Page 11 of Dark Hope (Dark Carpathians #38)

Chapter 11

Silke met Benedek one hour after sunset on the outskirts of the forest, just as he had asked her to. She gave off such low energy, he wouldn’t have known how nervous she was if he hadn’t immediately merged with her the moment he awakened from his paralyzing sleep.

He didn’t trust anything different, and that included his strange emotions. The moment he became aware, his first thought was for Silke. His mind instantly tuned itself to hers. He had to know where she was. What she was doing. If she was alive and well. What state she was in. Had their negotiations really been successful or did she still want to run from him? The thoughts had flooded his mind instantly upon awakening.

It was normal to wake up needing blood. He had done so for centuries. It was not normal to be obsessed with a woman. Was she thinking of him? He had to know. She was extremely sensitive to the flow of energy around her. He was fortunate that he was as old and as experienced as he was. That experience enabled him to home in on her exact location and enter her mind without her knowledge.

He was concerned with his need to touch her. He didn’t trust that he was so invested in her—and he was. He didn’t believe in lying to himself. That moment of realization when he woke that it was as necessary as breathing to reach out to her was alarming.

The fact that she was nervous around him helped. He couldn’t find a single deceptive pretense in her when he moved through her mind. She was apprehensive about their meeting; afraid he would insist on binding them together. He had planned to do just that, but now, feeling her fears, he decided to give her a few hours to get used to him and the idea of being permanently tied to him.

“Silke,” he greeted, and deliberately leaned into her to press a brief kiss to her forehead.

A thousand sparks leapt between them at the casual contact. He hadn’t expected such a physical reaction to touching her. She felt it, too. He knew because she froze and her gaze leapt to his. He gave her that faint smile, the one she saw only in her mind.

“That was unexpected.” Admitting he felt the connection between them seemed like the only reasonable thing to do. He didn’t want to play games. As far as he was concerned, if this was going to work between them, they needed absolute honesty. Being in her mind, he would catch any lie she told.

Her long lashes swept down, veiling her eyes. “I think it would be far more likely that you would be the one to lie to me. Or at least be deceptive.”

Catching his thoughts meant she was even more sensitive than he’d first considered. He had some barriers in place to shield her from his past. She didn’t need to look at the various battles and the aftermath of them throughout the centuries. But he would have to guard his mind a little more to protect her. If she knew, she wouldn’t think he was protecting her, she’d believe he was hiding important information from her.

“You believe I’m deceptive?” Everyone in the world was afraid of him just on sight. She was nervous and intelligent enough to know he was lethal, but she still stood up to him. He liked that in her. He respected that she wasn’t a pushover. He needed a woman willing to stand up for herself and not ever let him take advantage.

“Don’t play innocent.” Amusement slipped over her expressive face. “You know very well you’re hiding important information from me.” Her eyes went speculative as they moved over his face, feature by feature. “You are, aren’t you?”

She knew enough to ask a direct question. That served her well. He would either have to admit the truth or lie to her.

“I believe it is necessary for us to have truth between us at all times, even if it’s difficult. The most important thing we can have between us is trust. So yes, I’m omitting several important pieces of information.”

He saw from her expression and the feeling of relief in her mind that he’d chosen the right path with her. Had he attempted to deceive she would have known, and any chance they had at a real relationship would have been gone. He had to handle his lifemate with care. He hoped he could do so. He had never cared enough to change the way he approached life. Head-on. Directly. People got out of his way because he didn’t have time or the inclination for finesse.

Benedek was intensely loyal to the few ancients he considered his brethren. Anyone else he avoided if at all possible. He would take his brethren’s backs every time, even if that meant going into situations where he was forced to be around people. He preferred the wilds of the mountains and forests. He felt at home there.

“Why would you feel it necessary to keep from me what you just have admitted is important information?”

He didn’t hear a reprimand. More curiosity than annoyance or anger. He was beginning to believe his woman had really been created for him. Or that he’d been created for her. That was nonsensical and ridiculous for him to even entertain such a romantic notion when he didn’t even have a decent heart to give her.

Benedek held out his hand to her. She hesitated the briefest of moments, but he felt that tiny falter in the region of his chest. His fingers closed around hers. Just touching her was an experience. New. Strange. Exhilarating.

“Let’s get into the safety of the trees. I’ve never liked being out in the open. I’ll confess I have a need to protect you. I know you’re going to give me grief for even telling you that. I’m well aware you’re a slayer. I saw you in action and have the greatest respect for your abilities, but that doesn’t seem to stop my need to ensure your well-being.”

He found the small path leading into the forest. It was just wide enough for them to walk side by side, although he kept one step ahead of her to shield her quickly if needed. They weren’t alone in the forest. He recognized that immediately. She didn’t hesitate. If anything, her nerves quieted. Whatever was in the forest watching them, Silke not only was aware of but was friends with.

He took a careful look around, seeing with more than eyes. Every sense spread out to find the hidden watchers. There were several. He didn’t sense hostility so much as curiosity and a deep affection for Silke.

“We aren’t alone.”

She gave him a faint smile and shook her head. “No, we’re not.”

“Your allies. Some feel ancient to me. They participated in the Battle of Baduhenna, when the Romans were defeated.” He made it a statement.

The victory made sense. Tora had been there. She’d led an army of mystical creatures, all of them residing in that forest. It was no wonder she protected them with her astonishing safeguard weaves. Each of the brethren had taken a turn at trying to unravel the strands of protection. They were ancient. Their weaves weren’t based on the mage who had taught so many of the others. At times, the younger Carpathians had safeguards penetrated because they were still using the high mage Xavier’s base for their weaves. It wasn’t his place to tell them to start coming up with new ones. It could be done. The ancients didn’t have a mage to teach them skills. They had learned the hard way.

Silke burst out laughing. The sound was low and musical. He realized her laughter and sense of humor were gifts. She clearly didn’t know she brought light and joy to those around her, but the moment she laughed, it was as if she triggered elation in him. The watchers stirred slightly, giving themselves away. Flowers lifted their faces upward, two downed tree trunks rolled slightly, stands of moss rustled in a little dance. The sound that was made as the tiny plants swayed sounded a little like a small child giggling.

“What is so funny?” He liked that she found him amusing. She would need that sense of humor. If he was lucky, she could teach him.

He tightened his fingers around her hand. To him, her hand was delicate, but it was the steady hand of a warrior. She could be counted on in a crisis. She wouldn’t be as concerned with her own safety as she would those around her. He had hoped for that trait in a woman, but now that she embodied that characteristic, he found himself wondering how true the old adage was about being careful what you wished for.

“You don’t look old. You could easily be in your thirties. Don’t get me wrong, you look as tough as nails and sexy as sin, but you don’t look old.”

He lifted an eyebrow, daring her to continue. That got him her soft laughter. This time it invited him to join her. He realized this was teasing. Another intimacy between a man and a woman.

“You had the thought of those young whippersnappers taking shortcuts with their safeguards. You know the saying? When I went to school, I walked uphill in the snow both ways without shoes?”

“That makes no sense. You can’t walk uphill both coming and going. And I’ve never used the word ‘whippersnapper’ in my life.”

“Well, you could if you were a crusty old codger who frowns at the shenanigans of the younger generation.”

Her voice invited him to join in her laughter. Truthfully, he wasn’t certain how to laugh. He couldn’t remember laughter, not even when he attempted to call up his youth. There hadn’t been any merriment in his home growing up.

Her fingers moved against his palm, a mere brush, but he felt it right to the bone. “Benedek, sometimes your thoughts are heartbreaking.”

The soothing quality of her tone convinced him she did have a gift, quite definitely as powerful and compelling as his own. He used his to kill. She used hers to make others happy.

“Stop. I called the demons to me in order to destroy them. Don’t make me out to be some kind of saint. I’m anything but.”

“I was in your mind the entire time you fought those demons. Do you know what you felt?” He stopped walking, turning toward her.

She was tall, but he was still a good eight inches taller. She tilted her head back to look up at him.

Her eyes. He shouldn’t be falling into that vivid sapphire. The deepest sea. If he was going to maneuver through this next quagmire of quicksand, he had to keep his wits about him. Reason didn’t matter; he was drowning.

“I was going over the moves in my head to make certain I didn’t make any mistakes. There were too many people in the room they could use as hosts.”

Benedek pressed the pad of his thumb over the curve of her mouth, tracing her soft lips. “Compassion. You felt bad for them. It didn’t matter that they’d been bred to find and kill you, you still felt immeasurable compassion. So much so that I could feel you weeping for them. It didn’t show on your face, but I heard it. It was difficult not to step in and protect you from having to kill. You don’t like it.”

“Neither do you.”

He sighed. “I’m not certain you’re right. I don’t know what I feel because I don’t have emotions.” He gave her that faint smile that felt all too intimate between them because only she could see it. Only she knew he gave her that. To the rest of the world, he kept his expressionless mask. It was one of intimidation.

Her long lashes caught his attention when they fluttered and then unveiled her sapphire eyes. All that blue for him to drown in. His body reacted, a strange phenomenon. Awareness sparked every nerve ending in an uncomfortable but exhilarating way. Very pleasurable. More than he ever expected. The blood rushed through his veins and pooled low, filling him with urgent need. He decided to savor the feeling rather than push it away.

Silke was giving him so many firsts. When he’d been jaded from centuries of living in a gray world, believing he’d seen it all, she had come along. He hadn’t believed in the lifemate bond. He’d seen it with a few of his brethren, but it seemed to happen too fast. How did they know what was in the heart of their mate? How could they trust that woman to be loyal when she didn’t know her lifemate? He’d pondered over that question many times.

The bottom line was he didn’t believe she would stay with him. No one ever stayed. He’d lost his family when he was just a baby and then again when he was a young man. Women didn’t stay. Neither did friends.

“Benedek.” Her voice was gentle. “You have friends who travel with you and know they are going into a battle where they very well could be killed. Why do you suppose they are doing that?”

He had no ego and wasn’t the least embarrassed that she read his thoughts. He was honest with himself. He always had been. “They are hunters. They exist to destroy every vampire preying on humans and Carpathians alike.” It was that simple. “It is their duty and they would never shirk it. They wouldn’t want to.”

“True,” she agreed. She ran her fingers up and down his forearm. “That’s very true, but they wouldn’t have to travel here. When you aided your brethren, and I saw in your memories that you had, you did so willingly and without reservation. Did you go to their aid out of simple duty?”

He opened his mouth to answer but closed it before any thoughtless words could escape. He owed it to her to always tell the truth. He would admit to her that he omitted things until he believed she was ready to handle them, but only to make it easier on her. This was something altogether different. She brought up an interesting question.

He had a fondness for the brethren he’d spent time with in the monastery. He hadn’t recognized it as affection or even fondness until his emotions had been restored. That was so recent that he was still evaluating.

He knew his brethren wouldn’t consider that the reason they traveled together was because they cared for one another. They weren’t capable. Or were they? More than once it had been implied that they felt, but there was a disconnect between their emotions and their consciousness. He trusted Nicu implicitly. He was learning to trust Mataias, Tomas and Lojos. The triplets had certainly proven numerous times they could be counted on.

“I don’t know the answer to that,” he admitted.

“You don’t trust anyone very easily. That’s why you’re worried about our union. I thought it was because of me. I thought that you weren’t thrilled that the universe put us together.”

Was there hurt in her voice? No. But it was there in a tiny part of her mind. He wrapped his palm around the nape of her neck and drew her closer. “I wanted you the moment I felt your energy. When I saw you in the doorway of your home protecting both Tora and your mother from unknown watchers, I knew you were meant for me.”

“You didn’t want me,” she insisted, looking up at him. Straight in the eye. No flinching.

He refused to back down from the truth. He hadn’t believed in lifemates. In some ways, he was a fraud. “I have been both predator and prey, Silke. It is much better to be the predator, and ever since I was a young man, I honed every skill to become the ultimate predator.” He gave that to her, hoping she would understand. He didn’t want to go into his past if it was possible to avoid it. If he did, he would have to confess the things he’d done. Not yet.

Silke’s blue gaze didn’t leave his. She didn’t flinch at this confession, but then he hadn’t gone into detail about what he’d become. She was uneasy around him because she sensed he was no longer fully Carpathian. She had the instincts of a slayer and she scented the beast growing in him.

“I don’t say things to you that aren’t the truth. There cannot be lies between lifemates. I am the one demanding trust and loyalty from you. I did not come to this place with any expectations, but once I saw and felt you, once I was in your mind, I knew you were meant for me. That doesn’t mean I find this easy. I trust few people, yet here I am, demanding trust from you.”

She tilted her head to one side, studying his expression. It was difficult to face her scrutiny when he knew she saw into him. He’d revealed more than he had intended. When this woman had returned his emotions, he recognized several from his youth. One was vulnerability. That was not acceptable. She made him feel that way.

He felt the predator rise to protect himself. The scars on his soul ached and pounded, reminding him how close he was to stepping over a line that should never be crossed. He felt the difference in her immediately. Silke tried to move away from him, taking a step back. He prevented it by keeping his palm curled around the nape of her neck.

“You stated plainly that you saw I didn’t want you. I’m going to be brutally honest with you. I didn’t believe in the lifemate bond. I have seen abominations over the centuries and despite the oath carved into my back, I was unsure if my woman was worth the centuries of living. I have always maintained a code of honor, but it was my code.”

Her eyes never left his. He didn’t blink. Her lips trembled. Each time they did, his gut tightened. He noted the strange physical reaction as if distanced from it. As if he were an observer instead of the Carpathian hunter feeling for the first time. She didn’t respond, holding herself very still.

He remained merged with her, needing to know her reaction. The woman in her warred with the slayer. That soft, compassionate side of her sympathized with him. The slayer recognized those scars and what they meant, and she was alert, looking for danger. He should have hidden that darker side from her, but when he was asking so much of her, he didn’t believe it was fair. She needed to see all of him and judge for herself if a relationship with him was worth fighting for.

“You wondered why I didn’t announce myself when we first arrived. I gave you the truth, but it wasn’t the entire truth. I needed to see who you were as a person. The heart and soul of you. It had nothing to do with whether you were worthy of me, but more could you be trusted. Would you stand with me.”

Her nod was barely perceptible. “I can see why you would be concerned. I thought in terms of myself, which was rather selfish of me, but we’re both in the same boat, aren’t we? You need your soul to survive intact. You say you have choices, but in reality, your choices suck. I would have wanted to scope you out before we met if I could have.”

She was giving him an out, but he wasn’t going to take it. “I knew when I saw you that you were the right one,” he reiterated.

“When you can bind me to you with a few words, why would you bother to go to the trouble of negotiating?”

“I want you to be aware that you count. What you want or need counts. You didn’t make impossible demands. You were thoughtful and gave me concessions.”

A little shiver went through her, although she looked pleased. “As a rule, I’m not an anxious person, but I’ll confess the idea of becoming Carpathian is rather terrifying, especially since I can’t go back. If we don’t work out, where do I go? What do I do?”

He didn’t utter a single protest against her questions. They were legitimate worries. He couldn’t very well alleviate them because he intended to convert her. It was the only way he knew to ensure everyone around him would remain safe. He had waited too long. In doing so, he knew he teetered right on the edge of joining Justice behind those gates in the underworld. Silke was correct when she said he didn’t really have choices.

“Lifemates stay together, Silke. A bond is formed. Along with that strong bond between us, I hope we establish a partnership we both respect and enjoy.”

“You feel like a man who is going to lead and expect me to follow. I’m very independent. I’ve had to be.”

He took advantage of that slipup. “Now you won’t have to be.”

He expected her to look annoyed, but she surprised him by laughing. “That’s the kind of answer that tells me nothing.” Her soft laughter was an invitation to join her in the humor of the situation. “And borders on showing your true bossy character.”

He raised his eyebrow at her, a little surprised how easy it was to be in her company. He had never been completely at ease around anyone, not even his brethren. When he’d awakened with that first thought of her, he’d found he wanted to be with her.

“I never thought of myself as bossy. Or arrogant, which I know some of the women in places I’ve been have considered me. I’m confident because I’ve had centuries of experience and rarely run into a situation I haven’t seen before. The little demon injected into us along with the parasites was new and a rather interesting puzzle.”

That earned him a real smile. As smiles went, it seemed to light him up inside. He found that strange. He’d seen a million smiles in his lifetime. He had never been affected. Not one single time. A part of him was still inside himself watching the interaction unfold between them. He had been too long in the wild, keeping himself from others. He’d come at the call from his monastery brethren and entered the world of humans several times, but he hadn’t connected.

He looked around him at the trees and brush, the fallen trunks and vegetation in the forest. The sights and smells were familiar to him—felt like home. He was tuned to every network in the forest and mountains. Something old in him connected to the old forests, the underground network, even the creatures. The ancient blood in him called to the trees and was always answered.

“Wasn’t it interesting?” Silke agreed. Her voice was animated as if at last she had someone to share her thoughts with. “I guess Lilith and her mage friends are going to be slinging all kinds of new threats at us. The tried-and-true method of fighting demons isn’t going to work. I’m actually going to have to use my brain along with my skills to keep up.”

She sounded like the idea not only intrigued her but had her looking forward to the skirmishes with demons. He wasn’t certain how he felt about that. He was distancing himself from emotion so that the unfamiliar feelings didn’t overwhelm him, yet he could still experience them. Her willingness to go into battle without being familiar with what the demons could or couldn’t do was concerning.

He studied her carefully and found himself frowning. “You look forward to your battles with demons.”

She flashed him another heart-stopping smile. “I suppose I do.”

“You don’t suppose—you know you do,” he corrected.

The smile didn’t fade in the least. “It’s why you don’t have to worry about me knowing you enjoy your battles with vampires.”

That was an unexpected revelation. He should have been prepared for it. She saw further into him than he thought possible before the lifemate claim. He had been aware from what his brethren with lifemates told him that their partner could access memories at any time. But before? Silke seemed to be quite powerful in her own right. He liked that. He even needed her to be. He wanted a woman at his side he could respect. One he knew would challenge him.

“How is your mother this evening?”

She blinked, the long lashes veiling her eyes. That told him volumes, even more than the flicker of worry in her mind.

“She’s not been well,” she admitted somewhat reluctantly. “Tora has had to heal her several times lately.”

That gave him pause. When a Carpathian healed someone, particularly a human, they generally only had to do so once. The person might fall ill with some other affliction, but not for a long time because their immune system was strengthened.

“Several times?” he echoed. “Recently? How many times is several, and how close together were the healing sessions?”

Silke looked at him sharply. There was no getting around his brisk, all-business tone. They had been finding their way with one another, dancing around each other carefully, and he had gone straight into Carpathian ancient commanding mode.

“In the last month Tora has done four healing sessions with Fenja.”

He heard the soft note of trepidation, of vulnerability, in her voice. That got to him. His woman was strong, a warrior. She stood on her own and fought for others. Fenja was her only family unless one counted Tora. Fenja was her mother. Benedek didn’t know what having a real mother felt like, but clearly, the woman meant the world to Silke.

Silke tried to be stoic, tried to conceal her sudden fear when he had inadvertently revealed there might be a real problem with her mother’s health that couldn’t be fixed. Tora was an ancient Carpathian woman. She was adept at healing. He knew she had to be or she wouldn’t still be alive. That meant something was seriously wrong with Fenja. Tora knew, but she hadn’t disclosed the information to Silke.

“That’s bad, isn’t it?” Silke whispered. She wrapped her arms around her middle, hugging herself. Withdrawing from him.

For the first time, Benedek saw the fragility in her. She didn’t want him to see it, but it was there in her mind. In her heart. She wasn’t prepared to let go of her mother.

Benedek chose his words with care. “It can be.”

Her heart accelerated and she didn’t try to stop it. She just looked up at him with her wide sapphire eyes. If she wept, his own heart might stop.

“You mean it is,” she corrected.

“I would have to examine her before I could say definitely,” he said. “Surely Tora would have informed you if the situation were grave.”

Silke took a deep breath. “Tora would have told me unless Fenja asked her not to. She would honor Fenja’s wishes.”

“Would your mother do that?”

Silke drew in more air, and he realized she was holding her breath for long moments. Her heart still beat wildly. She nodded. “Yes. She would want to spare me the worry if she knew what she had wasn’t curable even by the Carpathian method of healing.”

Benedek reached for her slowly, careful of intruding. Careful of startling her. He found it was imperative to offer her comfort. He wanted to draw her into his arms and surround her with his strength, but he was certain she wouldn’t be accepting of that. It would make her feel even more vulnerable than she was already feeling. Instead, he shackled one slender wrist and drew her hand toward his chest.

“Feel my heart, o jel? sielamak .” He pressed her palm over the heavy muscles of his chest, directly over his beating heart. “Feel the rhythm and match your heartbeat to mine.”

For a brief moment, there was tension in her arm and hand. Resistance. When he realized she wasn’t used to being touched or comforted, he found the need to do just that. Unable to resist the temptation, he searched the memories of her childhood. Her mother and Tora were the only two constants he could find in her life. Neither woman was the type to hold a crying child and soothe her when she was hurt. Fenja was loving but matter-of-fact, seizing every fall or mishap to use as a teaching moment. Tora was the same because she was responsible for ensuring Silke survived each battle with demons.

Both women were affectionate in their mannerisms toward Silke while she grew up, but they weren’t ever going to hug her tight and kiss her better. Some children were okay with little sentiment, but Silke wasn’t one of those children. She had secretly longed for those things. It was one of the reasons she gravitated toward the children in the village. Most of them wanted hugs, and Silke was happy to provide for them.

He filed that knowledge of her away, knowing it was an important part of her personality. As her lifemate, determined to do his best for her, he would have to learn to provide the things she needed. Silke was no longer aware she yearned for the closeness of touch, but he saw it clearly. And she wasn’t ready to let go of her mother.

Her heart settled into the rhythm of his, following his slower, steadier beat. He took the opportunity to slide the pad of his thumb over the back of her hand as he pressed her palm into his chest. Heat seared him. That small palm felt like a brand sinking through his skin and muscle to claim his heart. The sensation was so strong he looked inside himself expecting to see her name stamped across his heart.

“I will examine Fenja this night after we complete the lifemate ceremony.”

Her heart, connected to his, jumped but then steadied. “Fenja is a powerful seer. It is possible she will know your intention,” she cautioned.

He noticed she avoided the subject of him claiming her as his lifemate. Not only did she avoid it verbally, but she shied completely away from it in her thoughts. The moment the topic rose in her mind, she slammed that door shut fast.

“Fenja is your mother, Silke, and a wise woman. An elder. I would not disrespect her by trying to keep her in the dark about what I’m doing.”

“And if she refuses?” Silke lifted her eyes to his, gaze steady. “What then?”

“Then I consult with you on what you would have me do. I can examine her without her knowledge if it was deemed by you to be necessary. I would not like to go against her wishes, but to make you comfortable with her situation, I would do it for you. I would do my best to persuade her, letting her know you’d rather face the truth.”

Her gaze wavered and she looked down. Her fingers curled into his shirt, fisting over his heart. “I would hope I have the courage to face the truth, Benedek. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if I lose Fenja. I’ll be so lost.”

I know it is not much compensation or reassurance for you at this time, but you will have me. My unswerving loyalty.

Benedek stayed quiet in her mind, reading her panicked thoughts. Fenja loved her. Silke wouldn’t have love if she lost her mother. She was well aware Benedek didn’t believe he could love her. She knew she was trading duty and loyalty for an eternity without love. He wanted to reassure her, but he didn’t think himself capable of feeling love. He had never experienced it. Never known what it was like even as a child to love or be loved.

“Silke, the problem doesn’t lie with you. I’m the one incapable of feeling such an emotion. Our children will love you because you’ll teach them what love is. I want that for them and for you.”

“Why do you think you’re so incapable of love, Benedek?”

He winced at the direct question and slight ache in her voice. He’d promised himself he’d be honest with her—as honest as possible.

“I wasn’t around loving people even as a child. I can show you memories, Silke, but be warned, they are filled with violence, betrayal and my near death. Coming back from this”—he touched his fingers to the circle around his neck—“let me just say, coming back was a nightmare all by itself.”

“You would show me?”

“Reliving it would not be my first choice, but if it helps you to understand me and my…deficiencies, then I will allow you to access those memories.”