Page 55 of Branded (Breakers Hockey)

Twenty-One

Raph

It had taken everything in me to walk out of that room, and I knew it had been just as hard for Hazel when she came close the moment the door slid closed behind me.

I wrapped my arm around her as we moved to the elevators, waiting until we were inside to order, “Tell me.”

“Her stepdad and mom had a very…tumultuous relationship.”

Yeah, well, clearly that was the understatement of the year, considering what had happened over the last couple of hours.

I released a breath, trying to control my temper. “He hurt her.”

That wasn’t said as a question, but Hazel still took my words as one.

“I don’t think so,” she said carefully as the elevator doors closed. “I do know there was a lot of yelling and things were so intense that she was happy to be living at school instead of at home, even though both of us were way too young to be living on our own.”

“He hurt her,” I repeated.

This time with an emphasis on hurt so Hazel knew it was fact and not a question.

Hazel blinked, glanced up at me. “She tell you that?”

“She had a nightmare after that night in the ER, crying out and begging him not to hurt her.”

Hazel’s eyes went wide. “Shit,” she whispered.

If she hadn’t told Hazel about that, hadn’t told her and Pru, then how deep was this shit buried?

And what hope did I have of digging it out, of helping her slay those demons she was talking about?

Because it was clear they needed to be obliterated, to be destroyed, but… she didn’t even want me in the room.

The elevator began moving down.

Hazel turned in the circle of my arm and stared up at me.

There was fire in her brown eyes. “I need to know that you’re in this.”

I blinked. What the fuck?

She squeezed my hand. “You need to know where your head is at because if what you suspect is true, that means she’s had twenty-five years to bury it deep, and we’ve got a long road ahead of us to dig it out.”

I shook my head. “Hazel?—”

She poked me in the chest, her tone more intense than I’d ever heard it.

Usually, she was soft and gentle, guiding the guys through their shit without pushing (though she had a spine of steel and definitely would push as needed).

But this—the jab in my chest, the sharp tone—wasn’t typical Hazel, and it immediately had me even more on edge.

Because if Hazel was concerned enough to lose her normal calm edge, then this was some dark, dark stuff.

“Monica hurt you,” she said. “She made you question everything you’d built and trusted, and that cuts deep. I care about you, the guys care about you, which should be obvious considering the way they closed ranks when she tried to get to you.”

Monica had tried to weasel back in.

The guys had closed ranks.

And yeah, Monica had hurt me, but mostly, I was realizing, I’d hurt myself.

My parents weren’t great—my dad spent most of his time yelling and bitching about his life being shit, and my mom was flighty and weak and unreliable and hadn’t been any kind of barrier between me and my dad’s anger, and then she’d peaced out altogether, leaving me to deal with all that anger.

I had been—obviously because of all that rockiness—gun shy when it came to diving into something serious.

So, I hadn’t dated seriously, just fucked around and had fun, and relied on my instincts to choose right when the time came.

And I’d thought that time had come when I asked Monica out.

Beautiful. Sweet. A good job. A life put together.

I’d trusted myself to have finally chosen right.

And even when I’d considered moving on because there wasn’t a big spark, my feelings for her weren’t growing like I’d wanted, I’d still thought I could trust myself.

Because she might not be forever.

But I’d chosen right.

Not my parents. Not someone toxic. Someone good that any man would be lucky to have, just not me being that man.

Then when she was pregnant, I thought that the spark would grow, that she was a good choice and a good woman, and my instincts told me we could make a good go of it.

I was moving forward.

Being smart.

Using the good examples of relationships around me to create something good for myself, to create a family that was mine and healthy and something I really, really wanted.

But…I’d chosen poorly.

My instincts had led me to make the shittiest decision of all.

And I’d gotten fucked in the process.

But I didn’t have a chance to tell Hazel all of that, all of what I’d realized, that I was finally understanding why it had taken me over a year to sort my head—because me choosing Monica, me not seeing her for what she was meant I’d managed to shake the foundation of everything that was inside me, what made me me and…

Well, I didn’t get a chance to tell her any of that because her voice was gentling and her hand was on my arm, and her eyes were earnest…

and she was still talking. “And yeah, I know my job with the team is to be the resident head-getter-together, and I know you know I saw that you were hurting. But I also knew the guys were close, and because you’ve been playing out of your mind, because you were functioning and hadn’t asked for help, I haven’t waded in, haven’t forced you to face it. ”

The elevator doors opened.

“And maybe I should have.”

We stepped off, but we didn’t immediately head for the hospital exit.

Instead, Hazel snagged my arm and tugged me to the side, glancing around to make sure no one was within earshot before going on. “I thought you were slowly sorting out your shit, so I’ve been keeping an eye on you, watching close, making sure that you were moving in the right direction.”

I sucked in a breath, started to reply again, but she kept going.

“And, good grief, it was taking a long time, but because I thought you were slowly inching forward, I was waiting. Watching. Making sure you were still moving but trying to give you the space to do it on your own terms because you’re a big, broody hockey player and I know I can only push you guys so far.

” A small smile. “And plus, you were playing good and living, and I didn’t want to set you back when I wasn’t sure I could help yank you forward. ”

That, despite the circumstances, had me wanting to grin.

“So maybe I was stupid and shouldn’t have let you play this out slowly, shouldn’t have thrown Beth into your path just because I thought you guys would be good together and I knew she liked you, knew she would be good for you because she’s an awesome woman and friend.

” Her eyes filled with tears. “But I didn’t know she was hiding this.

” A breath. “And this is big, Raph. This is really freaking big, and you’ve been really, really hurt, and I can’t guarantee she won’t hurt you and that you won’t hurt her and that this won’t blow up in your faces and?—”

“Hazel.”

She closed her eyes, inhaled, and exhaled slowly.

“What I walked into in her room last night is heavy enough, buried deep enough that she didn’t share it with me, and I’ve known her almost her entire life, and we’ve shared a lot of heavy.

” Her lids opened, revealing damp brown eyes.

“It’s heavy in a way that I’m not sure I can handle, let alone a man who has been hurt in a heavy and deep way all on his own, a way I would totally get at balking at taking on something like this. ”

I’d been with Hazel throughout the entire conversation, understanding her, respecting her, appreciating the way she’d handled my situation and Beth’s, glad she’d brought in someone who would get Beth the help she needed.

But the last pissed me off.

“She’s not something to take on, ” I snapped, stepping closer. “She’s a beautiful woman who I’ve wanted for years. Someone funny and caring and kind, and you should know that, considering she’s been your best friend for fucking years .”

“Raph—”

“Does she wear a ton of shields, some of which I’m just starting to be able to peek around, and most of which are probably still buried deep? Fuck, yes.”

“Raph—”

“But does the way she smiles, how thoughtful she is, the person she is beneath the surface and who I suspect she is below all those shields mean that I would walk through fire for her? Fuck, yes.” I scowled.

“And there is no hesitation on my part because I spent a lifetime not knowing the difference between a good woman and a bad one, between a shit relationship and a good one. Because I’ve realized that what threw me for so big a fucking loop with Monica is not because she was a bitch—and newsflash, she was—but because I chose her.

I trusted myself to have finally picked something good, and she wasn’t that. ”

Now Hazel’s face softened. “Raph.”

“So my bullshit is my bullshit, and I didn’t even get exactly what it was until five minutes ago.

That being said”—I straightened—“I’m going to think that shit through, make sure it doesn’t color my life going forward because Beth, Beth fucking deserves a man with his head on straight, who’ll go to bat for her, even when shit swirls.

And I know”—I jabbed a finger in her direction—“that you know that’s true because Beth is Beth, and though I’ve only known her for three years and you’ve known her for almost a lifetime, she’s Beth . ”

Silence.

So I clipped out, “Don’t have anything to say to that?”

Her lips tipped up. “Was just waiting to make sure you were done.” She snagged my hand, leaned against my arm. “That was quite a roll you were on there.”

“Any of it wrong?”

Her head plunked onto my shoulder. “Nope. Beth is Beth and she’s worth digging deep and staying close for the long run.” A beat. “And that means forever, Raph. Just in case you were wondering how long you needed to have your mind straight for.”

“You think I finally got it together to falter at the finish line?”

Hazel lifted her head. “I think that you’re a good man and Beth has had some stuff go down, stuff that’s cut through the fog around you and prompted you into motion.”

I felt my scowl start again.

“And that’s a good thing. I’m glad you’re here and glad that you got your head right.

” A breath, tone bordering on careful. “But you’re a man of action, you’re a man who likes fixing things and being the person to make things right.

And I know Beth is that way, too. I know you can both help each other. ”

“But?”

“But I don’t much believe in miraculous left turns when it comes to trauma. It takes work to get through that, and even though you might have all the answers in this moment, in the future…”

“It took me a year to get to this point?—”

“A point you only recognized five minutes ago.”

Well, fuck. As much as it annoyed me, she was right.

“I’m not leaving her,” I said stubbornly.

“I hope you won’t,” Hazel whispered. “I just…” She squeezed my arm again. “Just keep working through that puzzle in that head of yours, and if it gets too heavy or you’re suddenly missing a few pieces, talk to me or Smitty or one of the guys.”

“Smitty’s got a big mouth,” I muttered.

“So, me.”

“You’ll just tell Ollie.”

“I wouldn’t. You know that.” Not offended, amusement in those brown eyes. Amusement led to a beatific smile. “Talk to Beth then.”

I shook my head. “She’s got enough on her plate.”

“And knowing Beth like I do—though clearly that knowledge has some holes in it considering the events of the last few hours.” She made a face.

“Anyway, the point is that nothing makes a woman like Beth feel like herself so much as being needed and part of something.” Hazel’s expression went a little stark, eyes unseeing, giving the impression of looking into the past…

and her next words proved I was right. “Take it from a former boarding school kid who spent a lot of time trying to find where she fit and what useful role she could play,” she said softly before giving me a nudge, belying the serious words, taking the edge off with an easy smile.

“Or take it from looking into yourself . I think you know something about having a mission and how that gives you a way of focusing on what’s important. ”

I knew that Hazel was right.

I still shot her a glare.

Mostly, because she was right.

But also, because I didn’t like all of what she’d said, especially that shit about finding her place. She was an integral part of the Breakers, and we would be much worse without her…and frankly, I would be worse without her.

I was lucky to call her a friend.

“You’re important to the team,” I said. “You have to know that you’re one of the most important pieces.”

She giggled. “I think the actual players on the ice, playing the actual games could make an argument against that.”

“Hazel,” I growled. “You’re important.”

Her hand squeezed my shoulder, smile widening. “Your protective streak is showing.”

Damn right it was.

But I had the feeling that nothing would make her feel so much as a show of the Raph I used to be, the old Raph I felt bubbling just beneath the surface. “You know,” I said, tapping a finger to my chin as we moved toward the exit. “I haven’t been feeling much like myself for the last while.”

“Yeeeah,” she said carefully, drawing out the agreement in a way that had me smiling.

“Which means that I haven’t really spent much time doing my favorite pastime.”

“I don’t want to hear about your sex life.”

I burst out laughing as we walked out the double doors, and God that felt good. “I was talking about pranks, Haze. Lots and lots of pranks are in yours and the boys’ futures.”

She groaned. “I take it back.”

“What back?”

“Don’t sort out your head. Stay stuck in it so I don’t have to deal with another round of Someone’s Superglued a Body Part to Something.”

I nudged her. “Now you’re just giving me ideas.”

Another groan, her head tipping back. “Dear God. I work with children. Big, burly ones who are giant pains in my asses.”

A tug of her ponytail. “You love it. Now,” I said when she lifted her head, but didn’t argue my point, “am I driving you home, or is Oliver coming to get you?”

Her face gentled and she nodded to the right. “He’s waiting in the lot.”

I approved. “I’ll walk you over.”

“Okay,” she murmured.

But we didn’t get very far because then Ollie was there, his gait so steady, no one would have guessed it was done on one prosthetic leg, never mind that it was recent and had ended his career.

Fuck.

Ollie had his head straight. He understood his priorities and all the good that came from having a woman like Hazel.

My shit was hardly in the same realm as Oliver’s.

So I needed to make doubly sure mine was shoveled away, that I was ready to be there for Beth.

Because I had some motherfucking demons to slay.