Page 7 of An Intimate Excerpt from the Diary of Our Lady

"Growth."

"Growth?" I echoed. I hadn't any idea what that might entail, but I hoped he'd tell me. As afraid of what was coming as I knew I should be, he'd already convinced me. The firmness of him underneath me, the gentle way he'd fed me, all of it had added up to make me more pliant than I would have liked. I wanted this punishment; I needed to pay for my wrongs, and so, perhaps, I wanted to be vulnerable to him.

"Yes, growth. You didn't mean harm when you created the world, and yet you did harm. I understand your impulse to remove yourself from the situation, but I think instead you must endeavor to make it right. The way I see it, there are several steps that will require. First, you don't seem to think much of yourself anymore."

I scoffed at him. "Could you blame me? I don't see how I could have possibly harmed people more than creating them to live and die at my whims, then making them inherently evil and removing their choice in the matter."

"Exactly." He reached over and tucked a long strand of my brown hair behind my ear. "I understand your dislike of yourself, but you must learn to see how the situation you were put in made you who you are. You had too much power, without any idea of how youshoulduse it, though youcouldwield it with a thought.

"Further, I think you should learn to experience things as mortals do." He paused, inhaling deeply. "I believe it was those experiences where I felt most mortal, most vulnerable, that taught me my most valuable lessons about ruling my own people."

"And how, pray tell, am I to do that? What did you experience that helped?"

"I fell in love."

I gasped, unable to contain my surprise, and I was certain my face was written with it. "Love? But who could we fall in love with? A mortal?" The very idea seemed preposterous. They lived such short lives, and as much as I loved them, I knew I loved them in the way that a mother loves her children. The very idea of loving one of my people was ridiculous. "How can you fall in love with someone who isn't your equal?"

"You can't." His eyes bored into mine and somehow, in that moment, I knew. He hadn't fallen in love with one of his subjects, an orc or an elf. No, he'd fallen in love with another deity. The question remained if it was someone from our own planet or elsewhere.

I'd positioned Timonde far from any of the other worlds, fleeing their influenceas I'd seen what the other gods had become. I didn't want that for my world or myself.

"Who?" It mattered to me more than I liked. But he'd been mine, after all, for so long. My enemy, yes, but I'd decidedly been the most important person in his life, just as he had been in mine. To find out that there might have been someone who surpassed my importance to him was a felling blow.

He waved his hand. "It's of little consequence. My love was not returned, but it taught me what exquisite torture loving someone could be. It opened me up to the multitude of pleasures and pains one could know. My plan, such as it was, is to give you a mortal experience. You'll require everything they do: food, water, sleep, as here you truly inhabit a human body. You retain your immortality, but only if you properly care for yourself. Part of my job is to see that you do."

"Just because I haven't been mortal doesn't mean I don't know how to take care of a human body." I rolled my eyes and moved to stand.

"Ah, but you failed to do so, and so I must assume the task. Now, I fear some of my methods may be quite different from what you were expecting. So, I have an agreement. As I swore that I truly have your best interests inheart, you must trust that I'll do everything in my power to ensure the best outcome for all of us. I ask that you remain open to my methods."

His voice lingered on the word method, caressing it with his tongue, drawing my attention to his lips and the sharp teeth they hid. This Orcus was no formless phantasm haunting my nightmares, but an imposing figure that would surely dominate my days.

"I—I can do that." I whispered.

"If you disagree with anything I do, and in certain cases, if what we do makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, it's important that you tell me."

I nodded, somehow relieved that he hadn't made me agree to never be uncomfortable. I didn't see how I was meant to learn without being uncomfortable.

"Now that we've gotten some food into you, your first assignment should be simple. Unless I'm mistaken, you, princess, only have a title. You are more than a goddess, you are less than a figurehead. You need a name."

Chapter seven

IN WHICH A NAME IS CHOSEN

Aftershowingmethebookshelves and explaining how they were all arranged, Orcus left me to contemplate my name. After being identified by my titles for so long, I could see the need for a name, but hadn't any idea of where to begin. In my mind, I had modeled my looks on an Empress I'd admired on Earth. She'd had gorgeous long hair, and a terribly sad life. In the face of it all, she'd defied her mother-in-law, society's expectations and even her husband. Sisi had been an inspiration to me, but I already knew how different we were. I was not strong in the same way; I was soft and only imagined myself a hero. For hours, I flipped through the books of the library and set a few aside that I wanted to read. I was especially interested in those that had beenwritten after I'd left Earth. I was curious to know how it had changed in my absence. When I'd observed it, their planet had seemed on the cusp of a great deal of change, some of which had already begun while I was there, but even the summaries of the books I'd picked up led me to believe that a great many changes had happened in an extremely short period of time.

I also found a book of baby names among them, and I shortly had a list of contenders. The meaning of the name mattered to me, and I focused on those that had meanings that resonated with me. I explored names that meant dawn or rebirth, dreams and the moon and rolled a good many around my brain and off my tongue. Gloren was a contender, especially as it shared origins with the town I'd based Sanctuary on, but it felt too close to Gloria, a name I felt I could not live up to. I wrote them down on a list, said them aloud, and imagined someone calling me that and responding. Ayleen, Lunette, Eislynn, Celenne, Eloise, Aviva, and so many more that I've forgotten or lost.

Eventually, I arrived at Aviana. It had an origin that referred to birds and meant to breathe. Because while I was currently contained in a cage, I felt as if I trulymight fly after all this was done. More than anything, it felt like "me."

As if on cue, the door opened, and Orcus swept inside, carrying another tray of food. Instead of sitting in the large chair by the fire, he settled the tray on the desk and knelt next to me.

"You've a lot of good options here," he observed. "Have you chosen?"

"Yes, Aviana."

He seemed to consider it a moment, pursing his lips and moving his mouth as if rolling it around and tasting it. "It fits."

"Thank you, I agree."