Page 9

Chapter eight

Isabelle

He smells the same…

I smile into Kai’s shirt, trying to be subtle as I take a sniff. Yup. Like a crisp winter morning in the woods. Fresh, warm, energizing.

“Are you smelling me, Iz?”

I tear myself backward, out of his arms. “What? No! Of course not.”

Kai laughs. It’s a little rusty, and not as full-bodied as I’m used to, but still.

I’ll take it. “You totally were! It’s fine.

I know I smell good. This girl I knew bought me some scent booster shit for my laundry a long time ago.

Said my workout gear stank even after washing. I’ve used it ever since.”

We stare at each other for a beat, memories flooding my senses. Then Kai gestures to the hall. “You want some water or something?”

Guess I wasn’t the only one remembering a different time. When we were different people. I follow him out, but when he gets to the kitchen and turns back to me, I’ve moved closer to the front door instead.

No. I’m going to get going, actually.”

“Sure. Right.” He jams his hands in his pockets.

I fidget with the strap of my bag. “Kai,” I start, then stop. Despite what we said earlier about being friends, the air suddenly feels like it’s filled with an awkward tension.

I’m not the only one that feels it, clearly. Indecision dances across his handsome face before Kai speaks. “Iz, that shit you saw online. That was… I mean… Fuck.” He drops his head forward, and I take a step toward him.

“It’s fine, Kai. I know the media twists things.

I’m sorry I came in here attacking you like that.

I was surprised, that’s all. It made you look like such a different person than the guy I knew.

But it wasn’t fair of me to come here and yell at you for it without knowing the whole story. I had no right to do that.”

His head lifts, and the look in his eyes hits me like a physical blow to the chest.

“I get why you were upset, Iz, but you have to know something. That shit you read, that version of me you saw, it’s not the truth, but it’s not all lies, either.

Because I am a different person from the guy you left behind.

If we’re gonna do this friends shit, you need to know what happened.

The day you broke up with me, something broke inside of me.

I’m not trying to say it’s your fault, or that I don’t agree with the decision you made.

I understood why you had to go to Italy and meet your family.

Hell, I pushed you to go. Eventually, I even understood why you decided to stay.

But it changed me, losing you. And I know I’m to blame for losing you so completely.

I know that I’m the one who pushed you away and cut off all contact.

” He blows out a long breath, shaking his head.

“That guy you saw in those articles on the internet? That’s the guy I became after you broke up with me.

It was easier to be him than to let anyone else get close enough to know the real me.

Get close enough to hurt me the way it did losing you. ”

I don’t notice that I’m crying until the tear tracks down my cheek. I brush it away, not daring to look away from him. Hearing the depth of pain I inflicted on him is nothing less than what I deserve.

What right do I have to ask this man for his friendship, when I know there’s an expiration date on everything. I have to leave him again in just a few months. And I don’t know if I could live with myself if I hurt him once more.

“I’m so sorry,” I say, swallowing down a sob. “I’m so very sorry, Kai. I hate that I did that to you.”

Kai moves swiftly, coming to stand in front of me.

“Hey, Iz. It’s okay.” He runs his hands up and down my arms as I drop my chin and more tears fall free. “Isabelle. Baby. Don’t cry.”

Whether it’s the endearment that I’m sure he didn’t intend to let slip out, or the feel of his hands comforting me, or just the feeling of being around him again, I don’t know. Something breaks down the wall holding back my emotions.

I collapse into his arms with a broken sob.

When I moved to Italy, to meet my father and his family, I found myself. But I also lost the man who made everything shine. Who loved me so deeply.

I’ll never have that love back.

And that’s a loss I don’t know if I’ll ever get over.

I draw myself back with a shudder. It would be so easy to stay and let him hold me. Let him help me trick my brain into believing all is forgiven. But now, knowing the whole truth of just how much my actions fucked things up, I won’t do that. I can’t do that to him.

“Look, it wasn’t fair of me to ask if we could go back to being friends. I won’t hold you to it. Thank you for telling me the truth, I deserved to hear that.” My eyes are downcast. There’s no way I can bring myself to look at him right now.

Then there’s a hand gently lifting my chin.

“We were friends first, Isabelle. We can be friends again.”

I don’t know how I deserve that from him.

Part of me wants to push back, to beg him to protect himself like he did when he cut me off.

But that same selfish part of me that prioritized myself over our relationship eight years ago craves having him in my life again too much.

Drawing in a shaky breath, I give him a small nod.

“Okay,” I whisper. Then repeat it again.

“Okay. Friends.” I jerk my thumb over my shoulder.

“I’m still gonna go now. I think I’ve, ah, overstayed my welcome. ”

Kai has a small smile on his face as he shrugs. “Nah, it’s all good. What’s a little breakdown between friends.”

I manage to laugh. He’s still good at lightening the mood, making me feel better with nothing more than a smile and a few words.

He follows me to the door, holding it open by leaning one shoulder against it. “See you around, friend.” His lip quirks up at the corner.

“Yeah. See you around.” I can’t let him hug me. Not again. So I slip out the door and walk toward the elevator, refusing to allow myself to look back.

Friends don’t look back.

The next day, the sun is shining, and it's unseasonably warm for this time of year, according to Tony. I’m thankful for it, needing to get out into the fresh air.

Last night didn’t go the way I expected it to.

Granted, I didn’t exactly have a clear idea of what would happen when I went over to Kai’s apartment to confront him about the headlines I found in my internet search.

I wasn’t only surprised to see all those photos and read the things they said about him.

I was disappointed. It had nothing to do with seeing pictures of him with other women, not that I particularly enjoyed that.

It was more that the version of Kai those articles showed seemed so fake.

So superficial and flashy. No heart or substance.

Nothing like the man I knew. It saddened me to think that was the version of himself he was showing the world.

I make the short drive out to the university campus that sits on the end of a point of land, surrounded by a lush green forest filled with trails.

I’d picked my route before I left and am pleased it’s easy to find.

The parking lot is about half full when I pull in, and as I head out on the trail, I pass a couple of people who greet me with a smile.

The trail weaves through giant old-growth trees, with dappled sunlight filtering through the canopy. It’s peaceful. The sounds of nature keep me company. Italy has many beautiful places, but nothing can compare to this. I’ll give it to Vancouver, it’s a stunning city.

When I come across a bench, I sink down and tip my head back, taking several deep breaths.

My cousin would love it here. She’s constantly bugging me to bring her to Canada, saying she wants to fall in love with a lumberjack.

Just thinking of her makes me miss her. She’s the reason I went to Italy in the first place, and she’s my closest friend.

Opening my phone, I snap a selfie and send it to Maria. Instead of replying, my phone lights up with an incoming video call.

I answer with a wide smile. “I knew that would tempt you.”

“Isabelle, show me more!” Her heavily accented English is loud in the quiet green forest. I laugh, turning down the volume as I rotate the camera around to show her the scenery.

She switches to Italian, rapid-fire talking about how stunning it is, how jealous she is of me, and how annoying it is that Italy doesn’t have forests like that.

“You should’ve been born a wood nymph,” I tease her when I turn the camera back.

“Si, then I could have love with a lumberjack.” She nods, her eyes twinkling. “So, tell me. How is your mama?”

We spend a few minutes catching up on small things before I can’t hold back any longer.

“Maria. Kai’s here, in Vancouver.”

Her brow furrows for a second or two before she realizes who I’m talking about.

“No… Kai? Your Kai? He is there?”

I nod. “On Tony’s team.”

“Oh merda ! How was it to see him?”

“I don’t know.” I blow a breath out through my lips. “Good? Bad? Strange? Wonderful? It was crazy, Maria.”

Her face is full of sympathy. “And how do you feel now?”

“The same. Good, bad, strange, and wonderful.”

That earns me a tiny smile. “Oh Isabelle. Did you tell him you still love him?”

I look at her, horrified. “What? No! I don’t. I mean, no. I couldn’t say that even if I did. I’m not staying here. And I don’t still love him, that’s ridiculous.” A pit opens in my stomach as Maria cocks her head to the side, looking at me through the phone.

“I don’t,” I say in a feeble voice.

“Se lo dici tu.”

“I do say so.” I stand up, hoping my glare makes it through the phone to her. When she raises her hand, I have to accept that she knows to let it go.

“Are you going to see him again?”

“I mean, probably? We’ll go to another baseball game, I’m sure.” I start to slowly meander down the trail again.

“I mean away from the game.”

I swallow. And nod. “We’re…going to try and be friends.”

“Oh Isabelle,” Maria says softly. “Are you sure?”

My lip is tugged between my teeth as I consider how to answer.

We’ve always been honest with each other.

And I won’t start lying to her now. “No, I’m not.

But I don’t think I can be in the same city as him and not see him again.

Friends is the only answer that makes sense.

At least he knows I’m leaving again so no one can get hurt. ”

“He is still in your heart, cousin, no matter what you say. And when it comes to matters of the heart, someone can always be hurt. I only hope it is not you.”

My eyes feel damp as I give her a small smile. “Me too.”