Page 21 of Colin Gets Promoted and Dooms the World

Thirteen

I spent the rest of the night in our living room, huddled on the couch after turning on every light I could find.

I’d tried to pretend that these disappearances were a minor inconvenience more than anything else—after all, they were happening to strangers.

It was harder to do that, though, when a terrifying supernatural menace popped into your bedroom and told you that you’re responsible for the imminent annihilation of your entire species.

You’re all going to die.

Eventually, the day began. I went through the motions of getting ready for work, and on my way out of the apartment I paused in front of Amira’s bedroom door.

She was still in there, I told myself. The Thing hadn’t taken her yet, and it never would, because I was going to stop it.

Somehow. All I had to do was come up with a brilliant idea about how to save everyone.

I was still waiting for an epiphany when Ms. Crenshaw stepped out of her office after lunch.

“We’re onboarding several big clients today, so I’ll be down on the seventh floor for the rest of the afternoon.

You can use that time to practice your basic incantations.

I want to see some improvement by the end of the day. ” Then she was gone.

Dutifully, I got out my company-issued grimoire and ran through a couple of exercises.

It would be so cool to bend the universe to my will, but this whole sorcery thing was a lot harder than I’d expected.

Most of these incantations involved words devised by creatures with nonhuman vocal anatomies, which made pronunciation really tricky.

I eventually garbled something badly enough that I set my bow tie on fire, followed by me screaming and running into the nearest bathroom and hurling water into my own face for several minutes.

The smoking remnants of my bow tie consigned to the trash, I decided to quit while I was still alive.

I had more important things to worry about, like identifying the Thing and then heroically preventing it from killing everyone.

Hurrying down to the Repository, I skipped the catalog this time and instead asked at the circulation desk where I might find Lex.

The older woman behind the desk pursed her lips disapprovingly and pointed behind me, to a bright green mohawk stomping down a spiral staircase from the floor above.

I dashed across the atrium to intercept Lex. “Hi there!”

Pierced eyebrows drawing downward in irritated bemusement, Lex paused as they looked me over. “Oh, hey, I remember you. You’re the guy from thirteen who’s obviously in way over his head.”

“What? No. It’s me. Colin.”

“Yeah. That’s what I said.”

I tried not to take offense. “Look, I need to do some extremely important research. Can you help me again?”

Exhaling, Lex ran both hands along the sides of their mohawk.

Dressed in a baggy Black Sabbath T-shirt and ripped jeans, they certainly looked nothing like the tweed-clad woman stationed at the circulation desk.

Maybe that was why she was watching us beadily.

“Dude, I can’t drop everything whenever you need help. I have stuff to do.”

I paused. “Okay, that’s fair,” I allowed. “And I apologize for expecting you to do that. But I don’t know where to start, and this project is, like, genuinely important.”

Studying me, they sighed again. “I just can’t say no to a lost cause,” they muttered.

“So you’ll help?” I asked excitedly.

“Yeah, I’ll help. But if Gertrude asks”—their eyes flicked to the woman still watching us—“I need you to tell her that you threatened me with evisceration or something, okay?”

“Deal.”

Lex shook their head resignedly. “What are you trying to find?”

I thought about it for a moment. “Well, there’s something out there that’s making people disappear, and I need to figure out exactly what it is.”

“That’s it? That’s all you’ve got?”

“Uh, yeah, mostly. But how hard can it be? There can’t be that many ways for people to disappear.”

“This is so stupid,” I groaned an hour later. “There are literally four million ways for people to disappear.”

We were seated at a wide table buried in the stacks on the sixth level, surrounded by precarious stacks of books, heaped piles of cylindrical scroll cases, and accordion folders full of loose papers.

I’d just finished skimming the private correspondence of Aleister Crowley, English occultist and certified whack job, and all I’d learned was that he was a total perv with an interest in making attractive young women disappear into his sex dungeon.

Slapping shut the folder of Crowley’s letters, which smelled of cigarettes and old-man musk, I shoved it away from me with a sigh.

Lex glanced up from the book open in front of them.

“Some of this stuff is cool, though. Listen to this: in Japan, the Namahage Festival has people who dress up like demons and yell at naughty kids, but the festival is a smoke screen for the real namahage, who kidnap bad children and carry them away.”

“You think that’s cool?”

They shrugged. “Sure. I mean, it sucks to be those kids, but you have to give props to a bunch of demons who created a human festival so they could convince parents to hand over their children.”

I wasn’t sure I had to give props at all, but I decided not to press the point. “Yeah, cool,” I mumbled. “What do they do with naughty children?”

Lex raised their eyebrows. “Eat them,” they replied, as if it were obvious.

“Why does everything want to eat us?” I demanded.

“Because we’re juicy and soft? I have no idea.”

With a sigh, I reached for a heavy book and dragged it closer. I was about to open it when Lex spoke up again. “Is this related to that seal you wanted me to look at?”

“What seal? Oh, that. Yeah, actually. At least, I think so.”

Lex favored me with an irritated stare. “Why didn’t you mention that earlier? That might have helped to narrow things down.”

“How?” I asked, equally exasperated. “All we learned from that seal is that Management made it. How is that helpful?”

Lex muttered grumpily under their breath. “I thought you were going to leave that alone.”

“No, you told me I should leave it alone.”

“But you didn’t.”

“Because it’s related to something really bad that’s happening in the city. Every time the oracles in Analysis and Logistics try to see what’s happening, they have strokes and die.”

Lex frowned thoughtfully as they watched me. “Okay, that’s weird,” they conceded. “But why are you getting involved? This sounds like it’s way, way, way above your pay grade.”

Glancing over my shoulder, I leaned in and said quietly, “The board has decided to open two positions in middle management to the executive assistants, if we can prove ourselves.”

Lex snorted. “This is all so you can get another promotion? Lame, dude.”

“Well, excuse me for having a little ambition!”

“Ambition means you want to oppress people. I’m going to be a Class 5 librarian forever, and that’s cool with me.”

“You actually want to spend the next forty years reshelving books?”

“Shut up, Colin.”

I let out an aggrieved sigh. “Pursuing a better job isn’t the same thing as oppressing people.” Not that I was opposed to doing so. I could think of any number of people I’d love to oppress.

Lex shook their head. “Fine. So you’re competing for a spot in middle management.

You want to figure out what’s causing all these disappearances so you can impress your boss.

You think that seal has something to do with it, which means Management has something to do with it, which means investigating any of this is incredibly dangerous. ”

“That about sums it up, yeah.”

“Okay, well, I think I might have spotted a flaw in your plan.” They gestured expressively to the mounds of material covering the table. “Assuming you could have found these sources on your own, how much of this can you actually read?”

“Uh.” I sorted through nearby books and folders. “I can read this. And this…oh, no, that’s German. I think I can read…okay, I have no idea what language that is. Is there anything in Spanish? I took a year of Spanish in high school.”

“Great. So if the information you’re looking for happens to describe people going to the beach—”

“La playa,” I volunteered.

“—or asking for directions to the nearest pharmacy—”

“Wait, don’t tell me. Uh…?Donde es la farmacia?”

“—you’ll be fine.”

I frowned at Lex while they smirked back. “Okay, you got me,” I said, biting off each word. “I’m not an expert researcher.” Then I softened my tone. “Which is why I could really use your help with this.”

Lex gave their mohawk another firm shake.

“Look, dude, I may be a sucker for lost causes, but you’re asking for a lot here.

I’m not interested in becoming your personal librarian, especially if it’s so you can end up in a corner office someday.

If you want to become a corporate drone, that’s fine, but I hate that shit. ”

I was about to respond when someone with an Australian drawl spoke up behind me.

“Look who it is—Crenshaw’s golden boy.” Tamsin strolled into view, pausing at one end of our table.

Effortlessly chic in high-waisted pants of apricot linen and a crisp white blouse ornamented with retro ruffles, she tilted her head to examine the book in front of me before subjecting Lex to a cool appraisal.

“Slumming it in the stacks, I see,” she remarked as she looked at me with an unfriendly little smile.

“Who’s this?” Lex asked me, jerking their thumb in her direction.

“She works for Ms. Obiakaeze in Transportation,” I muttered. Then, to Tamsin, I said in a tone of forced politeness, “Can we help you with something?”

She tossed her head a little, making her long blond hair sway gently down her back. “Oh, I was passing through and saw you sitting here.”

I looked at the surrounding shelves. “Really? You just happened to be passing by an obscure corner of this enormous library?”