Page 73 of Dead Serious Case 5 Madame Vivienne

“Tristan? Psst! Tristan? Are you awake?”

“Go away, Dusty,” I mumble into my pillow.

“Oh, honey, how far have you fallen?”

I crack open an eye. Without my glasses, I can just about make out Dusty’s face as she wrinkles her nose.

“When did you last brush your teeth? I may be dead already, but your breath might be enough to finish me off a second time.”

“Don’t breathe in, then,” I mutter. “It’s not like you need the oxygen.”

“There’s my snarky little Tris,” she coos.

“Sorry, Tristan is unavailable right now.” I close my eyes again. “Please hang up and try again later, or use the contact form on the website. We appreciate your interest.”

“Very funny,” she says, and the next thing I know, the covers are whipped off me, leaving me curled in the middle of the bed. “Sorry, boo, but the wallowing stage is over. It’s time for some tough love before you develop a flesh-eating bacteria. Go and take a bloody shower and put some clean clothes on.”

“Your bedside manner leaves something to be desired.”

“Which is why I was a drag queen instead of a nurse. Some of us are born with a soft nature and empathy, and some of usare born with an infinite level of sarcasm and too much fucking fabulousness for one gender.”

“Give me back my duvet.”

“No.” She folds her hands over her chest stubbornly. “In fact…” She gives a little wave of her hand and the sheet is suddenly whipped from beneath my prone body and off the bed.

I look down and find myself still lying in the same position but now on a bare mattress. “Impressive.” My brows rise slightly. “Can you do the same with a tablecloth and a full dinner service?”

She smirks and the next thing I know, the pillowcases are stripped off and all the dirty bedding I’ve been cocooned in for god knows how long is piled up in the middle of the floor. “Seriously, boo, I’m doing you a favour. It’s not fair that Danny has to sleep on the sofa.”

“Danny hasn’t been sleeping on the sofa.” I frown.

“Did he come to bed last night?” she asks pointedly, and my frown deepens.

“Uh… I don’t know. What day is it?”

“Judgement Day. Now get your arse in the shower before you set off the fire alarm.”

“Did he really sleep on the sofa?” I ask worriedly. I’ve slept so much that my days and nights have got turned around.

“Honey.” Dusty’s tone softens. “We all understand and we love you, which is why I’m here giving you a shove back into the land of the living before you turn into that guy inSeven. You know, the one with all the car air fresheners on the ceiling.”

“That film was disturbing.”

“So is the smell coming from you.”

“Alright,” I sigh loudly. “Make your point, don’t club me to death with it.”

I push myself up and my head spins. “Whoa.”

“Easy.” I feel her hands on my shoulders, steadying me as I shuffle my legs over the side of the bed and rest my feet on the floor. I feel shaky in the worst way, like I’m recovering from a horrible illness.

Dusty sighs. “Too much sleep and not enough food and fresh air.”

“Thank you for stating the obvious, Dr Dusty.”

She grins salaciously. “So you did watch that clip of me on Pornhub.”

“My curiosity may have got the better of me. I have to say, Dusty, I don’t think I am ever going to look at a stethoscope the same way again.”