Page 41 of Cryptic Dreams

I don’t even feel guilty really.

Normally even the littlest splurge makes me sick to my stomach, but for some reason, accepting these things from Wraith, it just feels right. It feels like I’m supposed to accept his gifts, and the reason I do, honestly? I can tell how much it means to him when I do.

How messed up is that?

He probably doesn’t want me, might even hate me, and will inevitably reject me. et he buys me thoughtful things, does meaningful things for me, and I let him because it makes him happy, which in turn makes me happy.

So fucked up.

“Oy!” My gaze flies to the mirror as Wraith barks, “This better be the bloody hammer and not some nasty bit the two of you forgot to clean out of the backseat!”

Orion snorts as he digs around underneath Wraith. “Like you’d really care.” Then he pulls out the hammer, the one I’m still unsure why he brought. “You’ve seen and used far worse than anything Aries and I have.”

Aries chuckles. “And you wouldn’t give two shits if it was clean or not.”

“Bugger off, the lot of you,” Wraith grunts.

And my heart sinks.

Again, I’m not stupid. I know he’s a Descendant and incredibly attractive, he’s so sexy and charismatic. Male and female alike probably fall all over him but it doesn’t mean I want to hear about it.

Mate or not, it’s just a reminder of all the things I’ll never have or experience. And quite frankly, I’m not sure what to make of the fact that I’m interested in what Wraith has seen or used that could befar worsethan what I’m guessing was in reference to a dildo. No, I have no idea what to do with how it makes me curious and almost eager for whatever dark secrets my mate could be hiding.

Definitely messed up.

Orion laughs from behind me, the belly laugh I miss so much, the one I don’t get to hear very often because he’s usually so worried about me he can’t let loose, and when my traitorous eyes check the mirror again, I find beautiful obsidian ones staring back at me. And they almost look... apologetic?

But I don’t have any time to analyze whatever the hell that look is for, because Aries pulls up in front of the house and starts backing into the driveway.

My hands turn clammy and my pulse spikes. I know Ian’s not here—not that I know where he is but he isn’t here—I just can’t help that I feel like I’m about to walk in front of a firing squad. Especially since I’m in Aries’s truck and Ian hated it when anyone else came to the house, for any reason at all. And even though I know he’s gone, I’m still terrified he’s not.

Waiting behind a door.

Lurking in the hall.

Hiding out in my tiny attic room after destroying everything that was important to me.

It won’t happen, I know that, it can’t anymore but it still feels like it could, especially since I don’t remember what actually took place the last time I was here.

Another reason I’m super screwed up?

Despite everything, every last thing said or done, I’m glad Wraith is here. Really glad, and it makes me feel better about going into the house. Wraith makes me feel safe and he almost makes me feel... brave.

He probably shouldn’t, and I have no idea why he does, but it is what it is and to be perfectly honest, I’d love to crawl inside him and hide during this whole thing. Which is kind of weird and definitely not going to happen, but I’d settle for standing close enough to accidentally brush his hand while we pack up my room.

I guess I’m stupider than I thought.

Tears form along my lashes as I look out the window, as I look up at the only place I’ve ever lived, one I haven’t called home since my parents shared it with me. It’s funny really, being sort of sad, sort of feeling a sense of loss even though this place was basically hell on earth the last thirty or so years.

It’s a little like Pandora’s box.

While I want nothing more than to go inside one last time and see what’s in there through different eyes before I can walk away forever, I’m scared of the demons we’ll uncover, the ghosts that will haunt me long after I’ve left this place for good.

“Z?” Orion’s hand comes around the back of my seat, lands on my shoulder and gives it a firm squeeze of reassurance. “You ok, honey?”

I nod away my tears. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. Just ready.”

“We can go in and do it for you,” Aries offers with a pat to my thigh. “You don’t even have to get out of the truck. Just tell us what you want and we’ll get it.”