Page 27 of Bound to a Scot (Sins in a Kilt #2)
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
I n the days that followed, Cecilia seemed to be making a concerted effort to spend more time with Maddox, likely at the urging of her father. With their wedding in the near future, Macfie wanted to see them bond. As her future husband, Maddox didn’t disagree with the instinct. He was just having trouble bonding with a girl so many years his junior. More than that, he was having trouble bonding with Cecilia simply because she wasn’t Emmeline.
“What are yer lands like, Maddox?” Cecilia asked. “What will me new home be like?”
He glanced at the girl as they followed the path through the garden grounds together. Maddox frowned and tried to swallow down the feelings of discomfort that were bubbling in his belly. No matter how hard he tried, being with Cecilia felt like he was with a little sister. She was a lovely girl. There was no question about her beauty. She was intelligent, witty, and kind. But—she was just a girl.
It was something he knew he’d have to learn to live with. Something he was going to have to find a way to overcome. Barring some miracle, Cecilia was to be his wife, and he was going to learn to accept that, if not find a way to love her as best as he could. It was a thought that sent a wave of dark depression washing through him, not only because he could never be what he should be for her, but also because it meant Emmeline would forever be out of his reach.
“Well, our lands are beautiful,” he said. “We’ve got forests and mountains tae the east and the ocean tae the west. We’ve got fields filled with wildflowers—it’s a riot of color in the spring. The soil is black and rich—good fer plantin’. ‘Tis beautiful and the sunsets are the most incredible ones in the world.”
“It sounds beautiful. I think I can be happy in a place so beautiful,” she said with a wan smile.
It sounded as if she was trying to talk herself into being happy in Maddox’s home. It was a feeling he was able to relate to all too well. He hated that he felt the way he did. And hated even more the fact that he knew Cecilia could feel it as well. None of this was her fault and she shouldn’t be forced to bear the brunt of his indifference or dislike of the situation. But Maddox had never been very good at hiding his feelings and not giving voice to his thoughts. He was struggling to keep himself in check around the girl, but he knew she could see it written all over his face.
They stopped beside the brook and Cecilia turned to him. Standing with her back straight, she held his gaze, her expression serious.
“Ye dinnae want tae marry me,” she said.
Maddox said nothing, but he let his gaze fall to the dirt path beneath their feet. He didn’t want to lie to Cecilia since he felt she deserved more respect than that. But he also didn’t want to hurt her by admitting the truth. She reached out and took his hand, giving it a firm squeeze that compelled him to look into her eyes once more.
“Then why did ye agree tae this weddin’?” she asked.
“’Tis complicated.”
“It shouldnae be. Marriage should be between two people who love each other.”
“’Tis nae always so,” he said. “Ye’re a smart girl. Ye ken that’s nae always the way it works.”
“So, ye’re marryin’ me because it brings ye some benefit.”
“It benefits me people,” he replied honestly. “And it benefits yer faither. If there wasnae a mutual benefit, we’d nae be marryin’.”
She dropped his hand and lowered her gaze, an expression of sadness crossing her features. Cecilia shook her head and looked miserable.
“So, I’m just a pawn. A thing tae be bartered fer the best deal then,” she said.
“Ye’re more than just a pawn.”
“Oh? Am I now? Ye’re nae marryin’ me because ye love me. Ye’re marryin’ me because it benefits ye and yer people. Is that nae just a thing tae be bartered? A commodity tae be bought and sold fer the best price?” she asked.
Maddox opened his mouth to reply but the words withered and died on his tongue. She was far more perceptive than he had given her credit for. Although he couldn’t deny the truth in her words, it still bothered him that she saw herself as a commodity.
“Ye’re a lovely girl, Cecilia. And a man would be lucky tae have ye as a wife?—”
“But ye dinnae feel lucky. Dae ye?”
He frowned, not wanting to answer her question. “Dae ye feel lucky tae be marryin’ me?”
She bit her lower lip and frowned but said nothing, clearly not wanting to answer the question any more than he did. It was obvious she didn’t feel any luckier than he did. It was clear they were both stuck in a situation neither of them really wanted to be in. The girl was wise and had a maturity that was beyond her short years, and he thought perhaps she deserved the truth of things.
“Listen, I understand ye dinnae want tae marry me any more than I want tae marry ye. But yer faither willnae seal an alliance with me without me takin’ ye as me wife, so this is the world we live in,” he said. “About all we can dae is make the best of things. I told ye before, but I’ll tell ye again that I’ll never make ye dae anythin’ ye dinnae want tae dae. I’ll never force meself on ye.”
“Am I nae expected tae provide ye with an heir?”
It was Maddox’s turn to frown. He needed an heir eventually, that much was true. But the thought of having a woman who didn’t want to be with him produce that child turned his stomach. He knew some men in his position didn’t care whether a woman wanted to be with them or not. They saw them as things they possessed and used them as they saw fit. Laird Macfie was a prime example of that. But he couldn’t have an heir out of wedlock either, it would not be accepted as the laird of the clan. It was a thorny bramble he was going to need to find a way to navigate and just another problem this marriage was going to give him.
“We dinnae nae need tae worry about that right now,” he said. “That’s something we’ll talk about another time.”
She pursed her lips and looked deeply into his eyes for a moment, a pained uncertainty etched into her features as she considered his words. Maddox wasn’t good with things like emotions. And he wasn’t the best when it came to putting people at ease. That just wasn’t in his nature. But he found himself wanting to lighten the burden that was obviously on Cecilia’s heart and soul. He reached out and took her hand.
“Why dinnae we start as friends?” he said. “Let’s learn tae get along. Let’s get tae ken one another and learn tae like each other as people first. How would that be?”
Her smile wavered but she couldn’t hide the look of relief on her face. Despite that relief though, he could still see the underlying uncertainty and even a touch of fear, which he thought was perfectly natural. Maddox himself felt the same to a degree.
“Friends, eh?” she said.
He nodded. “Friends.”
“I can dae that.”
“Good,” he replied. “So can I.”
They turned and started down the path again. Maddox felt a bit better than he had earlier in the day. Perhaps he and Cecilia would find a way to make this marriage work. He wasn’t sure how just yet, but maybe they’d find a way to navigate it together.
“Want tae hear somethin’ funny?” she asked.
“Please.”
“When I was younger and thought about me marriage, I always wanted it tae be tae a man who looked at me the way ye look at Emmy.”
The blood in Maddox’s veins turned to ice and his stomach clenched so tight, it was painful. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat and turned to her.
“What did ye say?”
She rolled her eyes but smiled. “I’m nae a fool, Maddox. I’ve seen the way ye look at her. The way ye feel about her is obvious,” she said pleasantly. “All I was sayin’ was that when I was younger, that’s the way I wanted me husband tae look at me. That’s all.”
They walked on in silence. Maddox’s heart thundered in his chest and waves of nausea rolled through his stomach. She was indeed a perceptive girl. But if his feelings for Emmeline had been that obvious to her, who else were they obvious to?