Page 62 of Dear Future Husband

A couple of hours later, I woke to a gentle tug on my arm and light whispering. I blinked my eyes open to find Maybelle leaning down from her bed, pulling at my arm. It was still dark, but the purpling light of dawn was ghosting her bedroom with its presence.

My vision finally cleared, and I was cognizant enough to register what she was saying.

“Come here,” she whispered, tugging me up toward the bed. I obeyed without a second thought.

She scooted forward, making room for me to climb in the bed behind her. I wrapped her body up in my arms, feeling warm, and at home.

She nestled into me like I was her home too.

How far we’d come from avoiding one another in high school, too nervous to make a move in fear of rejection. From me sitting by her side as she slept a year away, to now holding desperately to one another, cuddling in her bed, in my home.

I planted a kiss in the curls I couldn’t stop obsessing over before pulling my Maybelle tighter into my chest.

Life was good.Life was so, so good.

Dear friend,

It’s a bad day today.

Richard ran out last night. Mom thinks he left because of her so she’s been in her room crying all morning. I want to tell her it’s not her fault. I want to tell her the truth. To tell her it’s my fault… but I can’t—I don’t know how.

I don’t know where Liam is.

I think he stayed the night with a friend.

But I’m in pain.

I can’t wrap my head around what happened.

I was left alone with Richard last night. Mom started school and was gone at a study group. Richard was drinking, but that’s nothing new. He always drinks when Mom is gone.

When he drinks, he gets loud, says hurtful things but… last night. It wasn’t just his words that hurt me. There are purpling marks imprinted on my skin. Fingerprints where he grabbed me, a dull hurt where one of his metal rings cracked against my skull.

I don’t understand what caused it, but when it started, all I could do was freeze. I didn’t struggle, I didn’t move. I let him scream.

When it was over, when my vision blurred with tears, Richard apologized. He said he didn’t know what came over him. He said he was angry and that he never should’ve done that.

Then he left me, still curled up on my bedroom floor.

I should be with Mom, see if she’s alright, but I can’t get myself to leave my room. Partly because I’m scared that Richard will show back up and because I don’t want Mom to see me like this. She has enough on her plate. She doesn’t need me adding myself to it.

I hate seeing her in pain. I don’t know all the ins and outs of her and Richard’s relationship, but I can tell she isn’t happy. I don’t understand why she stays with him.

Granted, I’ve never asked.

Part of me wonders if that’s just how relationships are—Painful.

I don’t remember what Mom’s marriage was like with my dad, but by the way she smiles when I ask her about him, and that she kept his name, “Mason”, I imagine she was happy with him. At least happier than she is with Richard.

You know… I don’t think I want to get married.

Seems a little redundant for me to write that to you, of all people, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to about it.

I don’t want to get married because I don’t think I have the ability to trust anymore. I think the capacity to be vulnerable is another thing I’ve been stripped of in the last years. Along with my pride, my courage and my smile. I’m so scared of being taken advantage of. I’m terrified of being hurt emotionally and physically. I’m scared out of my mind, and I think it’s a fear that has plagued me a lot longer than I’m willing to admit or that I was ever able to truly understand until now.

I think that terror I feel when thinking about being married to another individual is one of the biggest reasons I started this book… It was so I could get used to the idea of being so close to someone that they know all my fears. They know all the ways to hurt me but choose not to.

I’m scared that I might not meet you in this life because of my fear to open myself up to you, or anyone else, for that matter. But I think I’m more terrified to continue the rest of my life the way it’s been so far.