Page 11 of Deadly Knight (The Bratva’s Elite #2)

Diary,

I barely sleep. I barely eat. I barely function.

Dimitri’s outside. Mom told me he’s waiting for me to see him by remaining close.

Knowing that becomes an ongoing battle with myself as I wrestle with wanting to get out of bed to peek behind the curtain and see him for myself and wanting to hide forever.

Guilt keeps me down. Guilt he’s hanging around, all because I can’t get out of bed and drag myself downstairs.

He’s been bringing me things over the days. Soup I’ve managed to sip down, consuming more than anything Mama has made for me. Flowers that are now in a vase on my dresser across from the bed. I stare at the white petals of the lilies as I fall asleep and wake up.

He’s doing everything he can because he loves me.

And I love him.

But I’m about to break his heart.

I can’t.

I must.

I don’t want to.

The hospital’s psychologist said to start twisting the negatives into positives. Stupid idea. Rape turns into survival. That’s not a positive, but a fact. Besides, did I survive? Like, actually. If this is survival, I’d prefer death.

But here I go, trying it out…

I can’t = I can. I can break his heart.

I must = I can. It’ll be best for us both.

I don’t want to = I can. There is no positive to not wanting to do something, so this is the best I got. I can do something I don’t want to do. I got raped even though I didn’t want to.

Huh. Guess I’m not very good at this. But what did she expect?

Maybe we can get past this. Maybe I can be strong enough.

Every time I have those thoughts, I’m mentally retied to the mattress in that warehouse with Ivan whispering in my ear.

I’m not strong enough to be a woman I was never meant to be.

Just cold, hard facts. Nothing positive nor negative about that.

Help me, Diary. Save my soul. Be here for me when I break his heart.

Today, tomorrow, the next day. Maybe never. It’ll be kinder to pretend he doesn’t exist than do this. He can hang outside forever, wishing to see me.

The funny (not actually, but it’s my moment of positivity) part is that when he sees me, he’ll wish he was back to being avoided.

Diary,

I can’t do this.

So I’m not.

I’m getting up now. Living life the way I want and by no one else’s design.

Diary,

That was a funny joke I told this morning, huh.

Diary,

Tomorrow.

I have to.

Tomorrow, my world shatters.