Page 64 of Branded (Breakers Hockey)

Thirty

Beth

I was exhausted.

Always exhausted, though it wasn’t from growing two babies.

I was exhausted because I’d just finished talking with Marin.

My first session.

God, it had been painful.

Sitting there in silence, trying to find the right way to get started, to explain. But how did I begin to unpack the decades of demons and the castle I’d built and how it had lasted for years but was threatening to crumple under my blossoming hope?

How did I explain that I was certain I was going to ruin my relationship with Raph? Be too broken, impossible to fix, the missing pieces too insurmountable?

How did I admit to only allowing myself to be with Raph because I’d initially convinced myself that I was fixing him , but when in actuality, it felt very much the opposite?

How did I?—

So much to unpack.

And that was without even dredging up the worst of it.

What I worried most about was telling Raph, telling anyone . Because…the one time I had talked about it?—

I shuddered, and it rippled through my sore muscles, made my head throb anew.

I’d been so, so tense…and then Marin had asked me an innocuous question. I didn’t even remember what it was, just that it had seemed to pop the cork on my words and then we were talking.

And I was talking .

Mostly about the present, explaining about the babies and Pru and Marcel. Talking about the date with Raph and how it was the first time in as long as I could remember that I wanted to stop hiding—and wanted it intensely enough to be willing to share the bad stuff that might turn him from me.

But—

Maybe the urge to share came now because Raph wouldn’t turn from me.

Because he’d traveled his own tough path and I hadn’t cut ties.

Of course, his shitty childhood wasn’t his own fault, not like mine?—

“Want to talk about it?”

Warm arms around my middle, a head resting gently on my shoulder. I leaned to the side and glanced up at Raph. My feet were in his hot tub, and he’d been at practice. A week since that date. A week since hope had blossomed.

Work and hockey games. Raph traveling for his, me hanging at my place and his for mine.

No more vertigo.

Lots of water—thanks to the calendar reminders Raph had set in my phone for me.

Loose clothes.

A growing belly.

And…safe and settled and myself . Raph’s smiles and his laughter and his gentle hands. Raph’s mouth and the glorious things it could do.

Raph’s—

Just Raph .

So when I said, “No, not today, I think,” it wasn’t a surprise that his arms just tightened slightly, his chin returned to rest back on my shoulder, and he dipped his feet into the hot tub, thighs bracketing mine.

And when I said, “Tell me about Smitty’s newest attempt at matchmaking,” he obliged the change in topic.

Soon the past was gone—not buried, no longer encased in concrete…but its hooks weren’t piercing me quite so deeply, those remaining demons peeking their heads out their doors perhaps not quite so terrifying.

Soon we were both laughing about Smitty’s antics and Cas’s protests and the way both had the locker room loose and relaxed and happy…and a betting pool had begun on how long it would take for Cas to fall.

The bets ranged from days to months.

But no years.

Hell, no one had even bet on it taking longer than six months for Smitty to fix Cas’s picker and for Cas to fall head over feet for the perfect woman.

Romantics, all of them.

And I loved it, loved them, loved that the team was getting along.

All of which meant the team was playing great.

All of which meant that Raph was happy.

I was…getting there—or maybe that feeling growing in my belly, my heart, my mind was more than getting there.

Maybe I already was happy.

And maybe I could stay that way.

A month later, Hazel, Pru, Kailey, and I were sitting at a high-top table at CeCe’s.

A babysitter had been hired, seven more therapy sessions had been attended and survived and left me feeling wrung out…

but in a good way. I was…dealing with it, dealing with the demons, the guilt, the worry, the past, and the pain.

None of it was gone, but I was finally able to halt my thoughts, to redirect without burying.

And that felt like I’d shed a dozen pounds…all of which I was doing my level best to fill with cheese.

But my feeling wrung out meant that Raph, the lovable, overprotective lug, had decided to call an informal guys’ night. Cas, Raph, Marcel, Oliver, Theo, Walker, and Smitty had all turned up and been relegated to another high-top table on the other side of the bar.

None of them minded.

The guys were…well, overprotective guys. Plus, they didn’t cross the carefully drawn boundaries that I had laughingly put into place, sealing the declaration by laying a kiss on Raph that I knew had ensured we’d be all aboard the Breakers’ gossip train.

I didn’t mind that either.

I was feeling…protective and possessive myself.

But those feelings didn’t send me spiraling, so…progress.

Then it had been time to stop thinking and to start participating in a much-needed Cheese Night Extravaganza.

Fried mozzarella. Nachos. Cheesy tater tots. Chili cheese fries. A nod at pretending to be healthy with a Caprese salad. Grilled cheese sliders.

If it had cheese, it went in our mouths.

As I went at the cheese consumption for a bit, though my belly was happy, I could cop to missing the ability to have a beer. God, all that cheese would go just perfectly with the hoppy deliciousness of an ice-cold beer.

“I’ll bring you one in the delivery room,” Pru said, my friend seeming to have understood exactly what me staring longingly at the pitcher of beer had brought to mind.

I cackled. “We’ve clearly been friends too long.”

“Not long enough,” Pru whispered, squeezing my hand. “Lucky to have you, Bethie.”

I inhaled, eyes prickling. “You going gushy on me again?”

Pru’s mouth turned up. “Let’s just say that the next friends’ trip we take is to a spa.

” A beat, her next words sounding like chewing on broken glass because they would be torture for Pru.

“With lots of shopping expeditions.” I let loose a squee that had Pru groaning, her head tipping back, eyes on the ceiling as she muttered, “Heaven help me.”

I flung an arm around Pru and hugged her tight, and as I turned back to the table, I caught sight of Raph watching me, lips turned up at the corners.

“God, he’s pretty,” I whispered.

“I think he thinks the same of you,” Pru whispered back.

“I think…I think I’m happy,” I said softly.

A pause…long enough to draw my gaze back to Pru’s, and I sucked in a breath when I saw that my friend’s eyes were damp. “I’m glad, Bethie. So glad.”

I sniffed.

Pru sniffed.

“Shit,” Pru whispered. “We’re both getting soft, aren’t we?”

“I think we’ve both been soft all along.” I nudged my shoulder against Pru’s. “We just didn’t recognize it.”

Pru was quiet for a long time.

Then she nudged me back. “ Two beers in the delivery room.”

I grinned and when I looked up and saw Raph still watching me, I knew that I didn’t think I was happy.

I was .

Then I saw who Cas was staring at, who he’d stared at more often than not over the years I’d known him…and I decided to play a bit of matchmaker herself…by convincing Jules to take her break at our table.

Class. Sass. Ass.

That was the perfect combination for Cas.