Page 148 of As Above, So Below

“I think you need rest, Ves,” he says, closing the book in his lap with the flick of a wrist. “You’re not yourself.”

“Kassil…” again more sobbing.

He lifts a brow. “I thought you ended things with Kassil.” He smirks. “Couldn’t let him go then?”

I shake my head, gasping to feed my lungs the air they desperately need.

“He’s dead. We’ve killed him.” My voice cracks. “I killed him.”

Vaelyn recoils in his seat, his face pinching with utter confusion and disbelief.

“What are you talking about? Kassil is out hunting Zuriel with Arzak. Cleaning up your mistakes, remember?” He stares at me, unmoving.

I don’t know why I’m bothering to tell Vaelyn about Kassil.

This is clearly a moment from my past, with an imaginedversion of Vaelyn. But I can’t stop myself. Even if this version of Vaelyn is a figment of my imagination, I want my brother to know what I’ve done. What I’ve been forced to do.

I helped kill the demon I’d given my heart to once long ago.

Centuries of shift and change between us from friends, to lovers, to enemies…

One of the pillars tying me to the hells, finally destroyed.

So why do I feel like I’ve killed a part of myself?

Swallowing through the tightness in my throat, I wipe the tears from my face with the heels of my palms. Drawing in a deep breath, I release it slowly, attempting to calm the confusing, complicated, and unexpected emotions rolling within me.

“Vestaris.”

My spine straightens at the sound of Netharis’ voice, and my eyes fixate on the burning books in the fireplace. I know exactly where he is without having to look over my shoulder.

I know because I’ll never forget this night.

Shifting my face, my eyes meet with the dark red, disappointed stare of my father as he stands near the end of the long table in the center of the room. Pulling myself to a stand, my eyes travel to the empty space to his left.

The space where Kassil should be standing.

He should be standing beside Netharis, staring at me with triumph in his eyes.

But he’s dead now. Ryc and Eve sent him to the void.

I open my mouth to speak, but only breathy noise comes forth.

“You’ve failed me yet again,” Netharis speaks and my body instinctively responds, despite my knowing this is a past event. “And the failure has cost me Kassil.”

As Netharis goes through his tirade, panic continues to build in my chest. But my physical response to the fear, to the trauma, doesn’t recognize this as the past.

It feels too real, only this time, there’s a heart thundering in my chest.

My body believes what I’m experiencing and fires all the warning signals. Collapsing to my knees, I clutch at my heart, threatening to burst.

I’m ready for this to be over.

Please don’t make me relive being locked away.

Please don’t shatter me again.

I don’t know who will emerge.