Chapter 19

Sparrow

With every shot of Louis or Ravi firing their guns, my eyes blink instinctively, and my whole body tenses up. I try not to flinch as much as I want to, but I can’t help it; I’m so used to reacting to danger with fear that I can’t…I can’t…

“You all right?” Ravi asks next to me. He’s got a revolver in his hand, and together with his bandanna and full jeans outfit, he looks like some wild Western character, only with darker skin and hair.

“Mm-hmm” is all I get out—a squeak of a sound—and I curse myself for how pathetic I seem. How can Louis and Ravi be so relaxed about this? Sure, we’re not in any immediate danger, but that sound…Even with the earmuffs, it’s overwhelming.

“Don’t worry.” Ravi hands me a bottle of water, and I gulp down a couple of mouthfuls, not having realized how thirsty I was. “This is mostly for fun anyway.”

Doesn’t seem like Louis feels the same. His usual grim expression looks even more severe with the sunlight casting shadows under his eyes.

“It’s time,” he says, waving a hand my way.

I go to him warily. Even though I know he won’t judge me if I fail, I can’t help but worry I’ll let him down.

Watching Ravi and Louis fire off their weapons is scary enough. Actually holding one, maybe imagining blowing someone’s head off when I pull the trigger…The very thought makes me shiver down to my bones.

But that’s just one part of me. The other part, the part that straddled Eric Fletcher and sliced him to shreds…Yeah, that part is drawn to holding death in my hands.

Louis motions for me to stand in front of him, and he envelops his strong body around mine, his sweat seeping into the back of my shirt.

“It’s okay,” he whispers in my ear. “You hold it like this, like I showed you. Remember?” He slots the gun between my hands and squeezes my fingers around it. “Unless you’re gonna fire, hold your finger off the trigger, okay?”

He lets go, and I balance the gun precariously in my hands.

“Now hold it out and aim.”

I lift my arms out. They start shaking right away from the weight of the weapon.

“See that little pin out front?” Louis says. “That’s where you want your target. Try it.”

I squint into the tiny pinpoint hole at the top of the gun.

“You see it?” Louis asks.

“Y-Yeah.”

He adjusts my earmuffs. “Now put your hand on the trigger and aim.”

I aim with shaky arms toward a wooden target.

“And when you’re ready, pu—”

I squeeze my finger hard on the trigger. There’s a blast, and the recoil startles me enough to make me flinch and miss the target.

“There you go,” Louis says. “Wasn’t so scary, was it?”

No…it wasn’t. I lower the gun, still with my finger on the trigger.

“Careful, now,” Louis says. “Always be aware of the deadly weapon in your hands. Let’s try again.”

I hug the gun with both my hands, feeling the weight of it. The power. I imagine Aaron’s face on one of the targets. His vicious smile, his soft smile, how he used to degrade me, lift me up, reassure me, destroy me…

Taking a deep breath and steadying my feet, I aim and pull the trigger once again, and once again, the recoil sends me flinching and squeezing my eyes shut.

“Try again,” Louis says. “You were so close.”

I inhale through my nose and exhale slowly through my mouth. I can do it. Louis said I can do it.

Again I picture Aaron’s face on the target. Again I see his smile, his blue eyes glittering with cruelty and malice…He saw me for the one I was, and he knew what I needed…

No. Fuck him. Fuck him!

I pull the trigger. Shoot. And hit the target bull’s-eye.

Ravi whoops behind me. “Hell yeah!”

I shoot again. And again. I pepper the target with bullets, gritting my teeth, imagining Aaron’s smile shattering as the bullets penetrate his skull. I imagine blood seeping out of a hole in his eye, and he’s not smiling anymore. He’s not smiling ever again.

Vaguely, I register how Louis says my name, but I don’t stop. All I can focus on are the phish of the bullets finding their home and Aaron’s blood squirting out of his body, his chest now, his heart.

You’re so small and weak, just like a bird. Just like a little sparrow…

Laughter echoes in my head, giving way to a quick flash of memories.

Aaron’s hands in the kitchen cupping my cheek when Madame turned the other way. Aaron’s fingers pinching my side. Aaron’s grunt of pleasure when he pushed inside me…

Even though I hate him, part of me still misses the way he made me feel, and that’s the worst of everything. Worse than the pain, worse than the heartache. I can’t let Louis know; he’d never understand. I have to keep this with me: all the hurt, the longing, and the terrible, searing shame.

The gun clicks as I fitfully try to fire once more. Louis’s hands envelop mine, taking the gun from me, and next thing I know, I’m hunched on the ground, shaking and crying.

“Shit, what’s up with him?” Ravi asks.

“I don’t know. Sparrow? Sparrow, can you hear me?” Louis hunches in front of me, his big hands stroking my sides.

I inhale a few frantic breaths and force myself to stop crying. “I’m fine,” I choke out. “I just got a bit too into it, I suppose.”

Ravi snorts. “Yeah, you could say that.”

Louis just looks at me, a concerned wrinkle between his bushy dark brows.

With my sight and hearing returning full force, so do the sensations of my body, and I feel a sudden pressure in my lower abdomen. “Need to pee.” I wander into the bushes and do my business while Ravi and Louis pack up the equipment.

On my way back to Ravi’s truck, I hear their voices, and for some reason, I stay back behind the hood and listen.

“…a lot of anger trapped in that boy.”

Ravi snorts. “Yeah, no shit. Maybe you two aren’t so different after all.”

“He’s too trusting,” Louis says, and I hear the frown in his voice.

“Maybe it’s good he ran into you, then.”

“He doesn’t know me. Not really. He doesn’t know what I’m really like.”

“Louis …”

I stay back for a few more moments, desperate to hear more, but I have to reveal myself eventually, or else they’ll start to wonder where I’ve run off to.

Louis smiles when he sees me. He pulls me closer and brushes a hand over my cheek. “Got some dirt on you, boy. How about we take a bath when we get home?”

A bath.

I blink against the onslaught of memories threatening to flood my senses.

We’re both guys, aren’t we? Do as I say.

All I get out is a shaky “o-okay” as Louis strokes the top of my head in a gesture that should feel affectionate but instead makes me shudder with unease.

A bath is fine. It should be fine. It has to be fine. With Louis, I can replace that memory with a good one. I won’t think about Aaron. I won’t think about that .

I lean against Louis in the back seat, playing off my shut eyes as exhaustion. I try to focus on his large hands stroking my hair, desperate not to let my mind replace his warm, callused palms with the cold, slithering touch of my foster brother.

I squeeze my eyes shut, begging him to stop haunting me, to please leave me alone. How can I get rid of him if I can’t slice into his flesh like I did with Eric? How can I get rid of him if I can’t pepper him with bullets like I did the target? Only then would the shame leave my body, but it’ll never happen, so I can’t be fixed.

He still lives in me, and he won’t ever let me go.