Page 28 of Anything (Mayberry University #1)

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Like so many mornings, my nightmare has me stuck in a loop.

I can’t figure out how I let it happen. I sink again into the fogland of memories. I could get out of this one—I’m not yanked down like from a trigger—but I succumb, trying to make sense of it for the millionth time.

Cafeteria, high five, dates, pulling away, talking to Mom, promposal, dress.

I knew. But I didn’t know. I saw. But I didn’t see.

Why?

The nightmares aren’t improving. The questions that nag at me aren’t answered. My mind is no less disturbed than months ago. I’m losing hope I’ll ever get better. Maybe I’ll find time for a nap this afternoon and the world will feel like a better place.

Probably not.

What am I supposed to do?

God brings to mind an old song by John Mark McMillan.

“So Heaven meets Earth like a sloppy wet kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way he loves us.

Oh, how he loves us.” Tears fill behind my closed eyelids as I whisper-sing it to him.

Okay. I don’t get it, but you have a plan.

After classes I find a beautiful boxed cupcake on my desk. It must have been hiding in Levi’s suitcase. Arms dangling, I plop onto the chair and blink at it. Levi is still sending presents in pursuit of an implausible relationship. I rip open the envelope underneath.

Friend,

You were missed.

—Levi

Friend-appropriate yet affectionate. I shake my head, warmly and wearily. He is impossible. Impossibly stubborn, impossibly sweet.

What do I do?

I rub my burning eyes. After I get my work done, I can take a nap. I crawl onto my bed to get started. Legs splayed wide, I lean on either one as I study. Soon I’ll have my splits back.

Ayumi walks in. “Hey, Kit? I feel like I’m supposed to tell you something.”

I straighten. “Okay, shoot.”

“It’s not our job to figure it all out. That’s not how the world works. Our job is to lean into God’s presence, to love him and obey him. That’s it.”

Is this the answer to my question?

Distinguishing the difference between caution and paranoia has always been tricky for me.

Like when I check class reviews and end up cross-referencing every available course.

Or when I set strong passwords and then create codes so complicated that I can’t even remember them.

Or when I try to learn from my dating mistakes and opt for swearing off boys forever …

I trace the edge of my book. Ayumi’s right. It’s not my job to figure it all out, and that’s a profound relief.

Lean in and obey. So, more listening to him. More waiting for God’s ideas instead of jumping in with my own ways to protect myself. More trusting him on the strategizing front.

“I’ll think on that,” I say to Ayumi. “Thank you.”

Help me wait for your plan. Help me listen. I can’t do this on my own.