Page 83 of Badd Daddy

I let out a slow breath to steady myself, and then tugged the blanket over so she could cover herself; she let out a grateful sigh as she pressed the comforter to her chest.

“It picked up heat pretty quick, I guess,” I said, sinking back to sit on the bed next to her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push you into anything you ain’t ready for.”

She slid her palm against mine, tucked her fingers between mine. “I came down dressed in a negligee, Lucas. I came down wanting to…explore things with you.” She hesitated. “I don’t know how to…how to navigate this. My feelings are so complicated, and—” Her eyes watered. “I don’t want you to think I’m rejecting you, that I don’t want to kiss you, that I didn’t enjoy…” she fluttered a hand at me, the bed, “…all that. I did. But I’m just—I’m confused. So confused.”

I hopped off the bed, went to my dresser and got a T-shirt out of the top drawer, which I gave to Liv. She shrugged into it, laughing quietly as the garment hung on her like a dress ten sizes too big—it covered her, though, and she rolled up the sleeves past her elbows.

“Talk to me, Liv.”

She shook her head, swallowing hard. “I don’t know how.”

I cradled her close. “Liv, if you want to just kiss, we just kiss. You want to sit here and talk about nothin’, we sit here and talk about nothin’. You want to try to tell me what’s on your mind, I’ll listen with an open mind. You want me to just take you home, I’ll take you home. This is whatever you need, sweetheart.” This time, it wasn’t just an idle word, thatsweetheart—I meant it, deeply. “I just wanna understand.”

She rubbed her face with both hands, and then rejoined our hands. “I’ll try.”

14

Liv

God,where to start?

I didn’t know what I was feeling myself, much less how to articulate it in a way that Lucas would understand. Why had I stopped? I’d been enjoying his touch, his kisses— quite possibly more than I’d ever enjoyed anything like this…ever.

Ah, and there it is.

That’s the reason behind my full-on anxiety attack. I was masking it, hiding it, but I was in a full anxiety attack at the moment, unable to breathe, trembling, head spinning and racing.

I didn’t know how to calm down. I couldn’t catch my breath.

I exhaled long and hard, and then breathed in for a slow count of four, held it for a slow four count, and then let it out for another slow four count. I repeated this…twice, three times, four, and it was helping, but I still couldn’t quite get a grip on myself.

Lucas slid over to me, wrapped a thick, burly, strong arm around my shoulders, and tucked me against his massive chest. His bare skin was warm and soft, the muscle hard yet pliant. I could hear his heartbeat—whum-WHUMP-whum-WHUMP-whum-WHUMP. His embrace enveloped me; his scent subsumed me—the male woodsy scent that defined him.

“Breathe, Liv. It’s okay.” His rough, rumbling voice hummed through me.

I nodded, and after a few minutes of breathing and focusing on nothing but my breath and Lucas’s calming presence all around me, I was able to begin some kind of a start to the explanation Lucas deserved.

“I was with Darren for thirty years—we met in middle school, started dating when I was sixteen, married when I was twenty-one.” I paused a moment, closed my eyes and continued; Lucas’s heartbeat thumped quietly and reassuringly under my ear. “He was my first—my everything. First hand I ever held, first kiss, first sexual experience—and I was his, too. My entire life, there had only been Darren. Until just now, I’ve never…felt anything with anyone but Darren. Never kissed another man, never held another man’s hand, never snuggled in bed…nothing.” I felt myself getting emotional, but I knew there was no way to get through this without crying, and I didn’t try to hold it back; my eyes misted, my throat closed around a hot lump, but I kept going.

“When he died, I… I can’t begin to explain how devastated I was. I didn’t get out of bed for a week. Cried nearly the entire time, barely ate or drank—I lost fifteen pounds, and had to be hospitalized for dehydration.”

“Jesus, Liv.”

“He was my whole world, my entire life. I’d not really even liked another boy, except for those stupid crushes you get in middle school. He was my first love.”

“And then you lost him.”

I nodded. “I had to learn how to live—and I had to learn things all over again. He paid the bills, got the oil changed, put gas in the cars, did most of the driving, except for when I was working. He even did a lot of the cooking, because he was such a foodie. I had to learn how to do everything all on my own. My girls helped, but I couldn’t lean on them too much, you know? They’d just lost their dad.” I sucked in a breath; held it, let it out slowly. “The point to all this is that I never dated. I couldn’t. I couldn’t bear to…to even think about another man the way I—the way Darren had been for me. Where was I supposed to even start? He knew every single thing about me. Everything. He knew when my cycle was coming before I did, he knew my most obscure dislikes, and he knew my past, because hewasmy past. How I could even begin to let anyone else into my life?”

Lucas was quiet, not breaking the silence that now fell over the room.

But I’d started the flood, and now it all poured out. “I don’t have anything to compare it to, obviously, but I thought my sex life with Darren was…fulfilling. I don’t know if you want to hear about this, especially after you and I just—”

“I want to understand, Liv,” Lucas said. “There’s nothing I don’t want to hear. Sure, hearing about your sex life with your husband may be a little uncomfortable, but I can’t understand you without understanding that.”

“I don’t really want to talk about it too much either, because it’s…I don’t want to say private, or sacred, but…it wasours, Darren’s and mine.”

“I understand completely, Liv. Like I said, I just want to…” he sighed. “I want to know you. I want to understand you.”