Page 39 of An Unwanted Widow for the Duke (The Unwanted Sisters #3)

Chapter Thirty

“ P apa, will you be joining us for supper tonight?” Hector asked. There was a tinge of hope in his voice, but there was caution, too.

Wilhelmina could understand why the boy was a little hesitant. Gerard had been in a strange mood of late. He was barely home.

Gerard bristled. His gloves and hat were in his hands. He had just arrived from an important meeting he had never told her about. His demeanor was cold, like the chill of dusk.

“I had business to attend to and letters to write,” he snapped. Then, he started, as if he didn’t mean to respond like that.

His face softened, and his eyes grew wary. The boy took it as a sign that he could further plead his case.

“B-But you were out for—” Hector protested, his shoulders sagging.

“Not tonight, Hector,” Gerard interrupted. “Perhaps another night.”

The last three words were uttered softly, as if to cushion the impact of his rejection.

He walked away quickly, not even acknowledging Wilhelmina’s presence.

To be fair, she was standing in the corner, barely moving. She had not seen much of him the past few days, but she was the one who felt like a ghost. Even as he went up the stairs, she stood there, several feet behind Hector.

She said nothing. She should have told Gerard to take Hector’s feelings into consideration, but something stopped her. It was almost as if she knew she was the cause of his black mood.

But how?

What had she done wrong?

The days that followed were more of the same.

Gerard did try to leave polite notes with his butler or footmen about where he would go.

He’d been to clubs, offices of his business associates, the stables, and many other places.

One thing was clear—he did not want to be at home, and it was worse than ever.

Wilhelmina made it a point to spend every minute she could with Hector. Perhaps it was Gerard’s way of reminding her that they had an agreement. He would protect her with his name while she kept his son company.

In the small dining room, Wilhelmina and Hector tried their best to make jovial conversation. However, it always veered back to Gerard’s absence.

“Does Papa not like me anymore?” Hector asked, pushing his peas around his plate. “Did he get bored with my stories?”

“His absence has nothing to do with you,” Wilhelmina assured, knowing that at least this part was true.

“He has important matters on his mind. Fathers have to make sure that the estates are well-tended. Your father has a large estate, one that you will inherit when you are grown. Of course, he would want to ensure that you will have a good inheritance one day, Hector.”

Hector did not look the least bit convinced. His eyes were suspiciously red and watery, and his brow was furrowed in contemplation.

Wilhelmina tried her best to keep a kind smile for her stepson. It was getting harder as the days went by. Her unease grew, seeing her husband’s continued absence.

Gerard had chosen to shut her out after defending her in front of her fiercest enemy, Lady Farnmont. It didn’t make sense, and perhaps she was being a coward for not asking him about it.

One evening, Wilhelmina decided she could not take it anymore. She wanted to talk to him, even if it meant risking his wrath. Gerard had defended her and protected her. It was her duty to do the same for him if he was hiding his pain.

The study felt unfamiliar now. She had stayed away as much as she could, but it was the closest she could be to him inside the house. Gerard looked engrossed in the ledgers on his desk. Only the meager light of the tiny lamps and dying embers of the hearth illuminated him.

He looked like a man carrying the world on his shoulders.

“We need to speak,” Wilhelmina said softly, closing the door behind her.

His head rose, but the eyes that watched her were barely alive. They were haunted and exhausted. He should have been asleep at this hour, or perhaps she could persuade him to sleep after they had a real conversation.

“Now?” he asked.His tone was not sharp. Instead, it was resigned.

She didn’t know which one was worse.

“Yes, right now,” she insisted. “You have been avoiding me—that much I can tell. Please don’t insult my intelligence by denying it.

And while doing so, you also ended up avoiding your son and your home.

You can’t possibly think you can disappear into your ledgers and numerous activities and not return with an explanation. ”

Gerard sighed heavily. He set his quill down on the desk, doing so fastidiously as if he would rather do anything other than talk about what was happening to him. To them.

“There is nothing to explain, Duchess,” he said wearily.

He had been calling her by her nickname, a familiarity that made her feel safe with him. Warm. Being called by her title set them back several steps.

But then again, didn’t she try to avoid calling him by his name at every turn? Didn’t she still call him by his title, even when nobody else was listening?

It went both ways.

It was only fair.

“Judging by your sigh, you have everything to explain,” she retorted, striding toward him. “Please do not evade me, Gerard. If I’ve wronged you, you must tell me. You must say something.”

Gerard seemed startled that she chose this time to call him by his Christian name, but his eyes quickly left hers to investigate the ledgers. His jaw flexed, seeming entranced by the figures.

“You told me that you still love him. That he was a kindred spirit, the one who saved you,” he said in a low voice.

His hands curled into fists over his ledgers, and his shoulders stiffened. Wilhelmina had never seen him like this before. He was trying to control his anger, but his words were a surprise.

“W-What?” she stammered.

“I’m talking about Robert,” he uttered. His eyes landed on her, hard and questioning. “You still love him.”

The memories from that afternoon come rushing back. Wilhelmina could still remember Lady Farnmont’s accusations. She could even hear her voice. Her grief over Robert had also spilled out before she could stop it.

“You don’t have to explain,” Gerard continued.

He rose from his seat, his tall figure making her breath hitch.

“I-I just thought that we were building toward something new. That what we have will not remain a marriage of convenience. But now, I see. No, it’s not your fault.

You were honest with me. I was the one who went beyond what we talked about.

Now I understand that I am merely the man who came after.

After the one you loved, or still love.”

“G-Gerard, that’s not…” she trailed off.

She could not speak, not without feeling like something sharp was lodged in her chest.

Gerard advanced toward her, but she felt no fear. His face did not show anger. Instead, it showed a mix of hurt and pride.

“There is no need to deny it, Duchess. And you—you shouldn’t deny the truth.

It’s not your fault that you still love him.

We can’t help what we feel, can we? He was your friend and husband, gentle and young as you remember him.

You chose him. Meanwhile, I am merely necessary.

Then again, I also need you to help me with Hector.

You needed a substitute, a name, and a roof over your head. ”

Wilhelmina could hear her pulse in her ears. She dug her nails into her palms to ground herself.“Y-You don’t understand.”

“Did I misunderstand?” Gerard asked with a humorless laugh. “Are you now trying to soothe my ego after you declared your undying love for a dead man in front of another woman who loves him? Yes, I understood the exchange for what it was.”

It was her turn to step closer to him.

Despite everything, she was not afraid of him. She was more afraid of where his thoughts were going.

“Listen, Gerard. Please? Robert was a dear companion who gave me everything I wanted back then—friendship, freedom, and respect. You’ll have to admit that many men take that for granted. And love? Yes, I did love him, and I still do in my own way. But it’s different.”

Gerard froze, his throat working. She knew that he didn’t know what to make of her declaration. As for her, she wasn’t certain either. Nobody had ever really made her pause to consider her feelings. But now, she was willing to talk about them, if it would make her husband listen.

“I still mourn him. But that’s what we do, don’t we? We mourn dead fathers, mothers, siblings, spouses, and more. And he deserves to be mourned. He was kind, adrift. We understood each other’s loneliness. That was why I said we were kindred spirits.”

She paused, scrambling for the words that could properly describe what she was feeling.

Confusion roiled inside her. She loved Robert and wanted to remain loyal to her promises to him, and yet she could see what Gerard was trying to hold onto—the hope that they could form something beyond a convenient arrangement.

The clock ticked on the mantelpiece, impatient and urgent. Gerard was breathing shallowly, his chest rising and falling. Still, doubt twisted Wilhelmina’s tongue.

“I thought that you’d know me by now. No, I’m sorry.

That’s unfair. I’ve kept secrets from you,” she rambled.

“You see, I do love Robert, and I’m not apologizing for it.

I was protective of him, as he was of me.

Yet, we were not in love. H-He was not attracted to women.

We married because of our friendship. But most of all, it was a shield. ”