him back to life, Cassidy lifeless on the ground as I pump her chest, Ali’s accident, Harry breaking down in my arms. The thought of some piece of shit taking advantage of Gabriella and then the image of Patrick holding Gabriella down and hurting her all becomes too much.

My chest feels incapable of expanding and I fist the fabric of my suit pants and reach out for her hand. “I can’t… I can’t...”

“Hey, hey look at me.” Gabriella’s voice sounds far away, but logically I know she’s there and I fight to stay present.

Her small hand presses against my chest, covering my heart. It hammers against her palm and her warm hand cradles my face.

I try desperately to suck in greedy breaths, but it doesn’t feel enough. My vision blurs, my mouth goes dry, and I feel like I can’t steal enough air to breathe.

“Focus on my voice and feel my hand. Focus on those two things.”

“I… I can’t…” I try to say, but the words won’t come.

“Ssssshhhh, it’s okay,” she soothes. “Breathe in and out. Look at me and just be with me. It’s just you and me. Be with me in this moment.” Her firm hand presses firmer over my chest and her voice feels like it’s closer. “I’ll chase away your demons, even its just for a little while.”

My breathing begins to slow. I focus on her voice and cover my hand with hers, lacing our fingers as my chest rises and falls beneath our connected hands.

She presses her forehead to mine and whispers, “Just tell me what you need, and I’ll give it to you.”

I swallow down the lump in my throat.

“You. I just need you. I need you to help me breathe again.”

I close my eyes, preparing for her rejection but her soft lips dust mine and she climbs into my lap and straddles me.

I weave my fingers into her hair and pull her closer, I kiss her like she’s my oxygen supply, the only thing keeping me alive, because that’s exactly how it feels and that scares me, I can’t put that pressure on her.

I need to save myself. I can’t rely on her to do it.

Sometimes things have to fall apart in order to be rebuilt, stronger and better than before.

I need to give her some space, to figure out what she wants and who she wants.

I can’t force it. It has to come from her.

“You’ve always had me, I just, I need…”

“Time,” I say finishing her sentence. She nods.

“Just give me something Gabriella please, give me hope that one day I’ll win you back, that there’s still a piece of your heart that belongs to me because all of mine belongs to you.”

Her words are soft, but I hear them. “Brad, I need you to know. Everything I’m doing, it’s so I can come back to you. Just hold me like I’m still yours for tonight, please.”