Page 8

I HEARD A RUMOR

“Can I kill him?”

“I want to sing him to sleep.”

“He’s dead, he doesn’t sleep.”

“What if I make a sexy disguise and seduce him?”

All three men froze. I looked up from the map in my notebook.

We sat around a cement picnic table on one side of the green.

Every morning, the senior citizens occupied the park like a gang of roaming geriatrics.

A group practiced yoga while another handful of women spruced up the flower beds around the gazebo.

These three usually played poker, complete with nickel bets.

What had started as a training session for Monsters and Mayhem had gotten out of hand.

Nothing new there, but for three men in their twilight years, it reached a new level.

Normally, they’d be throwing down cards and retelling stories of a long-passed war.

When they volunteered to run the tabletop roleplaying for the kids, I had my reservations. Now, I knew why.

“Harvey, you can’t seduce a lich. He’s a dead wizard,” I said.

Words I never thought I’d say. The woman leading the yoga group moved into a position on her fingers and toes, butt sticking up in the air.

I wondered if I could keep up? Big boy legs were able, but I wasn’t sure my arms would hold up.

Maybe after the convention, I’d join them?

When she put one hand and leg up in the air, balancing on the other two, I wiped that foolish notion from my mind.

Harvey pushed his bifocals up his nose. “You’re telling me they wouldn’t find a curvy lady wizard attractive?”

All eyes were on me. I regretted my decision to enlist their help.

I should have recruited the kids that played in the back of the comic shop.

The adults of Firefly were pitching in however they could, and these three insisted they could be of help.

How could I say no to enthusiastic volunteers?

Their insistence on raising an army of ferocious bunnies wasn’t what I had in mind with this campaign.

Harvey held up his character profile. “High charisma. You said that meant I could charm the pants off anybody.”

He wasn’t wrong.

“If only you had that in real life,” Abraham laughed. “Maybe you wouldn’t be single.”

The idea had been simple. I’d give them a handful of scenarios to play with the kids.

These one-hour mini-sessions would introduce the next generation to roleplaying games.

I should have known, in true Firefly fashion, things would go awry.

The first clue should have been Abraham showing up wearing a Viking helmet and fur pelt clipped to his neck.

I’m pretty sure he had gone scouring through Twice-Told Tales for the outfit.

“While he’s powdering his nose, I’m gonna attack with my battle axe.” I had hope for Walter. He had taken to the game, and his dwarf became the leader of this ragtag group of retirees.

He rolled the dice, and… well, that wasn’t good. “You charge the lich.” Walter jumped to his feet, hand waving over his head as he mustered a battle cry. “And the lich drains the soul from your body.”

His cry came to a stop. Not missing a beat, he threw his hands to his chest. For a moment, I thought he was having a heart attack.

The dramatics played out as he slid off his bench, falling to the grass.

He convulsed, throwing a hand in the air before it landed on his forehead. “Tell my lady dwarf I love her.”

“Great, you killed him,” Abraham said.

Harvey shot me a disapproving frown. “My sexy bard isn’t looking so bad now, is it?”

I gestured to the dice. This game had gotten weird, but when didn’t it? We’d have to set some boundaries about using seduction techniques while the kids played. For now, I wanted to see if Harvey and the lich were going to live happily ever after.

He rolled the dice. His eyes went wide as he rolled a perfect score. Walter got up off the grass while Harvey’s fist pumped in the air. When we set up camp this morning, I did not think I’d have to describe a bard getting sexy with a dead wizard.

“You seduce the lich.” I chuckled at Harvey’s smile. “Not only do you seduce him. He’s so taken back by your pickup line that he gets down on one knee and proposes.”

“Damn straight, he does!”

The others groaned. It didn’t help Harvey had resorted to making kissing sounds. I hung my head in shame. Was I going to let these men run a game? They had made it through the game without swearing. How bad could it get?

“I think we got the idea,” Abraham said.

Harvey didn’t stop with the kissing. “None of you are invited to the wedding.”

“Speaking of weddings…” Abraham pulled the helmet off his head as he turned to me. No. No way. This conversation was not turning in my direction.

“I sat with your mom at the spaghetti supper last night.” Mom, I swear, if you — “She mentioned your date didn’t go well.”

Yup. True Firefly fashion. I couldn’t have a bad date without the entire town knowing it. Personal boundaries didn’t exist in a small town. I wouldn’t be surprised if, at the next town meeting, “Get Jason a date” showed up on the agenda.

“If I was younger?—”

“Harvey, don’t you dare finish that sentence.” The last thing I needed was the thought of Harvey bringing me flowers. “Mom and I are going to have a talk.”

“I’m just saying,” Harvey continued. “I was into some wild stuff when I was younger.”

“We’ve met your first wife,” Walter jumped in. “We’ve all met your first wife.” The air quotes made it dirty.

I covered my face. “Why do I talk to any of you?”

“My unyielding charisma,” Harvey said, waggling his white, bushy eyebrows.

“Don’t worry.” Abraham put a hand on my shoulder. “You’ll meet the right guy.” As intrusive as the conversation got, it was endearing that this seventy-three-year-old man had faith that I’d meet a special man.

“Sooner than you think,” Walter said. He returned to his seat on the bench, looking at me… no, over my shoulder.

I turned to see Simon. He wore his chef’s jacket and black pants as he walked along the path down the middle of the green. I spun about, facing my players.

“He’s handsome,” Harvey said.

“Are you blushing?” I glared at Abraham.

“We’ve got you covered,” Walter said. “Operation Wingman is underway.”

I shook my head. They meant well, but there was no way this wouldn’t get awkward. I debated running away, but I was pretty sure Abraham would break a hip to tackle me. Deep breath. How bad could this be? I grit my teeth, scared to discover the answer.

“Oh, Jason, you’re hilarious.” Harvey slapped the table.

The men laughed. Horrible. Fake. It was going to be bad.

Simon approached. I didn’t dare look up and let him see how red I had gotten. “Sorry to interrupt your…”

“Monsters and Mayhem,” I said.

“You missed it. I just got proposed to by a dead wizard. You know, ‘cause I’m handsome.” I could feel Abraham kick Harvey. “But not nearly as handsome as our young buck here.”

Dear… God… kill me.

Did Simon pick up on the vibe? Had he figured out that three men were plotting to sacrifice me for the sake of a date? I wanted to whisper, “Run for your life.” He still had a chance. I, on the other hand, was ready to roll up and die.

“You’re the new guy at the Bistro,” Harvey said.

“Oh,” Abraham said. “You own a business? How successful of you.” He bumped my knee under the table. “Jason has a business, too. Maybe you guys could trade notes over a drink?”

Subtle, Abraham.

I wanted to apologize for my ambitious wingmen. This explained why Harvey was on his fourth marriage. Looking up, I gave Simon a sheepish smile. I wondered what he was doing out here at this hour of the morning.

“I wanted to say thanks for showing me around.”

“You could buy him a drink to say thanks.” Walter had come back from his heart attack. “Just an innocent and very casual suggestion.”

“After last night…” Simon shook his head. “No more beer for either of us.”

My entourage all leaned forward, suddenly interested in what Simon meant. There’d be questions. Lots of them. To avoid rumors, I’d have to explain the entire night. Though, how did I mention Simon at a gay bar without the whispers starting?

“My place tonight? I found a babysitter for Lucas. Maybe you can show me around town some more?”

My voice deserted me. Instead, I nodded.

“I assume you already know where I live.”

“75 Pembroke Lane,” Walter said. When Simon’s head cocked to the side, Walter added, “Welcome to Firefly.”

“I should have guessed. I’ll see you later. Say seven?”

“Sounds greasome.” I stifled a growl. “Awesome. Great. I’ll see you then.”

Simon laughed to himself as he gave a slight bow and left us to our game. It was time to endure the firing squad as they picked apart every word of our exchange. I already concocted a story to explain his presence at Spectrum.

“Looks like somebody doesn’t need wingmen,” Abraham said. He fanned himself with his character sheet.

“It’s not like that,” I said. “He’s just being nice.”

Abraham rolled his eyes back. It was Harvey, watching Simon trudging toward the Bistro. “If I was thirty years younger and a man like that asked me to dinner…”

“We got you the date,” Abraham said, picking up the dice. “We can’t go on it for you.”

“Speak for yourself,” Harvey said. “I’ve heard that man can cook.”

Were they right? Had Simon just asked me on a date in front of the guys? No, that didn’t make any sense. He was being polite. It was no different from when Gladys invited me to her house for her legendary Sheppard’s pie.

Or was it?

“What the heck?”

A white van sat in front of the comic shop.

I slowed my stroll along the sidewalk when I spotted the blue stripe and satellite dishes on the top.

The bold red letters cut through the blue stripe.

Maine News. I couldn’t fathom what they found newsworthy in Firefly.

Unless they were hunting down jaywalkers or notorious gossips, we were the least interesting town in Northern Maine.