Page 19

CHAPTER 19

Naomi

I can’t believe I’m doing this. For years, I’ve held firm. This was one boundary I said I wouldn’t cross. No matter what.

Does it make me weak that I’ve caved? Am I still the same strong, independent woman after finally cracking under the immense pressure to say yes?

I just don’t know.

But I feel like this moment somehow marks a complete shift … in something.

“Are you sure about this?” Camden asks.

“I’ve never been less sure of anything. Is it that obvious?”

“You look like you’re about to throw up.”

I appreciate Camden’s presence beside me, steady and warm to contrast the pit of swirling emotions in my stomach and the icy cold air outside. Though I do not appreciate the amusement in his voice.

Does he not understand the gravity of this moment? Or the full extent of my panic over this?

“This isn’t funny,” I tell him.

“It isn’t,” he says, but his tone makes it sound almost like a question.

I elbow him in the ribs but then link my arm through his before stuffing my hand back in my coat pocket. It’s freezing out here, with what will hopefully be the last cold snap. Early March should be the start of spring in my book. The oppressive gray clouds promising imminent weather do not agree.

Which only makes me long for the beach, further questioning the wisdom of the decision I just made since it’s the kind of decision you make when you’re putting down roots.

Liam’s delighted laughter rings out, his smile as wide as I’ve ever seen it, and I think, Okay—maybe this won’t be so bad. Maybe I’m not making a mistake. I don’t need to panic or overthink or freak out.

Then the black and white dog Liam’s been playing with, the two of them rolling around in the backyard like they’re both overgrown puppies, sprints directly at me, lip curled up and teeth bared.

I screech and duck behind Camden, who is not even bothering to hide his booming laughter. At least he’s blocking the dog from reaching me. He makes a very good shield.

Bailey, out of breath from sprinting across the yard, tugs at my arm. I peek up from where I have my head buried in Camden’s back.

“It’s okay!” she says. “That’s how Panda smiles.”

“Smiles? You’re telling me that was a smile?!”

“Some dogs smile like that when they’re happy or excited.”

“No. Dogs do not smile.”

“Panda does,” Eli says.

He’s got the decency to hold in his laughter, unlike Camden, who’s still chuckling—while rubbing the black and white dog’s belly. The dog who has its tongue out and looks incredibly happy. Not terrifying like it did moments ago.

I guess Bailey and Eli would know, since they’ve been fostering Panda for a month or so. They would never put Liam in harm’s way, either.

“Mom.” Liam steps up on my other side. “Please just try petting him. He’s so nice.”

“He ran at me like he was going to bite my face off.”

“Yeah, really scary puppy,” Camden says as he finds a ticklish spot on Panda’s belly and the dog starts kicking its back leg. Singular. Did I mention in addition to apparently smiling, Panda only has three legs? “Aren’t you a mean old doggy?” he continues in baby talk. “Do you want to bite Naomi’s face off?”

I pinch Camden’s ribs. “You are the worst.”

When I look at Liam again, he’s got those pleading eyes. The ones I don’t usually have the strength to say no to. The ones he used on me just last week after contacting our landlord to get a copy of the leasing agreement so he could read it. Turns out we can have a dog. Yay.

Despite me being upset that Liam went behind my back to talk to the landlord, which feels not so dissimilar to signing up for hockey without permission, he wore me down about the dog.

Well—it was a concerted effort. Liam, Bailey, Eli, and even Camden got in on this. Because it is a full-blown conspiracy now.

“Come on, Mom,” Liam says. “Just give him a chance. You handled Steve, remember? You can’t be scared of a dog who smiles at you.”

“I still don’t believe that was a smile.”

“His tail was wagging,” Liam says.

“Who’s Steve?” Camden’s voice suddenly sounds sharp, clearly assuming Steve is a person.

Which is way more likely than the actual story.

“Oh, no one important,” I say loftily, and suddenly, Camden twists his head to look at me with a murderous expression.

“Steve is a pelican,” Liam says.

Camden looks relieved. But then, as though remembering my comment playing into his mood, he narrows his eyes at me. It’s a promise of playful retribution, and I cannot wait for him to exact it.

While Liam starts to explain that Steve thought the bed and breakfast on Oakley was his home and kept finding his way inside, I take a breath and crouch down.

I use Camden as a shield, keeping one arm wrapped around his legs as I peek around his knees at Panda. I’ve never met a dog I didn’t like.

But anyone who saw a dog running at them with a curled lip and bared teeth would be hiding behind a giant hockey player, too.

As if reading my hesitation, Panda waits, one blue and one brown eye fixed on my face. I can’t decide if the two different eye colors are beautiful or creepy. The longer we share prolonged eye contact, the more I lean toward beautiful.

I do wonder why, of all the dogs in the shelter where Bailey used to work and all the dogs being fostered who need homes, she brought over this one for Liam.

I tentatively hold out a hand. “Hey, Panda. Are you a nice boy? Or are you just fooling everyone and you really want to eat my face?”

Just as tentatively, Panda leans forward and sniffs my fingers. Why I wait with bated breath, like this dog’s judgment of me matters, I’m not sure. But I do feel like this dog’s approval rating of me somehow matters more than my feelings about him. I’m also very aware that everyone is watching.

If this dog doesn’t like me, does it say something about my character?

Panda pulls back and for a second I feel like I’ve just been voted off the island in Survivor .

Then, as though knowing I’m still slightly freaked out, the dog inches forward on his belly until he rests his soft muzzle in my palm. Then he looks up at me with plaintive eyes that, other than their different colors, look exactly like Liam’s when he’s pleading for something.

Like, for example, a dog.

“Oh, you are good ,” I tell Panda. “But I’m onto you. A master manipulator, that’s what you are.”

Panda blinks at me as though to say, Yeah? But can you say no to me?

As it turns out, I can’t.

Twenty minutes later, I’ve said an official yes, and once the paperwork is submitted, Liam and I are now the owners of a dog with two different colored eyes, only three legs, and a toothy smile that might scare off an intruder.

“How did he lose the leg?” I ask Bailey.

She and I are sitting inside the house now, watching Liam, Eli, and Camden play with Panda as snow begins to fall. They’ve tossed tennis balls, thrown a frisbee, and played tug-of-war with a knotted rope Bailey brought. Panda loves it all, running faster than I’d expect given the lack of a leg.

“He was found by the side of the road after being hit by a car. At least, we assume that’s what happened. The leg was too badly mangled to save,” she says.

“I can’t believe anyone would hit a dog and just drive off,” I say.

“I know. And he wasn’t microchipped or wearing a collar, though he seems to have been loved. He’s well-trained and very smart. Most border collies are, and that’s what he looks like.”

“Doesn’t seem to slow him down much,” I note as Panda manages to outrun Liam and Eli, who are both trying to take the rope from his mouth.

“No, he adapted really well. He’s a pretty special dog. That’s why I thought of him when you asked about a dog for Liam. He’s smart, protective but not aggressive, playful, and very loyal. He’ll be Liam’s new best friend.”

“You can stop trying to talk him up,” I tell her. “I’ve already said yes. There’s no way I could separate those two now.”

Liam pretended to faint, and Panda is now sitting on his chest, licking his face with great enthusiasm. Camden looks up, his eyes meeting mine through the window, his smile huge and his eyes bright.

Just when I think it’s time for those fluttery, new relationship feelings to stop, they ramp up and explode into something totally different.

I’m not experiencing butterflies or some kind of delicate flower of a feeling for Camden. He is two paddles of a defibrillator pressed directly to my chest. I have lost my ability to breathe—and possibly stand up.

“How did Liam take it?” Bailey asks, sipping her hot cocoa. In addition to the dog, she brought a basket with various kinds of hot chocolate and even some fluffy homemade marshmallows purchased from some bakery in town.

Basically, she’s my new best friend. It was precarious with the whole dog thing, but after watching Liam play with Panda for the last half hour, she keeps her status.

“You mean me telling him about Camden and me?”

Bailey smiles and gives me the tiniest of eye rolls, barely registering on the scale. “Yes. Your hard launch, as the kids would say.”

“Gah. Kids these days,” I say lightly. Then, to stall, I take a sip of hot cocoa and lick the whipped cream off my lip.

It’s been a few weeks of letting Camden invade my life. We see each other every chance we get—which is never as often as I’d like. I go to all his home games, upping what Liam calls my hockey literacy. I watched him work with Liam in the final few hockey classes and a few times when Cam got extra ice time for the two of them.

Once—and only once—they convinced me to try skating. I’m pretty sure one of my butt cheeks is permanently bruised from how many times I fell on it.

We’ve been texting late into the night, every night. Sometimes we even talk on the phone, though we’re equally opposed to using the phone as an actual phone . We’ve gone on occasional dates while Liam is hanging out with his new friends and once while Parker and Logan offered to have him over while we went out.

Oh, yeah, and Camden said he loved me.

I’ll admit—it was unexpected.

Especially when he still won’t really talk about his family. I haven’t pushed, because when someone doesn’t mention their mom or dad or siblings, they are actually saying a lot. Am I dying to know? Yes. But I’m forcing myself to wait on his time, his terms.

Despite the clear understanding that Camden and I have been in a relationship, there was never a discussion. No actual words laying out the terms. We were acting on an unspoken commitment.

Which made me kind of feral, just waiting.

And with such a conversation not even appearing as a mirage shimmering on the horizon, I never expected his confessed I love you.

When I recovered from my utter shock, I almost proposed to him right then and there. Vegas wedding, here we come!

But I wisely refrained since jumping from I love you to wedding bells might be a little fast.

I didn’t say anything, actually.

In trying to kiss him, I made his car horn honk, then tried to hide in case Liam looked out the window. It was while ducking down behind the dashboard that I realized how ridiculous I was being.

In short, I pretty much ruined Camden’s proclamation of love. Or, at least, the mood surrounding his declaration.

With the moment ruined, I opted not to tell him I love him too—yet. I need to redeem myself, so I’ve been looking for the right time. He hasn’t said it again, so I feel like he understands.

At least, I hope that’s why.

Eloise—who was absolutely thrilled and full of I knew it s and I told you so s—said I’m being stupid and should tell him as soon as possible so he’s not left hanging. Part of me thinks she’s right, but Camden didn’t seem bothered. I don’t think he was saying it so that I would say it back. And I really want it to be a moment .

“I’ll tell him when the time is right,” I told her.

Not when I’m falling all over Camden’s car and hiding from my kid. And not just because I promise someone I’ll do it. It will be at the perfect time, and I trust myself to know when that is.

I did decide it was the right time to tell Liam. Finally. Which we did this morning before Bailey and Eli arrived with Panda.

My thinking, which I shared with Bailey earlier this week, was that if Liam wasn’t happy about Camden and me dating—kind of unfathomable, but you never know—then Bailey and Eli would arrive with a dog and make it all better.

Does this make Panda a bribery dog?

Technically, no, because in the end, Liam was thrilled to find out Camden and I are dating. Actually, he was more unsurprised than anything.

“Did you think I didn’t know you were together?” he asked, looking at us both with confusion.

“Uh,” Camden said, looking my way.

“How did you know?” I asked, earning a very pre-teen look from my son.

“Mom,” Liam said with a hint of exasperation, “you guys are so obvious.”

So, that was that. No bribe dog needed.

But I don’t regret Panda. He makes Liam too happy, which makes me happy. I’ll just have to get used to the “smile.”

“Liam was totally already onto us,” I tell Bailey now. “So, it was a little anticlimactic for all the worrying I did.”

“Were you really worried? Liam seems to love Camden.”

“He absolutely does. I think after last summer, I just thought he might be scared,” I say.

“Scared that it wouldn’t work out again?”

“Yeah.”

She’s quiet for a moment. Outside, the snow starts coming down harder. Panda zooms all over the yard, trying to eat snowflakes. This apparently is a contagious infection, because now Camden, Liam, and Eli are doing the same. I could charge money for admission to my backyard right now, and it would sell out faster than Taylor Swift’s Eras tour.

“Are you scared that it won’t work out again?”

Bailey is good at sucker-punch questions. This one makes me go very still. Like, if I don’t move, maybe the monster of doubt won’t see me and will just keep on walking by.

But I’m not fooling anyone—myself or Bailey.

“I’m terrified,” I admit.

She reaches over and gives my arm a quick squeeze. “It’s okay to be scared. And you don’t have to, but if you want to talk about it, I’ve been there. I mean, obviously, our situations aren’t exactly the same. But I can speak to what it’s like to be in a relationship with a hockey player. And I was definitely terrified before Eli and I got married. But I just did it scared.” She smiles at her husband, who is shaking his floppy blond hair out the same way Panda is shaking his fur. “Best decision I’ve ever made.”

I grab one of the oversized marshmallows off the table and pop it in my mouth. It’s melty and delicious. I should ask her where she got these and stock up.

I should also stop being a big chicken and talk to her.

Before I can re- or over-think it, I blurt out, “I’m scared of marrying someone with the whole hockey player thing. I’m scared of how fast I’ve fallen. And I’m scared of myself.” I take a breath.

“Of yourself?” Bailey asks.

“I’m not good at committing to things. I get bored and restless.” I swallow, and it takes effort. “I’m so scared I’ll want to run, and it will break both our hearts. Liam’s too.”

Bailey, ever the good listener, tilts her head and thinks for a few seconds. When she smiles, it’s soft.

“I know I don’t know you very well,” she says, “but from what I’ve seen, I don’t think you have reason to be scared about that.”

“No? To be fair, you haven’t seen me cut ties and jump ship.”

She shakes her head. “Maybe you get bored and restless with things , but you, Naomi, strike me as someone who is very good at committing to people .”

It’s a big statement, one that hits me right in the feels. I need to process. I might be processing it for a while.

“What about the other stuff?”

Her smile takes on a mischievous edge. “You’re talking to someone who married a hockey player within a few weeks. And I couldn’t be happier. So … I’m not going talk you out of a hockey player or moving fast.”

I laugh. “Touché.”

The guys come in then, and I’m glad this house has a laundry room at the back to collect the wet boots and coats.

I’m also glad it takes them a moment to take off their wet things and dry Panda with a towel because I need to blink back my unexpected tears.

Because Bailey is right. I am good at committing to people. I decided to commit to Liam when he was still the size of a grape or whatever fruit the app compared him to the week I found out I was pregnant. I’m committed to my whole family back in Oakley. Not just Dad and Jake, but the whole extended not-blood-related family I’ve found with Eloise, her sisters, and their significant others.

I might have left them in the geographical sense, but my heart is very much still with the people I love back home.

After Bailey’s assessment, I’m seeing my fear as it really is—not huge, as it seemed to me, but a tiny little thing that simply casts a big shadow. With the bright light cast by her true words, the looming shadow is gone.

The fear is real and it’s still there, but I see it in its true proportion now. I remember Bailey’s earlier words about marrying Eli.

I can do this, too , I think. I can just do it scared.

“What’d we miss?” Eli says, coming into the room with a wide grin and eyes only for Bailey.

“Nothing,” she says, giving me a wink.

But it feels like our little conversation and this whole morning of telling Liam about us and getting a long-term commitment kind of pet was a very, very big something .