Page 10 of Choosing Her

saylor

“I don't get it,” Poppy said. “If your parents want you to do it this badly, why didn't you just say yes?”

I slowly guided my horse, Bourbon, toward the side of the outdoor arena where she was sitting on top of the fence.

Her feet were dangling and knocking into each other every couple of seconds, while the wind was blowing her brown hair everywhere.

Looking at her now, you never would have guessed she’d never been within fifty feet of a barn before she met me a year ago.

Now, she liked to come and chat with me while I was riding all the time.

She wanted me to teach her to ride so we could go on the trails together, but I knew I would not be a good teacher—the same thing I needed to get through the thick skull of Caleb Cross.

“Why would I say yes?” I asked. I tightened my grip on the reins as I thought of the the way Crossy had looked at me in his coach’s office, like he was so desperate for me to say yes to the absurd idea of me tutoring him.

“I mean, it’s Crossy. I don’t even like sitting next to him in class, why would I subject myself to that in my free time too? ”

“But why?” Poppy persisted. “I mean, is he really that bad?”

Even though Poppy and I had been roommates last year, back when the whole Crossy fiasco had happened, I never actually told her what went down at New Year's Eve. Everything that happened that night had felt so special that I didn’t want to risk popping the bubble by telling anyone about it and having them not react as well to it as I had.

I thought it was safer to keep it close to my chest, to keep him close.

And then, when I realized he was never going to call me, I realized it was for the best that I hadn’t told her.

It wasn’t just about keeping the good memories pure in my mind—it also spared me from the embarrassment of dreaming about a boy who clearly didn’t like me back.

And then when he came flying back into my life so suddenly in the summer and told me that we should just forget it ever happened because he loved Naomi now, I knew I was right not to tell anyone. Some things just weren’t meant to be shared.

But back then, I hadn’t known that she would started dating Crossy’s best friend and wonder why I hated Crossy with such a passion.

“I just don’t want to work with him,” I said. “Isn’t that enough? Besides, it would take up all of my free time.”

“Well, how much tutoring does he need? I know math is hard, of course, but it’s not that insane. He shouldn’t need tutoring like five days a week or anything.”

I steered Bourbon to trot diagonally across the arena and used that as my excuse not to respond, until I was coming back around to her side again.

Because the truth was that I didn’t have a good reason to say no, other than that I didn’t want to spend time with him.

If he was any other student, I would say yes easily.

That was me: Rebecca Saylor, who bent to her parents’ whims without a fight.

I was sure it didn’t even occur to them that I might say no because I never did say no.

It was the same reason Mrs. Gao had told Coach Anderson that I would do if before even confirming with me.

In what universe would the answer be anything different?

“You want to know what I think?” Poppy asked. I didn’t point out that I wouldn’t have told her about this if I didn’t want her opinion, knowing the question was rhetorical. “I think Crossy really likes you, and you like him, and you’re just avoiding him because you’re scared of that.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I mumbled. How could she? I’d never told her any of it. But she didn’t know the way he’d wormed his way into my heart so easily on New Year’s Eve—or how he’d broken it in the summer with those four simple words.

I love Naomi now .

Why should I give up my free time to tutor someone like that? She was wrong about him liking me. A boy who liked me wouldn’t hurt me like that.

Not that I wanted him to like me. If it was up to me, we would never spend time together again.

He would become a distant memory for me, one of those people that were so easy to hate because all you remembered of them was the worst parts.

Because when I saw him every day like this, it seemed like my mind and body refused to forget the good.

All it took was for his arm to brush mine and I would remember it all—the thrum of the party around us, his lips on mine, his fingers digging into my hips, the fireworks going on above our heads like they were celebrating us.

Worst of all, I’d remembered the hope I’d felt for the future.

And it always took stepping away from him to remember how it all went wrong.

“What would your parents say if you decided not to do this?” Poppy asked.

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. It would blow over soon as they moved on to their next brilliant idea for my future, but what about until then?

They would definitely be angry, but it was hard to say how much.

What I did know was that if I said no this, I wouldn’t be able to refuse their next idea without making them extremely angry—angrier than I was willing to deal with.

And who knew what that next idea would be?

What if they suddenly found a boy for me to marry as soon as I finished high school?

Or picked my college major for me without any input?

Was it possible that doing this would be the lesser of two evils?

I kept mulling it over as I walked Bourbon back into the stable and put my saddle away. What would happen if I said no to this, and had to give in to something much worse?

As I came out of the tack room and came back to Bourbon, I stopped in my tracks when I saw Crossy petting her.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I asked coldly, storming up to him. Crossy looked at me with a smile on his face, then back at Bourbon, who was leaning into his touch— the traitor .

“Getting to know my new best friend,” Crossy said. “I think she likes me.”

“She likes everyone," I said. I forcefully pushed him aside with my shoulder so that I could grab a hoof pick and started her post-ride groom. “What do you want?”

“You know,” Crossy said thoughtfully, “your hair looks really good in that braid.”

I self-consciously ran a hand along the loose French braid that was hanging down my back.

Braids were the easiest way to wear my hair under my riding helmet, but today, I’d only done an extremely loose one that was already coming undone.

Pieces of my brown hair had been falling in my face since I took the helmet off, and it probably made me look like a mess.

I wondered whether that was the comment he was trying to make, without saying it—or was he actually complimenting me?

“Thanks,” I muttered.

I turned my back to him as I began cleaning out Bourbon’s hoofs, but I could feel him still standing behind me.

He continued standing there as I cleaned out all her hooves, then grabbed the curry comb next.

Was he really going to stand there the whole time I groomed her?

I started brushing her on the opposite side of her than he was, hoping he would catch the hint, but he didn’t walk away.

“Was there something you needed?” I snapped. He sighed and walked around Bourbon’s front so he could see me. I made a point of keeping my eyes on her, instead of him.

“I was wondering if you had reconsidered the whole tutoring thing.”

“You mean in the two hours since I saw you? No, I haven’t. Bye.”

I didn’t really expect him to walk away, but I had to admit that I was a little annoyed when he didn’t.

I tried to focus on Bourbon and pretend that Crossy wasn’t anywhere near me, but it was hard when his noisy breathing was all I could hear.

Not to mention that he seemed to be absent-mindedly petting her, even though I’d all but told him to back off.

“I was wondering…” He trailed off as I turned to look at him with my best glare.

It gave me a sick sense of satisfaction to see that it was enough to make him re-think whatever he was saying.

But it wasn’t enough to make him go away, apparently.

“I was wondering if there was anything I could do to change your mind.”

“No,” I said shortly. “There isn’t.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie—the only thing that might convince me to go through with this was something he had no control over.

It was the idea of the future, of what my parents might ask of me next, that was making me question my hasty rejection.

Even though they were thousands of kilometres away, my parents were still able to control my every move—just like always.

I moved to the other side of Bourbon to keep brushing her and Crossy followed, cutting way too close behind her. I was torn between warning him that he was within kicking range and not wanting to give him anything, even that. The decision was made for me as he made his way around, unharmed.

“Saylor, please,” he said. I heard the pleading in his voice and I kept my gaze away from him, not wanting to see the pleading eyes he’d been giving me in his coach’s office earlier.

I would not buckle to Caleb Cross’s puppy dog eyes.

Not today. “I’m desperate, okay? I have to take the next level of this class next semester and I can’t do that if I fail this semester. Without it, I won’t graduate.”

I slowed my movements and looked at him curiously. “If you need to take both, why didn’t you take this class last year?”

That was the way he was supposed to do it. The class they’d asked for my help in was a junior year class and Crossy was a senior—a year older than me. The only reason we had English Lit together was because it was open to juniors and seniors alike. Why would he be a year behind in math?

“I did,” he said, which didn’t clarify anything. “But… Well, I was in London, you know?”

I pressed my lips together at the reminder. He probably didn’t have any time for math while he was in London, because he was too busy gallivanting around the city with my sister. And now he seriously had the audacity to ask me for help? Was he out of his freaking mind?

“Saylor,” he said again, and he put a hand to my forearm.

And suddenly, like that, I wasn't standing in the stables anymore. I was sitting on the washing machine, taking a long sip of coke as the cute boy in front of me told me his name was Crossy. I wished I could go back in time to that moment—to relive the good times or to stop myself from even having that first conversation, I wasn’t sure.

I yanked my arm away, stopping the memory in its tracks. I hated that he could do that to me. That every touch reminded me of that wonderful night, full of promise and future plans that came crashing down when he walked away.

“Please,” he said, his voice sounding more genuine than I’d ever heard it.

It was like I could see the walls in front of him coming down with each word.

“I know you don’t like me, Saylor. I know there’s probably nothing I can do that will make up for the way I hurt you this summer.

So, I’m not asking you as a friend but as a fellow student—I need your help. ”

I stared at him, my mind at war with itself.

How could I say no, when I knew this was his only chance?

But on the other hand, how could I say yes—knowing that every moment I spent with him, I would be remembering the way it felt to have his lips on mine or the stomach-dropping moment when I first saw him in the summer?

Would we actually be able to get anything done, if I was busy thinking about those two polar opposite moments that defined our relationship?

I sighed, resigning myself to my fate. “You’re sure there’s nobody else?”

“We’ve been looking,” Crossy said. “Ever since I switched into the class. We thought my grades from last semester was high enough to get into the grade twelve class but…” He let out a harsh breath.

“Saylor, please. There’s nobody else. I’m begging you—heck I’ll get down on my knees right now, if you want. ”

I watched his hand as he grabbed at his wavy brown hair, then my eyes drift toward the muscles that strained against his long-sleeve shirt. He didn’t look so different than he had that night, back when I had no idea who he was or that I was giving him the power to ruin me.

“I have one stipulation,” I said.

“Anything,” he replied immediately.

I took a deep breath. “Naomi never finds out.”