Page 76 of Beach Bodies

My chest is seizing up, my breathing short. I crash my head into my hands.

I failed. Again. I should have found Skylar, after what Serena told her in the bathroom… should have made sure to take away those powders… or talk to her mom, or Vic… instead, all I could think of was my target list. When I could have done so much more.

Have I done anything at all of value, these past five years? I always had it in my mind that I was saving the victims. What if the people I sought to protect are still ruined?

I haven’t looked them up. Not Jade, whose mother I injected with steroids. Not Carli Elle, whose career apparently took a freefall. I’ve always told myself it’s because I understood where my scope of control ended. I removed the bad guy; the rest had to be up to them. But what if I didn’t really help any of them?

That’s why I haven’t looked.

That’sthe truth.

Not because of some bullshit about scope of control.

Because I’m scared.

Scared that what I’ve done here, the things that can’t be taken back, were all…

…for nothing.

‘Hey.’ A hand rests on my back, its pressure solid. Daniel.

‘I fucked up,’ I gasp out with a shallow laugh. I don’t even care what Daniel thinks. ‘I– fucked– up—’ I can barely fit the words in between my frantic spurts of breath.

‘Hey. Hey. It’s OK, Lily. Just breathe.’

The ambulance bleats out a siren and tyres screech as it peels out of the circle drive. Vic’s voice comes from somewhere above me.

‘Is she OK?’

‘I think she’s having a panic attack,’ says Daniel. His hand doesn’t move from my back.

‘I’m fine—’ I say. ‘I know I have to be at the pool.’

‘She’s in no condition to lifeguard right now,’ says Daniel.

Vic crouches down. I still don’t look at him. He smells like magnolia.

‘Lily? I know it’s been a lot between Herb Tulaine and this little girl.’ His voice is appeasing, but I know I’m losing standing in his eyes. Businesslike Vic has never appreciated meltdowns. For five years now I’ve given him strong, capable Lily. I shouldn’t care that my image is crumbling in his eyes; fuck that. I’m not welcome back next year anyway.

‘You just take it easy, OK?’ Vic is saying. ‘Don’t worry about your shift. We’ll cover for you. You take care of yourself.’

The problem is, I’ve forgotten how to take care of myself.

It’s about taking care of Jessica– trying to rebalance the scales– trying to force something good out of a nightmare and set her free somehow. Trying to save the victims that can still be saved…

But maybe I haven’t done that at all.

Maybe I’ve just pretended to.

Maybe this hasn’t been for them, but for me.

Daniel is helping me stand, wrapping his arm around me. The world is tipping under me, but his grip is steady. ‘C’mon. I got you.’

*

The comforter is a cocoon around me, holding me and my grief wrapped tightly together as I lie curled on Daniel’s bed. Loud, painful sobs peel out of me, as though someone is yanking them out, stripping me down.

I want it to stop, but I’m past the point of no return. If my grief is the predator I’ve been running from all these years, it’s finally caught up.