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I t hit her hard. There was something pounding on her chest. No, it was in her chest. It was her heart. Something was making Asher’s heart pound wildly while the room around her had gone silent. She knew Sophie was saying something to her because her mouth was moving, but Asher couldn’t hear anything. She turned her head back to the dance floor, feeling her bile rise from somewhere deep inside. Jill’s lips were still attached to Linden’s. Not only that, but Linden’s hands were under Jill’s shirt. Asher looked down then. She couldn’t handle it anymore. It was too much. She nearly fell over, but a hand reached out for her.

“Hey, are you okay?” Sophie asked.

All the noise in the crowded bar came back at her all at once, making her nearly topple over again at the assault. She wasn’t sure what was happening to her. She’d heard people describe panic attacks, and this felt like it could build into one, but it wasn’t one, right? Why would she be having a panic attack at the sight of Linden making out with Jill on the dance floor?

“Ash?” Sophie continued. “Do you need some water or something?”

Asher looked at Sophie and shook her head. She didn’t need water. She needed to have a do-over. She needed to walk into the bar five minutes after she had or not at all. Instead, she leaned over the table, white-knuckling it as she gripped the edge because she’d just watched Linden and Jill full-on make out on a dance floor. Something in her had changed then. She’d seen Linden kiss a few random women, but she’d mostly just looked away, or Linden would take them home, and Asher wouldn’t have to see anything at all. That was her preference, and she’d never understood it until right this minute.

Linden was her best friend, and Asher wanted her to be happy. If that meant Linden wanted to meet women right now, Asher had been supportive, despite feeling like she herself was ready to settle down and no longer accompany her on nights like this one. Linden needed this, though, so Asher had been there to offer support. But now, it was different. Now, she knew.

“Asher?”

“Sorry,” she finally said to Sophie. “I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” she said with a short nod.

“Did Linden and Jill just kiss?” Sophie asked.

Asher didn’t say anything because when she turned back to the dance floor, Linden Washington was staring at her in confusion. Jill started making her way over to the table to join them, and she had Linden following close behind her.

“Did you two just kiss?” Sophie asked them.

“Yeah. So?” Jill said before she took a drink of a beer on the table.

“Uh… That one’s mine,” Linden told her.

“You just had your tongue down my throat. I think we can swap beers,” Jill replied.

“Hey,” Linden said as she walked over to Asher’s side, apparently ignoring Jill’s comment.

“Hi,” Asher replied.

“You two just kissed,” Sophie said again.

“It happens,” Jill told her, shrugging a shoulder. “We were dancing. It got a little heated. Right, Linden?”

“Sure,” Linden replied, not looking away from Asher. “Ash?”

“What?” she asked as she stared down at the table.

“What’s wrong?” Linden asked.

“Nothing. I just got here.”

“You look pale, like you’ve seen a ghost or something.”

“No ghosts here,” Jill noted. “I’d know: I do the ghost tour,” she added of her job as a New Orleans tour guide.

“She kind of got pale a minute ago,” Sophie explained. “I asked if she wanted some water.”

Linden’s hand was on her back then, and she started rubbing it over Asher’s dress, which was a pale blue and more appropriate for a society wedding than a bar in the French Quarter, but she hadn’t had time to go home and change.

“Ash?” Linden asked. “Are you sick?”

“No, I’m fine,” she replied, still feeling like she might throw up.

“I’ll get you that water, okay?” Linden said. “Did you not eat today?” She turned to Sophie and Jill, adding, “When you run weddings, you forget to eat a lot of the time.” Then, she turned back to Asher and offered, “We can grab some Po-Boys, if you want.”

“No, I ate,” she lied. “I don’t need water. Maybe just a real drink.”

“I don’t know, Ash… You feel warm to me,” Linden said as her hand moved from Asher’s back up to her neck. She cupped the back of it. “And you’re kind of clammy. Let me take you home, okay?”

“I’m fine. And you wanted to come out. I’m here, Linden.”

“Asher, you’re more important to me than getting laid tonight,” Linden said with a kind smile. “Do you want me to call Gavin?”

“No,” she replied. “He’s probably asleep, anyway.”

“Okay. Well, I’ll take you home and make sure you’re all right.”

“Linden, I’m fine. I don’t need you to take me home. Actually, I think I’ll go get myself a drink.”

Quickly and necessarily, Asher removed herself from Linden’s side and headed toward the bar, where she joined the line.

“Hey, what’s going on with you?” Linden asked when she appeared at Asher’s side, apparently not taking the hint.

“Nothing.”

“Hi. Name’s Linden, and I’ve been your best friend for a million years. Want to try that one again?”

“Linden, come on… I’m tired. I came out because you wanted me to.”

“I didn’t force you to. I texted you that Jill and Sophie would be here if you didn’t want to come with me,” Linden replied.

“Jill, huh?” she asked.

“Yeah. And Sophie.”

Asher nodded and said, “I think I’ll just go home and get some sleep. The heat probably got to me today. The ceremony was outside, and it was ninety-seven degrees, so you know what that means.”

“Felt like a hundred and ten?”

“Yeah. So, I probably don’t need this drink, after all. Have fun with Sophie and Jill, okay?”

“Ash, I’ll walk you home. You’re not feeling well. Come on,” Linden said, offering her hand to Asher.

“Really, I’m okay. Now that I think about it, Gavin said he’d be going out with some friends tonight to watch the game, so I bet he’s at the pub. I’ll text him. The game’s over by now.”

She pulled out her phone and pretended to text her boyfriend to come get her from the bar. As she put it back in her purse, she looked back up at Linden, who clearly wasn’t buying it.

“I’ll wait outside with you, then. We can walk to the corner of–”

“He’s on his way. I’m fine. But thanks. Just… Go have fun with Jill.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Linden asked as she was pushed a little by someone in the crowd trying to get to the bar.

“Nothing. Just that I didn’t know you two were doing that.”

“Doing what ? Kissing?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s the first time we’ve done that.”

“She’s a friend, Linden. She’s a new friend.”

“I know that,” Linden said, getting pushed again. “Can we get out of this line, please? I won’t have a shoulder if I get shoved again.”

“I’m going to meet Gavin,” Asher stated before she turned and walked toward the door.

“Hey, what is going on with you?” Linden asked, following her out.

“I’m tired, Linden,” she said, sighing loudly for effect. “I should’ve said no when you asked me to come out, and I didn’t, so that’s my fault, but it just hit me how exhausted I am. I think I’d like to just have Gavin take me home so that I can get some sleep.”

“Yeah, okay,” Linden replied, looking like she believed her now. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Sure,” she said and hurried out of the bar.

Once outside, she turned right on the crammed sidewalk. She didn’t turn around to see if Linden was watching her go. Asher didn’t live far from the Quarter, which came in handy. It was either a long walk or a short drive, and normally, she would’ve just walked, but she was still wearing her heels, and the crowds made it difficult to actually enjoy a late-night walk. On top of that, she was a woman walking alone, and doing that by herself this late wasn’t advisable. She ordered a car, walked to where it picked her up, and within a few minutes, she was at her apartment building, closing the car door behind her.

Looking up at the two-story building, she was grateful that she’d found the place three years ago. After the most recent big hurricane had torn off the roof, the owners had redone a few apartments altogether, and she had come along right when one of them had become available. It was a two-bedroom unit, with one bedroom and bathroom downstairs and the other bedroom and bath upstairs, along with a small loft space that she used mainly as an office and extra storage.

When she unlocked her door, instead of following her usual procedure of placing her purse on the table by the door, hanging her keys on the hook, and removing her shoes, she tossed her purse onto the floor after removing her phone, dropped her keys on the table after locking the door, and kicked off her shoes that had cost more than two-hundred dollars when she’d gotten them on sale last season. Then, she unzipped the side zipper and let the dress that had cost even more than that fall to the floor before she moved to the sofa, wearing only her strapless cream-colored bra and bikinis, and flopped back on it.

Staring up at her ceiling, she tried and failed to get the image out of her mind. Linden wasn’t just kissing Jill; she was making out with her. Hands were moving under clothing and over skin. Asher felt that the bile was back, or it hadn’t ever really left. She wasn’t sure, but she knew it was there now.

This wasn’t fair. It couldn’t be happening… She knew enough to know that it wasn’t Jill whom she was thinking about. Jill was twenty-five, or maybe twenty-six now, and was a pretty girl, but she wasn’t someone Asher had ever thought of like this; how she was thinking about Linden right now. When she pictured it again, Linden’s lips on Jill’s, she sat up, thinking about running to the bathroom to force herself to vomit up whatever was boiling inside her, but she knew it couldn’t be real. Asher was straight. She was a heterosexual woman who had, up until a few months ago, been totally confident in that fact. Then, Linden had come out to her, and Asher had started to wonder if she needed to do some soul-searching herself.

When Linden had told her about her self-discovery and the steps that she’d been taking to become her full, complete self where she could be happy and accept herself, Asher had started to wonder. She’d watched Linden scroll through that app, and she’d thought that many of the women there were attractive, and not just in the way that a woman could tell when another woman was attractive – Asher could actually see something happening. She’d started picturing women in her sexual fantasies. Sometimes, she’d picture men, too, but sadly, never Gavin. Even when he was on top of her, Asher was thinking of someone else. While it was never Linden, it was some faceless man or woman who managed to make sex fun and exciting and not six minutes long with no foreplay.

They’d been together, her and Gavin, for three months now, two of them exclusively after one month of dating, and they had waited to have sex until they were exclusive. It had been her idea because Asher didn’t sleep with anyone unless they were exclusive. It had always been okay , never the best sex of her life, and now, as she sat on her sofa, staring at the white walls of her apartment, she was beginning to understand why.

Asher closed her eyes. She needed to check for herself. She pictured herself on the dance floor with Linden. Linden’s arms were around her, and her back was against Linden’s front, how Jill’s had been. Then, she pictured herself turning and Linden kissing her. That got her to open her eyes for a second because it felt wrong. It felt strange and wrong to be picturing her best friend kissing her, but Asher closed them again and let herself envision it. Linden’s hands were on her stomach, rising higher before they were cupping her breasts over her bra. Then, they dipped inside the fabric to cover her bare skin for only a moment before they pulled her breasts out of the cups to massage them and play with her nipples.

Asher opened her eyes again and looked down. Her own hands had done what she’d just pictured. She allowed herself to lie back down and continued picturing it. Linden was kissing her again. Linden ran a hand up Asher’s thigh under her dress and moved it until it was cupping Asher’s sex. Asher let her own hand slip into her bikinis and played out the rest of the fantasy.

“Fuck,” she whispered, finding herself soaking wet.

She let her fingers play as she pictured Linden moving her fingers inside her bikinis right there on that dance floor, and she stroked herself as Linden did the same in her fantasy until she was coming on her couch at her own touch and opening her eyes, staring at the ceiling again as she tried to calm her breathing.

“I can’t,” she said to herself. “I can’t.”

When Asher heard the phone ping from the table, with the hand not in her underwear, she reached for it.

Linden Washington : Hey. Can you let me know you got home okay, please?

Having checked the readout, Asher closed her eyes and sighed before she stood up and walked into the kitchen, where she washed her hand. Then, she kicked off her ruined panties and the bra that had gathered below her breasts and arrived back in her living room naked. There, she picked the phone back up and typed a message that she’d gotten home okay.

Linden Washington : What’s our code word?

Asher laughed softly. Years ago, they had come up with a safe word in case one of them had gotten into a dangerous situation. The city was as safe as any other, but it didn’t hurt for friends to have a system just in case someone bad got a hold of their phone and pretended to be them texting that everything was okay. Even though she’d just gotten herself off to the thought of Linden touching her on a very public dance floor, Asher sent back their word.

Linden Washington : And you’re really okay? Feeling okay, I mean?

Asher told her that she was and walked upstairs to her bedroom. She dropped her lingerie into the laundry hamper, turned on the shower, and got inside.

“I have to break up with Gavin,” she said to herself as the hot water coated her skin.