Page 63 of Close to You

‘Someone who sells stolen goods?’

He turns away and it feels like something is broken – or, perhaps, it was never whole in the first place.

‘I can get the money I owe you,’ he says, even though I’ve not asked about it.

‘I don’t care about money, David. It’s the lies. Maybe youhavebeen in Estonia all week – but the fact I even question it is what matters.’

‘I’ll make it up to you…’

It’s me who turns away this time, backing towards the sofa. The anger is gone and now there’s only resignation.

‘I don’t think you can,’ I reply. At first, I don’t know what to add, but then, from nowhere, I do: ‘I need a break.’

David stands staring at me. His shoulders have slumped and his bottom lip is wobbling.

‘What does that mean?’ David’s voice cracks, like a teenage boy’s. ‘Are we breaking up?’

‘No, just a break. Tonight. I want time to think and I can’t be here.’

‘Where are you going?’

‘Somewhere.’

I move into the bedroom and grab a bag from the bottom of the wardrobe. There’s nothing methodical about my packing as I pull a handful of clothes from my drawers and stuff them inside. When I turn, I expect David to be in the doorway. I’m surprised that it’s empty as I fumble with my mobile and then call Jane. We’ve barely spoken since the wedding and yet she answers so quickly, and says my name with such conviction, that it’s as if she’s expected this all along.

‘Are you safe?’ she asks.

The question stops me momentarily.

‘Can I come to yours?’ I reply.

‘I’m away in Nottingham for a hen do this weekend. I’m not drinking, but…’ The thought ebbs away and then she adds: ‘I’ll send Ben.’

‘OK.’

‘He’s not hurt you, has he…?’

It takes me a second to realise that she means David. I’ve never felt in danger around him, but then I’ve missed so many things – some of them wilfully.

‘No,’ I say.

Something rustles in the background and then it’s Jane’s voice again: ‘I’m going to hang up and call Ben now,’ she says. ‘You can have the spare room. Stay as long as you want. I’ll be back in the morning and we can talk then.’

She’s efficient and in control, which at least makes one of us. It’s hard to admit that other people were right all along about getting married so soon. Perhaps even specifically about David.

I hang up and sit on the bed, bag at my feet, waiting. The wind is still raging outside, rattling the windows as if it’s trying to get in. I think back to being on the stairs of Jane and Ben’s house, wondering if I would have ended up with anyone who sat next to me and said nice things. I was looking for anyone who’d encourage and offer comfort, assuming love would come. I’m not sure it ever has. There was a big part of me that wanted to win, as well. To be married first. To prove I was happy.

The bedside clock changes time agonisingly slowly. Minutes pass and then David’s shadow appears in the doorway, blocking most of the light as he leans into the frame.

‘Please stay,’ he says.

‘I need a night to think.’

‘We can keep trying for a baby if you stay.’

This is how it’s been with David and me. I think I’ve made up my mind to do one thing and then, from nowhere, I find myself doing another. I made a decision on the bridge that day, the same way that I made a choice in the service station. David might have suggested it, but I went along. I decided that having a baby was whatIwanted.

Except that it isn’t happening.