Page 87 of Beach Bodies

‘If you air the podcast,’ I say softly, ‘all I ask is that you expose the Riovan.’ Then I tilt my head and give him one last look. ‘And you should probably know… I fell for you, too.’

His eyes scan me.

‘Lily,’ he says in a husky voice, and I know that my name on his lips is a goodbye. A lament for what we might have had, in some parallel life.

I lean forward and brush my lips against his– his soft, expressive lips that have tasted every inch of my body.

I should try to convince him not to air the podcast. I should be smart, and look out for myself, and keep playing the game I’ve been playing all along. Do my all to persuade him by whatever means necessary. He’s vulnerable, and if I stand a chance at all of getting through to him, it’s now. Instead, I pull away.

What are you doing, Lily?a voice shouts in my head.This man is a threat! Your future is in the balance. Shut him down now, while you have the chance! Fight for your happily-ever-after with Daniel!

But …

Is that what I really want? Happiness at any cost– even if the cost is the integrity of the man I’m falling for?

In this scenario, we’d be turning a blind eye to what I’ve done.

And, even though Daniel and I have lied to each other and used each other and justified the means with the ends, ultimately it’s not in either of our natures to betray our moral codes. Once we’ve seen the truth, neither Daniel nor I can turn away. If we did, we wouldn’t be…us.

I let out a long breath. Turn in the sand. The voice is screaming,Stop, what are you doing, but I take a step. Then another. I’m walking away. The sand slips through my toes, silky. The night wind tosses my hair backwards.

Serena will be OK.

The Riovan will likely continue on as it always has.

I won’t return.

And Daniel …

I walk faster, wrapping my arms around myself. Tears stream down my face, and I make a small, quiet gasp, because I can hardly believe what I’m doing, what I’m risking.

But I don’t want to control him. I don’t want anyone to compromise themselves for me– to reduce themselves. Jess felt less than. She told me as much. In the toxic story that formed in her mind, she was weak and pathetic– I was strong and beautiful. Above her. And she hated me for it, in the end. If I succeeded in convincing Daniel to betray himself for my sake, if he allowed me to be above his deepest held principles, he would end up despising himself for it. But it wouldn’t end there– eventually, he’d hate me for it, too.

And that, more than anything, would destroy me.

Just moments ago, I said,If you air the podcast. But I should have saidwhen.

Because, knowing Daniel, I know what he’ll choose, don’t I? I’ve known all along.

Fuck.The tears run faster. Am I being noble, or just a self-destructive fool?

But there’s no turning back now, because I’m on the main drag of Brisebleue. The mood has changed. The DJ has stopped the music as the ambulance crawls through. People part, quiet, to watch its blinking progression towards the beach where Daniel waits with Serena. I slip through the crowd. I feel like a ghost.

Do not look back, I coach myself.

I vaguely register people talking as I pass.

‘What happened?’

‘Someone got hurt down at the beach.’

‘I’m calling it. Some drunk idiot went for a late-night swim…’

‘Oh my god, I hope they’re OK, whoever it is…’

It feels like I’m floating instead of walking, like I’m not really connected to the physical world. I came undone onthe beach. I saved the woman I was supposed to kill. And something changed. I’m not yet sure what.

I’ve reached the edge of Brisebleue. The ambulance will be on the beach by now, loading Serena on to the stretcher.