Page 67 of Dedicated
“Sure, as long as it’s not some sexual ploy, which would be way too predictable since you’ve got sexual hang-ups coming off of you about as strongly as BO.”
He rolled his eyes at me, but I remained where I was while he stood, pulling his shirt off. His abdomen was littered with scars, hundreds of them that I caught just before I turned my head away as he shucked his pants and stepped into the shower.
The next morning he left,no warning. I came back to my room during a break between sessions and all of his stuff was gone. I couldn’t stop thinking about him that night, wondering where he’d gone, who had picked him up, when he’d be back. Or if he would. And it made me think about what I’d been doing while I was here, how I was coasting along and just getting by, counting down the days until I could leave. I was scared of who I’d be when I left rehab and scared of what I’d become if I remained the same. I didn’t know if there was a middle ground between that, but I didn’t want to be Mike, setting myself up for a hard fall, just as much as I didn’t want to be Mason, cycling through free falls. And if I didn’t want to be either of those things, it seemed like maybe it was time for me to start listening to everything the counselors were saying and actually try putting it into practice.
That afternoon was when I had my first taste of real peace. They called it riding the pink cloud, but they could’ve called it anything for all I cared.
As I satin group a few days later, Hannah, one of the counselors, rapped lightly on the door and stepped inside. “I need to see Mr. Graves, please.”
Warren nodded, and I stood, walking out of the room feeling like I’d been called into the principal’s office. I figured it probably had something to do with Mason leaving, and my conscience was clear on that. I’d thought of him often over the days after he’d left, and what I’d said to him, but I couldn’t think of anything I could’ve done differently. His demons weren’t mine to fight.
But when we walked into the front office, Hannah pulled me into her cubicle and indicated I should sit down in the chair across from her desk. I licked my lips and tried to clear the dryness from my throat, wondering if I was about to get kicked out for some reason.
“We do make exceptions to our outside contact rule on occasion, and after talking it over with your manager, we decided this would be one of them, if you want to take the call? It’s Byron.”
I nodded mutely, warily, and she picked up the handset of her phone, pressed a button, and held it out to me. Once I took it, she stood and left.
“Byron?”
His throaty, warm chuckle poured over the line. “How are ya, kid?”
I felt the sting of tears in my eyes and prickling in the back of my throat just hearing his voice. I couldn’t answer immediately.Lonely, I wanted to tell him, and sad and aching and so fucking sorry for my stupidity.
Taking a shaky breath, I tried to compose myself. “Still here.”
“I know, and I’m impressed. Proud of ya, Les.” He cleared his throat. “Listen, I’m not gonna beat around the bush. I talked to Hannah and we figured it’d be best to give you this news while you were still in, just in case, uh… well, just because.”
“I’m not a suicide risk, for fuck’s sake.”
“OD, suicide, drunk driving, all of them mean dead. You get my point here?”
“Yeah,” I grumbled, feeling even more worthless. “Carry on.”
“MGD is offering to buy you out of the rest of the contract.”
“Okay,” I said cautiously. I couldn’t honestly say I was surprised they wanted to drop me.
“And they’re offering Evan a separate deal. Possibly pairing up with Amanda Faulks.”
My heart thudded once and then split apart and sank in my chest. It felt like it dropped all the way to my toes and puddled out onto the floor. I guess a part of me still hoped Evan and I could work together in the future. A blindly optimistic part of me, but nonetheless. Somehow it was worse that he might want to work with someone else.
“Is he going to take it?” I tried to keep the quaver from my voice.
“I don’t know. He’s thinking about it. They gave him the option of you two completing the album and recording separately, but I get the idea he wasn’t too keen on that. You can contest that, though, contest for the completion of your original contract. But if he does want to go with Amanda, I want you to be prepared. I’ve been talking to some other people, and I’ve got a few other labels interested in you. Soundhouse is really interested in having you on as a writer.”
A sigh leaked out of me, all the defeat I felt contained in the breath. “So someone else can sing my stuff.”
“That’d be an option. But we might be able to get you back onstage if you wanted that. Blue Moon’s lead guitarist just quit. You’re strong enough to do it on your own, though, at this stage. If you wanted to, I mean.”
I held the phone to my ear and curled over, resting my forehead on the edge of Hannah’s desk and closing my eyes. “I can’t make that decision right now.” I couldn’t even imagine striking out on my own. I didn’t have the same drive Evan had, or any kind of business savvy. The best thing that had ever happened to my music was that Evan had appeared when I was just starting out and made me realize just how blindly I was fumbling along. Working with him forced me to focus and gave me the kind of structure I’d never been good at finding on my own. Imagining trying to go it alone without him? It felt like drowning.
“I understand.”
I groaned and wiped at my eyes. “But Evan should do whatever is best for him, whatever he wants to do. Whatever the two of you decide. I’m not going to fight the contract. Or him. I just want him to… I just want him to do whatever’s best for him. Whatever makes him happiest.”
“I’ll pass it on,” Byron said gently. “You should stay, see this through. It’s the best thing for you right now. I know it’s hard, but try and hang in there.”
“I will.” That was one thing I was certain of. I didn’t have anywhere else to be anyway.