Page 44 of Badd Daddy
I smiled, sighed. “To some degree. It helped me focus on what Icoulddo rather than what was done and had already happened. It helped me remind myself that I had to keep going, that I would be okay even if I didn’t always feel like it.”
“Bax is always talking about how I need to formulate a specific goal for myself. I’ve been telling him I just want to be healthy and in better shape, and he’s always telling me that’s not enough. I need a bigger goal, a more specific one to focus on. Sounds similar.”
I nodded. “It is similar. What I’m talking about isn’t so much about goals, though, as it is changing the way you interact with yourself.”
He snorted. “Talk plain, Liv.”
I sipped, and thought. “Okay, here. Plain talk. You’re just reinforcing that you’re a fat walrus by calling yourself that all the time. It’s like negative reinforcement for dogs, or kids. If you tell a kid he’s stupid frequently enough, what will happen?”
Lucas sighed, nodding. “He’ll believe it.”
“Even if it isn’t true.”
“Yeah, I guess that makes sense.”
I rolled my hand. “Follow the logic, then. Adults are no different. We are just as susceptible to negative reinforcement as kids. So, if you refer to yourself as fat, or a useless old bear or whatever else, and you do so frequently, your mindset, then, is going to be one of believing that to be true.”
“Because it is true.”
I held up a finger. “But you’re working to change that, yes?”
He nodded. “Sure.”
“So you’re working to change your body, which is amazing and wonderful. But you also have to work to change your mind. You have to believe you are what you want to become, or that youcanbe that. If you keep telling yourself you are what you have been, that’s all you’ll ever be.”
He clutched his head in both hands. “You sound like a Buddhist or some shit. It’s makin’ my head hurt.”
“This is basic positive reinforcement psychology, Lucas. Not Buddhism.”
“I didn’t even graduate high school, Liv. I barely went to elementary school, for fuck’s sake. I learned how to read, write, and do basic math from my grandpa. Psychology is just a buncha nonsense to me.”
“It’s not nonsense, Lucas, it’s just understanding how the mind works.”
“You make it sound easy.”
“You’re not stupid, Lucas. You are perfectly capable of understanding what I’m talking about. You may not have a lot of formal education, but you have plenty of intelligence and street smarts. Don’t act dumber than you are.”
He growled. “So you’re saying I’m telling myself I’m a fat useless old walrus with a bad leg, and if I keep telling myself that, I’ll never stop believing it’s true.”
“Yes, exactly!”
“And the answer to that is to tell myself…what? That I’m handsome and buff and my leg ain’t fucked up?”
I felt my stomach flip. “You’re already handsome, Lucas. And fitness isn’t about being buff, it’s about being strong and having endurance, eating healthy, and feeling good. It’s about leading a healthy life, and protecting your body, so you can be there for your kids, your family, and yourself. And as you gain physical strength, you gain mental and emotional strength—it’s a cliché but you become the best version of yourself. As for your leg, I don’t know if it will ever stop hurting, because I’m not a physical therapist or a doctor. But I do know you seem to have done a lot of work toward strengthening it since we went hiking, and I also know you don’t have to let it stop you from doing the things you want.”
Silence, then. “Paddleboarding, huh?”
I grinned. “Paddleboarding. You’ll enjoy it.”
“I dunno about that, but I suppose I can try. Worst that can happen is I’ll get wet and cold, right?”
My grin spread until my cheeks hurt. “Exactly!” I waved both hands at him in a shooing motion. “Go get dressed!”
“What should I wear?” he asked, eyeing me. “I ain’t exactly got anything like what you’re wearing.”
I laughed. “I have an outfit for everything, Lucas. Just put on a shirt and shoes.”
He nodded, and came back out wearing an Oklahoma Rodeo shirt which was huge on him, a ragged old Kansas City Chiefs hat, and beat-up old running shoes.