Page 85 of Deceptive Desires (The Syndicate #2)

Cecilia

Roman comes home smelling like lemons.

It crushes me.

I’ve been able to ignore this side of him. I’ve been able to pretend it doesn’t exist, but now I have to face it. If we want a chance at a happy life together, I need to know everything. And I need to hear it from him.

“Where were you?” I ask, even though I know the answer.

He meets my gaze, and his face drops. He knows I know. And it breaks him just as much as it’s breaking me.

If he lies to me now, we have no chance of ever getting back together. But if his answer is worse than I can handle, we also have no chance.

We stare at each other, the silence choking me.

Finally, he walks to me, grabs my hand, and leads me to the couch.

“I was at a warehouse. A Bratva member was snooping around one of our clubs, and I needed to question him,” Roman tells me.

“Did you hurt him?” I ask, hoping despite reality that he didn’t.

“Yes. I didn’t kill him, but if I needed to, I would’ve.” He sighs and grabs my hand.

I inhale sharply, hating every truth he gives me.

“Ask your questions, Cecilia. I don’t want any more lies between us. I promise you I will answer every question honestly. But please understand that sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. So only ask questions you want the answer to,” he warns me.

“I don’t want any of the answers, but I have to know,” I plead with him.

“Ask. You have my word. No more lies.”

“Did you carve your initials into him like you did Leo and the robber? Like what’s tattooed on my back?” I ask hesitantly.

I hate that I love the tattoo. It’s his signature on me. It’s a visual representation of our ties to each other.

And I’ve noticed the additions to his own ink. His fingers decorated with representations of what I am to him. I’ve even noticed my name where there used to be blank spaces on him.

“Yes. It’s my tagging method. When I interrogate someone, I carve my initials into them. The worse their offense, the bigger their carving. It’s how I keep track of who I’ve caught before. If the mark is recent, then I know they’re a frequent offender.” He sighs and rubs his hand down his face.

“The tattoo on you, it wasn’t to associate you with them.

I would never want to do that. It was to tie you to me.

If anyone sees my signature, they’ll know you’re mine.

They’ll leave you alone. It’s for your protection.

My name will keep you safe…” He hesitates.

“But I also wanted my claim on you known. I want the world to know you’re mine because I’m a jealous and possessive man when it comes to you. I’m sorry for not asking permission.”

I nod silently, unable to accept his apology just yet.

“Why do you interrogate people?” I ask, focusing on the first explanation he gave.

“I’m the enforcer for the Syndicate,” he explains, looking away from me.

“What’s the Syndicate?” I ask. Leo explained it, but I now have doubts about his honesty.

“It’s the criminal organization my family runs.

We have clubs all over our territory and run a few illegal operations.

We don’t deal with drugs or weapons though; we have a moral code.

We’re like the police of the underworld.

We enforce the laws, and if someone breaks them, we handle it.

But we’re held to the same standard.” His eyes shine with pride as he explains what his family does.

“Oh,” I say, at a loss for words. “Who all is involved?”

“My dad started it years ago. His father was involved with many of the families and was a casualty to a war that broke out among them. Dad created the Syndicate to ensure and enforce the peace between the families. Mom was never involved. Dad kept her out of it, just as I plan on keeping you out of it.” He grabs my hands and rubs his thumbs over the backs of them.

“Dom is the head. He took over when Dad retired. As the oldest, it made sense. Matthias isn’t really involved.

He actually does run Syndicate Enterprise, but I have nothing to do with it.

I’m the enforcer for the Syndicate. My crew and I enforce the rules, typically by violence.

” He winces when he says it. “And Bash is our tech genius. He works for both the Syndicate and Syndicate Enterprise. There’s nothing he can’t do with a computer. ”

I feel a pang in my chest at the realization that his entire family knew and never told me.

“Does Margot know?” I whisper.

“Yes. She had a bad run in with the Bratva last year. Matthias keeps her out of it now.” Roman’s eyes sadden when he mentions Margot’s incident, so I don’t pry.

The betrayal that Margot knew and kept it from me feels like a punch to the gut. I thought we were friends.

“So, they all knew you were lying to me, and never told me?” I choke out.

“Yes, sunshine. But every single one of them demanded I tell you. They cursed me out for lying to you. Margot almost hit me when she confronted me about it. She was fuming. My dad’s the only one who didn’t push, but I think it’s only because he wishes he could’ve shielded Mom more.

” He sighs then cups my cheeks. “They love you. You’re part of our family.

Please don’t think they supported me in any way.

And when you were gone, every one of us was out looking for you.

Even Matthias and my parents got involved.

You’re a Montclair. We love you and would’ve stopped at nothing to find you.

” His eyes plead with me to understand, and I’m starting to.

“Okay, I believe you. Is there anything else I should know about the Syndicate?” I ask warily, not sure how much more I can handle.

“We’ve made an enemy out of the Bratva. They’re the Russian crime family.

We don’t have a great relationship with them.

Well, I made an enemy out of the Bratva.

When you were gone, I thought they took you.

So… I attacked them. Brutally. I had many victims. I was hellbent on finding you and couldn’t see reason through my fear of what might be happening to you.

We narrowly avoided a war. Only Dom’s diplomacy was able to protect us,” he confesses, unable to make eye contact.

His shame heals a little part of me. I can tell he regrets his actions even if only because they didn’t help him find me sooner.

I squeeze his hand.

“You didn’t know. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to cause any issues,” I try to explain. I can’t bear that people are dead because of me.

“It’s not your fault. I am solely responsible for my actions. Everything from keeping things from you to how I handled your disappearance. But to be honest, if you went missing again, I’d go just as crazy, and everyone would be a suspect.”

“I understand. I promise I won’t ever leave without an explanation ever again. I didn’t realize how complex everything is,” I vow.

“It’s not always safe, Cecilia. I will protect you as much as I can.

But you have to understand, I’m a dangerous man.

I have many enemies. I’ve gone after so many people.

You being my wife innately puts you in danger.

It can’t be helped, I’m sorry. I will always keep you safe, but you have to trust me and listen to me.

Do you understand?” The fear in his eyes terrifies me.

“I understand.”

And I do. He lives a dangerous life, but he’ll always protect me.

He looks devastated by the conversation. He has no idea what I’m thinking. And honestly, neither do I. I need time to think about this.

But still, I climb into his lap. He wraps his arms around me and holds me close. I melt into him. He kisses my hair and rubs my back, keeping me comfortable.

“I love you, Cecilia.” His voice breaks.

“I need time, Roman,” I whisper, upset that I can’t give him more. Not after what I’ve learned. Not after what he’s done.

“I know,” he whispers again. “If you need space, I can get you an apartment. If you want your job back, I’ll make it happen.

If you… if you want an annulment, I’ll do it.

Fuck, I’ll help you get the tattoos removed.

I’ll get you on birth control. I’ll do anything if you just give me a chance to win you back.

Let me undo my mistakes. Let me make it up to you,” he begs.

I lean back to look in his eyes and am surprised by the tears welling.

“Do you mean that?” I ask, needing to gage his sincerity.

“I hate it. I hate everything I’ve offered you.

I don’t want space. I don’t want to end our marriage.

I don’t want to lose you. I just want you to be happy with me.

But I know I fucked up. I did it all to get you, but it backfired and now I’m losing you.

If giving you freedom will make you happy, then I’ll give it to you.

It’ll crush me. Destroy me. But for your happiness, I’d do anything.

Just please give me a chance. Once I right all my wrongs, let me earn you back.

Please, just give me a chance. I’ll never be happy without you,” he says with a tremor in his voice.

I’m taken aback. This is the first real conversation I’ve had with my héroe where he’s shown true remorse, and now, he’s offering me my freedom. I’ve seen so much of the Monster Montclair. But here’s the man I love offering me everything I should want.

And it hurts more than anything.

The thought of ending things, of leaving him, creates a pit in my stomach. I know I should want to get away from him. I should hate him. I should take him up on his offer and never look back.

But I can’t even entertain the idea because it makes me ill.

“I don’t know,” is all I can say.

Because I can’t bring myself to forgive him, not yet. But I also can’t leave him. It’d be like leaving my heart.

“Okay, sunshine. You have all the time in the world,” he whispers into my hair.

Then we lapse into silence.

In his arms is where all is right in the world, while so much is wrong in our world.

Deep down, I know what I’ve chosen, I just need time to accept it.