Page 71 of Beach Bodies

… Excuse me?

For a second, my vision really does go fuzzy, like a temporary loss of consciousness.

I can’t have heard that right.

‘Sorry… last year?’ I finally manage.

Her lips make an O, like she’s just realized what she said. She leans across the table, her hand wrapping around my forearm and squeezing, her look suddenly all compassion.

‘I amsosorry to tell you this way. Me and my big mouth! Vic was going to have this convo with you next week, and I totally just blurted it out.’

‘You’re not rehiring me next year?’

‘I’m sorry, but… no?’

‘Why?’ It comes out aggressive, but I’m feeling aggressive. From warm and relaxed, and possibly even ready to slip back into bed with my podcaster enemy and explore whatever new sexual heights we’d be sure to achieve, my chest is lurching in painful, jagged beats. What the fuck is happening? I just saved a life! How dare they– how can they– takeawayall of this!Jessica, I think,Jessica, you have to help me, but she’s the one who needs my help. She’s not at peace.

I’m sorry, Jess.The words gush out of my heart like hot blood.I’m sorry I wasn’t your hero. I’m sorry I let my guard down when it was your turn to need saving… I’m sorry I couldn’t put your pieces back together…

I picture Jessica, perched on a wall like Humpty Dumpty in that old children’s rhyme I’ve always hated. The part where he ‘had a great fall’? The cause of the fall is hidden, the actor never disclosed. Yes, I failed to catch Jessica, and I’ll be sorry for that every single day for the rest of my life. But before that? Someone fucking shoved her.

I can’t be done here, just like that. Serena can’t take this away from me– from Jessica—

‘It’s nothing personal…’ Serena says. ‘It’s a business decision.’

‘Based on what?’ I say, not even caring to hide my anger.

‘Our branding image.’

‘You just wanted to do a TikTok with me two seconds ago!’

‘That’s what makes this so awkward.’ She leans back and sighs. ‘But you have to understand. You’re turning thirty next year, Lily!’

I take a swig of whiskey and then slam my glass down.

‘Yep. Thirty. Just… put me in my grave.’

‘That isnotwhat I meant.’

‘What did you mean?’

Her voice is pitched high in frustration. ‘That most of our lifeguards are college age.’

I pinch the bridge of my nose and squeeze my eyes shut.

‘This is so…’ The booze and the emotion and the benzos are making it hard to think clearly. I lower my head into my hands and take a deep breath, then another. Serena says nothing.

I don’t believe everything happens for a reason. Hell, no. Open your eyes: there’s too much chaotic tragedy in this stupid world. But what I’ve been doing here for the past five years? It’s forcing meaning out of a meaningless tragedy. I’ve made my loss into something. I’ve squeezed a legacy out of the pain that Jessica went through. And now, Serena is going to take that away.

Serena, who just said…

…why not leave one last mark?

I lower my hands to the table and lift my face, slowly.

Serena is still making a concerned expression, even though in reality she doesn’t give a shit.

Yes.I think I will make one last mark.