CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
TARA
Before senior year began, Sadie and I raided Hobby Lobby, and made vision boards for ourselves, highlighting all our hopes and dreams and the important things we wanted to achieve before we graduated and got thrown into the real world.
Some of the things were outrageous. For example, I mod podged a photo of Mark and I standing in front of the Eiffel Tower. Neither one of us had passports, and even if I did, my parents would never allow me to visit another country without them.
But most of the things on the vision board were feasible. I wanted to celebrate my eighteenth birthday with a family trip to the Outer Banks. Uncle Shady and Bianca were always raving about it, and I had never been. I figured we could make a family vacation out of it. Maybe Sadie would come too if her dad let her.
Growing my TikTok and finally making money from all the videos I posted was high on the list of things I wanted to accomplish too.
Another hope of mine was to graduate with honors and be accepted to the college of my choice. If that happened, then I’d likely accomplish another goal on the board, which was a weekend in New York City. I wanted to see The Little Mermaid on Broadway and visit the Empire State Building. Oh, and I wanted to try authentic Chinese food from China town, none of that General Tso’s crap from Panda Express.
It never occurred to me that I would get diagnosed with cancer. For if it had, my vision board would look totally different. For starters there would only be one thing on it.
A single word.
Live.
It’s been days since I collapsed in the bathroom, and twenty-four hours since I learned what Erwing Sarcoma is. I’ve been sent for tests more times than I can count, and every few hours a nurse hooks up another bag of fluids to my IV. I don’t even know what’s in there. Words like surgery, chemo, and radiation play on a constant loop inside my head. I look forward to the pain meds because they knock me out, and when I’m sleeping, I can pretend I’m not the cancer girl.
Sweet dreams invade me, and I’m transcended back to Capone’s room. Between the fever that wouldn’t go away and the pain that shot from my hip to my leg, I felt like garbage, but I’d give anything to live those moments again. To lay in that bed and feel him next to me. To have him look at me the way he did and kiss me like I was the only girl he wanted to kiss for the rest of his life.
Then I wake to the sound of my mother crying, and I stare at the fluorescent lights above me. She dries her eyes as soon as she realizes I’m no longer sleeping, and suffocates me with love, but I know she’s falling apart.
My dad is too.
He can barely look at me, which is kind of sad because I still look like me. What’s he going to do when I don’t? When the chemo starts, and I lose my hair—I won’t look like his little girl anymore.
I think my mom has caught on to his diversion toward me. She called my uncle to come and get him from the hospital, and he hasn’t been back since. I know there is trouble with the club. On top waking up and learning I have cancer, I also discovered my mother was shot that same night. Luckily the bullet only grazed her skin. My nurse keeps an eye on her flesh wound because she will only leave my side to go to the bathroom. I think if someone offered her a bed pan, she would take it that way she didn’t have to leave me at all.
I love her, but I need a break. All this I’m pretending I’m strong, so she doesn’t fall apart is exhausting.
I need to cry and grieve. Then maybe I can accept it.
A knock sounds on the door, and my mom quickly stands from the chair next to my bed, ready to greet whatever physician is here to poke and prod at me.
My dad walks in instead, my brother Shepard at his side. I fix the mask to my face the moment my eyes land on my little brother, and I spot the tears streaming down his cheeks.
Be strong.
Don’t cry.
“Don’t look at me like that, Holly. He wanted to see his sister.”
When my parents got divorced, I did my best to shield Shepard from a lot of things. Being the oldest, I had all kinds of memories of our parents. I saw them happy and in love and miserable and apart. I didn’t want Shep to only remember our parents mad at one another, not when they loved each other so much.
Sensing they’re on the brink of arguing; I do what I do best. “Mom. Dad. Can you not do this right now? And if you must, can you do it out in the hallway so I can spend some time with my brother?”
That shuts them up and my dad actually braves a glance in my direction. What he doesn’t say with words, he says with his eyes. I don’t know if he even realizes it.
Forcing a weak smile, I mouth the words I love you too .
He presses his hand to his chest before turning to my mother. “Come on, Holly. Let’s give these two some time alone.”
Clenching her fists at her side, she glares at my dad for a minute. Then she kisses Shep’s cheek, and rounds the bed to give me one too.
“I will be right outside the door.” Her voice cracks, but she continues, “You yell if you need me.”
“I’ll be fine. The only way I’d be better is if you and dad went down to the cafeteria and got me some snacks. A bag of Doritos and Sour Patch Kids if they have them.”
The thought of food actually makes me want to vomit, but if I send her on a wild goose chase, then maybe I can stop wearing this stupid mask.
“If they don’t have it, I’ll send Capone to get you whatever you want,” Dad says, ushering my mother toward the door.
At the mention of Capone, I perk up. His sister Lucia works in the hospital, and she’s been checking on me regularly, but she keeps things professional, and never mentions her brother. I’ve been tempted to ask her if she knows why he hasn’t visited me, but my mother is always hanging around, and the less she knows the better.
“Wait,” I call out to them. “Capone is here?”
My dad glances at me from over his shoulder. “Baby, he’s been here since day one. Never leaves.”
Right. I almost forgot that I’m his job. How silly of me.
“Well, he can’t ward off the invisible enemy that is cancer, so you can take him off Tara duty.”
“He’s not here following orders, Tara. I ordered him to go home the night you were brought in, and he won’t leave.” He brings his eyes to my mom, and I notice her shoulders stiffen. Before I can ask any more questions, they walk out of the hospital room.
“Mom isn’t letting anyone come see you,” Shep reveals once the door closes behind our parents.
“Why?”
“I don’t know. Dad thinks its because she wants you to herself.” He looks down and shuffles his feet. “I think she’s being selfish.” His voice cracks on that last word, but he lifts his chin to stare me straight in the eye. “Are you going to die?”
When you hear the word cancer, you automatically assume the worst. It becomes a death sentence to whoever it is that’s been diagnosed.
“The survival rate for the type of cancer I have is pretty high, especially if its detected early.”
A tear slips down his cheek.
“I don’t want you to die, Tara.”
Hearing my brother say those words to me is just about undoing, but I won’t break in front of him. Just like I need to be strong for my parents, I need to be strong for him and Theo.
“And leave you?” I rasp, plastering a smile to my face. “Never.”
He wipes his eyes, but more tears continue to fall. “Can I hug you?”
“Of course you can hug me.” He closes the distance between us and I open my arms for him. Normally he’d rush into me and knock the wind out of me before doing something gross like sticking his wet finger in my ear. This hug is nothing like that, though. It’s almost as if he’s afraid he’ll break me, that’s why I squeeze him with all my might.
“I’m so happy you’re okay,” I whisper. “I don’t know all the details of what happened at Sally’s, but I know it was ugly, and I wish you didn’t have to see any of that.”
“It was awful, Tara. I saw the bullet fly past mom and hit Birdie’s cousin, Emmy,” he says as he cries into my shoulder. “Ink tried to stop the bleeding, but he couldn’t. She died in his arms, and all I kept thinking is that could’ve been mom. Then we found out about you, and I don’t know…it just feels like our family is on this crazy rollercoaster and no matter how many times we beg and plead for someone to let us off the ride, they don’t.”
His arms tighten slightly around me, and I press my lips to crown of his head.
“I’m so sorry, Shep.”
Sniffling, he pulls out of my arms. “Me too. I overheard Dad talking to Uncle Shady, and I’m scared for what happens next.”
I want to tell him he doesn’t have to be scared, that our dad will figure things out, but his feelings are valid. When you grow up like we did, you never know what’s going to happen next. There is always someone or something waiting to wreak havoc on us and all we can do is sit and wait for the next blow.
This time feels a little different though, and maybe that’s because our family is battling two things, and we have control over none of them.
“I promised dad I wouldn’t upset you, and I feel like I’m doing a crappy job at that. But I know how to make it up to you.” He offers me a crooked grin, one that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Spell panda using only two letters.”
Word puzzles and riddles have always been mine and Shep’s thing, and that’s how we spend the next few minutes. Our parents return and they don’t appear to be fighting anymore.
“They didn’t have Sour Patch Kids,” Dad says, shoving his hands into his pockets as mom opens the bag of Doritos for me.
Great, now I have to eat them.
“Thanks, I’m starving.”
“Your dad is making me go home to shower,” Mom reveals as I take a bite of a chip. “He’s going to stay with you, and I’ll be back in about an hour." Her eyes cut to my dad. “You’ll call me if the oncologist comes in or if there are any other developments?”
He sighs. “The nurse already told us not to expect to see the doctor until later this afternoon when the rest of the oncology team comes in.”
She bites the inside of her cheek. “Fine. I’ll go.” Turning her attention to me, she leans over and kisses my cheek. “I love you.”
“Love you too, mom.”
Shep comes and gives me a kiss too before he follows our mom out of the room. Alone with just my dad, I continue to eat the chips while he paces in front of me.
This is new for us. We’re not the type of father and daughter that don’t know how to act around one another. We joke, and tease each other, and we’re always straight with one another. I’ve never been afraid to say what’s on my mind, and he’s never dismissed me. But he’s hurting, and I know for the first time in his life, he’s scared, and I don’t know how to comfort him.
Someone knocks on the door, and my dad stops pacing. Dragging in a deep breath, he braces his hands on his hips and turns his attention toward me.
“You feel like company?”
I don’t. I’m tired, and faking it for him is one thing, but faking it in front of other people—well, I just don’t have it in me. Still, I force a smile figuring it’s probably my uncle. He always finds a way to make things better whenever I’m feeling down, usually it’s a trip to Sephora.
“Sure, I’d love to see someone who isn’t mom.”
I hoped that would get a laugh out of him, I’d even settle for a smile, but all he does it nod before making his way to the door.
Pausing in front of it, he turns back to me. “I’m going to get a cup of coffee. Don’t tell your mom, I left you alone, and while you’re at it, don’t tell her I let anyone else in to see you. She thinks if she keeps you in a bubble, this will all go away, and I don’t have the heart to tell her she’s wrong.” He stares at me for another beat, his eyes glossing over. “I would tear this whole world apart for you, sweetheart, and it’s killing me that I can’t fix this for you.”
Be strong.
Don’t cry.
“I know that daddy, and I love you for it.”
He releases a shaky breath before turning back to the door and when he opens it, the dam breaks because Capone is standing there, holding a box of Sour Patch Kids.