Page 29 of Anyone But You

“I’m joking. It’s not a joking matter, but a little dark humor never hurt anybody. Um…we should send him out to sea with a little homegoing ceremony. We’ll have one of those luxury Banquet meals you love so much at the repast. I call dibs on the bourbon.”

“Now, wait one damn minute,” I said, climbing to my feet. “You don’t even enjoy bourbon—I should have it.”

“Who says I don’t enjoy it?” she asked, wiping a tear away from the inside corner of her eye with her shirt.

“You make this godawful face every time you drink it.”

“So now I’m ugly?” she questioned with a raised brow. In a matter of seconds, all sorrow had dripped out of her tone and was replaced with the venom I lived for.

“Yes,” I said, blocking my abdomen with my arms. She smirked.

“Pussy.” I lowered my arms and flinched when she made a sudden move. “Two for flinching,” she said, punching me in my arm twice.

“You shouldn’t beat on the elderly.”

I chuckled when Victoria rolled her eyes. “I love how you’re elderly when it’s convenient for you. But let me call you elderly, and you’re sliding down the walls.”

“It’s no different than when you play your Black Card.”

She opened her mouth to protest and stopped herself. “You know what? Fair.”

“Do you remember that one evening I was craving fried chicken? I asked if you wanted some for dinner, and you went off on me.”

“I said fair. You don’t have to take a stroll down memory lane.”

“No, I have to get this off my chest. You need to know how devastated I was. We had to order pizza instead. That nextevening, I binged on an 8-piece family meal while watchingMy 600-Pound Life.”

“Yeah, that tracks. I do the same thing when I know I’m about to throw down and don’t want to feel guilty. I tell myself, ‘Well, at least I can wipe my own ass.’ I get pretty emotional when they meet their goals, though. I be rooting for them.”

“Likewise. But enough about that—we need to take care of Josh properly.”

“I don’t want to bethatperson, but you and Josh are about the same height, and you only have the clothes on your back. You might want to consider taking his clothes.”

“I can’t do that,” I said uneasily.

“Bet,” she replied. She crouched down and began to undress him.

“What are you doing?”

“If you don’t want the clothes, then I’ll take them.” Seconds later, Josh was left in only his boxers.

“Why stop now? You might as well take the boxers, too,” I remarked.

“Man, if you’re gay, just say that.”

“I can assure you, I’m not.”

“I didn’t ask for your reassurance. We should get some flowers. You should be good at doing that since you’re—”

“Let’s remain focused, Ms. Caldwell.”

Victoria snapped her head back and glared at me skeptically. “Okay, Mr. Ramsey,” she replied, exaggerating the syllables.

“Let’s take care of the young man and give him a proper sendoff. Grab his arms, and I’ll grab his legs.”

* * *

“Dearly beloved—”