Page 11

Chapter Nine

Jax

Both men were wide awake.

Jax pulled his boyfriend close, nosing into the crook of Niall’s slim neck. As betas, they didn’t emit scents the way alphas and omegas did, but Jax still found the smell of a freshly-showered Niall incredibly appealing.

Niall kissed his head. “Okay, Jax. What is this thing that is somehow okay, but also, you don’t think I’ll like it? We’re both comfortable, clean, and sexually sated. Hit me with it. I’m ready.”

Tilting his head up, Jax placed a kiss on Niall’s smooth chin. “Alright… So, long story short, there was a meeting at the office today, and I’ve been selected to lead the new Hampson Towers project.”

Niall’s brows drew together. “Project lead. Isn’t that good news?”

“For my career, yes. But for us, not so much. It means I’ll be traveling a lot over the next six months.

” He leaned back, folding his tattooed arms over his naked chest. “The job site is almost five hours away by car. Hampson is going to pay for me to have an apartment there. I’ll probably only be able to come home on weekends, if that, possibly a few other chunks of days when I can get away. ”

“Oh.” Niall blew out a careful breath, sitting up straighter. “I mean, it sucks, but it’s not forever, right? Only six months?”

“Yeah. But that’s a long time to be apart so much.”

Jax hid his face from Niall, worried he might give something away in his expression.

While Niall had done nothing overt to merit Jax’s doubt, Jax had a nagging feeling it wasn’t a good idea to be away from one another for long stretches.

He couldn’t describe it exactly, but there seemed to be this piece of distance between them, even though everything else about their relationship was wonderful.

Jax knew it could be his imagination. But even if it was all in his head, it was past time they discussed it. Yet he struggled with how to broach the subject, not wanting it to sound like an accusation.

Why does it feel like there’s something important you’re not telling me?

Niall reached for Jax’s hand, forcing him to uncross his arms and twine their fingers together.

“Jax, I think we’ll be okay when you take this job—and of course, you have to take it. It is a long time, but we can manage, and it’ll be worth it in the end.”

Resting his gaze on Niall’s earnest face, Jax knew it was now or never.

“I know that logically, but in my heart, I have this fear, like, if I go away for so long, we won’t be the same.

” He paused. “Truthfully, there are times when…when it feels like you’re holding a part of yourself back from me.

” Niall sucked in a breath, and Jax continued hurriedly, “I mean, you say and do all the right things. And I know how much you love me. Not just because you tell me, but because I feel it… But I also don’t think I’m imagining that flicker of something you’re not telling me. And it scares me.”

Silence enveloped the room like a cloud. The only noise was the whip of curtains in front of the open window. Jax waited for Niall to get upset, or to scoff at Jax’s insecurity.

Instead, Niall sat frozen. An indeterminate sound escaped his throat before he coughed it away and eyed Jax. “You know I’d never intentionally do anything to hurt you, right?”

Icy dread seeped into Jax’s bones. “I think so.”

“I would never betray you. It’s not something you need to worry about.”

Jax should have felt relieved by the words, but Niall’s expression didn’t inspire confidence. “Why are you saying it like that?”

Niall appeared lost for a moment. “I thought I was protecting you. Now I see how foolish I was to believe you wouldn’t see right through me.”

A ripple of unease invaded Jax’s stomach. “If you’re trying not to upset me, you’re doing a terrible job, talking in riddles like this.”

“I’m sorry, babe. It just tripped me up that you’re mentioning this now, because it’s exactly what I wanted to talk to you about earlier.” Niall pulled his hand away and tucked his knees up under his chin, hugging them to his chest. “That feeling you’re describing… It’s not unwarranted.”

Jax tensed as the fissure of foreboding in his gut opened into a giant pit. “What are saying, Nigh?”

Niall adjusted his shoulders and dragged a hand through his hair, looking forward.

“If it seems like there are moments when my mind goes somewhere else, that’s because…

it does. Sometimes I think about someone else, and I feel like I need to throw up a wall.

Because I don’t want any of it to touch you—”

“Someone else!? What?” Jax cried. He tried to jump from the bed, but Niall reached out a hand to stop him.

“Babe, let me get this out, okay?” Niall implored.

“And then you can decide what should come next. I promise, I haven’t betrayed you.

” Jax shook his head, tears threatening as Niall continued, “I haven’t betrayed you and I’ve been madly in love with you every minute since, like, five minutes after we met.

But as much as I love you and as much as I’m all-in with our relationship, there are things in my past that are also a part of me…

and sometimes old feelings surface without my permission and it’s hard to just…

push them down.” Niall swallowed roughly.

“So…you’re what? Fantasizing about old dates? Hookups?” Jax scowled.

Niall gulped another breath. “Just one. My last…situation. If that’s even the right word.

I wasn’t lying when I told you I’ve never had a boyfriend like you, but my last thing was…

pretty regular. ‘Fantasizing’ is probably too strong of a word, but there are still some complicated feelings there.

And as much as I wish I could, I can’t totally forget. ”

Niall made a motion like he might reach for Jax, but then pulled back, seeing Jax’s glower.

“You’ve never said much about what you got up to before we met. You made it sound like none of it was important,” Jax said.

“I honestly didn’t know. I get that sounds dumb, but it’s the truth.

Recently, I figured out that my last—I think at this point it would be fair to call it a relationship—left behind some unresolved emotions.

I didn’t want to worry you, so I never brought it up.

I hoped the memories would fade. But you know me too well.

” He laid a careful hand on Jax’s thigh.

“I was an idiot to keep anything from you.”

Jax leaned against the headboard, reeling. “You’re telling me you have leftover feelings for someone else and you don’t think that counts as a betrayal?”

“Those feelings are part of my past. I’d never act on them. We all have a past, right?”

“True. But my past isn’t in this bed with us right now.” Jax removed Niall’s hand from his leg. Niall flinched, but didn’t try to touch him again.

“I wish I could bury the feelings completely,” Niall said quietly. “It would make things easier for a lot of reasons. I’m sorry this is hurting you. But this has never diminished my love for you. Ever.”

Jax felt unmoored. It was a fair point that you couldn’t force memories from your brain.

Lots of people had residuals from past relationships.

He also believed Niall when he said he'd been trying to protect Jax's feelings. But knowing those things logically didn’t lessen his sense of being played for a fool. Or like he wasn’t enough for Niall.

Eventually, Jax steeled himself to ask, “Who was he?”

“Are you sure you want to know?”

“Tell me.”

“Alright.” Niall nodded. “But let me explain something first.” He rubbed his hands along his thighs. “You remember I told you all my previous relationships ”—He used air quotes—“have been casual? That in the past, I’ve been open to having multiple partners?”

A lump threatened in Jax’s throat. “You want to see other people?”

“What?! No. I already told you I’m fine being exclusive. I meant it.” Niall looked so taken aback, some of Jax’s fear eased.

“Okay.” Jax pursed his lips. “Then what are you saying?”

Niall crooked an arm behind his neck. “In the past, I’ve shied away from the label ‘poly.’ I always thought I sometimes enjoyed sex with more than one man at a time because I’ve never been truly invested in anyone—like, why make commitments when fucking around is so fun?

” Niall smiled but Jax couldn’t bring himself to return it.

“Anyway, the relationship I’m referring to wasn’t with one man.

It was with a couple, and I’ve realized that it was more than just fucking around.

I see now that I was exclusive and serious, except with two people instead of one.

I never understood that until you and I got together, and I had a point of comparison to know what a genuine, caring relationship looked like.

So, yeah, I think I’m poly. That’s how my system operates.

I can love more than one person at once. ”

“So I’m not enough for you?” Jax scooted away on the bed.

“Babe, you’re more than enough. You’re so enough that you’re the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the first person I want to talk to when I have a great day.

Or a bad one. I miss you five minutes after you leave in the mornings and I can’t wait to get home to you every night.

You’re enough… Please understand. Just because I can love more than one person at once doesn’t mean I need to. ”

Jax shook his head. “I’m so confused.”

Niall stretched out his arms, eyes pleading. Seeing the vulnerability in Niall’s expression, Jax thought about how solid they’d been for the past eight months. After resisting briefly, he allowed Niall to draw him into a hug, face to chest.

“If it helps, I’m confused too,” Niall half-joked.

“But the bottom line is there’s more residual stuff left over from my last relationship than I thought.

I think that’s the weird vibe you’re getting.

I figured as our love grew, those feelings would fade.

But that’s not what’s happened. My heart just got bigger. ”