Page 120 of Almost Rotten

I suck in a sharp breath, knowing all too well what he means.

“Later that night, there was an interview. A live stream where people could log in and ask questions. One person was bold enough to ask how Colton lost his virginity. He wove together some fictious story about two groupies and a limo. I watched him erase me in front of thousands of viewers. I must have replayed the clip a hundred times. That night, I cut too deeply. I couldn’t get the bleeding to stop. I was too scared to go to the hospital, or to tell my parents. Eventually I called Noah.”

He tips his head back, searching the night sky.

“I’d hid my relationship with Colton from him for years, but Noah was still my best friend. The person I spent the most time with outside my family. Sometimes the cut wouldn’t have even scabbed over by the time I biked from my house to the orchard.”

His throat works, his Adam’s apple bobbing.

“Looking back now, that’s where I carry the most shame. Not because of my daily self-harm rituals, but because I kept a secret from Noah for so long.”

My blood thrums in my ears as I process his confession. He’s been through so much, and now that I know, so many things make sense. Knowing what he’s been through, I can see how painful it must have been for him when I pulled away and avoided him.

The urge to sink to my knees and beg his forgiveness overwhelms me, and a sob lodges itself in my throat. That poor boy didn’t know any better, and he deserved so much more. He wanted to be seen and loved. That’s all.

I want to rage against myself for unwittingly hurting him.

But I promised to keep it together.

Swiping at a stray tear, I push down my own self-loathing.

“I don’t even know what to say,” I whisper.

He pulls me closer and nuzzles his face into my neck again. “I don’t need you to say anything. I just needed you to listen.”

Shock rolls through me. After all I’ve done, I don’t deserve his affection. I don’t deserve the trust he’s bestowed upon me.

“To answer your original question,” he says, “I got my thigh tattoos more than a decade ago, during Lullaby Alibi’s ten-year anniversary tour. I was tired of looking at the scars. They were the physical representation of a time when I disrespected myself so deeply that I was willing to be invisible to please another person.”

I rub a hand along his thigh, eyes closed, conjuring memories of his ink.

“The phoenix is obvious,” he says. “Although I made sure the artist included plenty of ashes at the base. Rising up isn’t the hardest part. Defying the inertia to get started is where the true challenge lies. The ashes remind me of that.”

He shifts, resting his head on my other shoulder.

“The scorpion and the snake represent the juxtaposing pull I’ve always felt between my own demons and my ability to rise above. The idea that the poison is the antidote soothes me. It’s the reminder I need to be kind to myself. Despite how big and bad the emotions may seem, feeling them is the only way I’ll survive them.”

The poison in the antidote. I’ve never heard that before, but it resonates.

“Then there are the colored bands. It’s a full wrap cuff of the bisexual pride flag, encircling my thigh. Those stripes serve as my personal reminder to never allow anyone else’s shame or perspective to infiltrate my sense of self. I know who I am. I’m worthy of love—from others, and from myself.”

I don’t know what to say. The man has given a masterclass in emotional healing tonight, despite all the ways I unknowingly picked at his proverbial scars.

“Mercer…”

“I’d like to be done talking about it now,” he says softly.

Relief threads through me. I’m honored he trusted me with his truth, though I’m still riddled with guilt after my recent choices.

While I can’t change the past, I can commit to the version of a future I want, which includes this man and his best friend by my side.

So for tonight, I’ll focus on that. On them.

It’s been the best day. I’ve felt like myself for the first time in weeks, and it’s all thanks to Mercer and Noah.

Tomorrow, I’ll face the quagmire that is my personal life.

Tonight, I’ll live in this moment. Right here in Mercer’s lap, snuggled up in a bubble of safety and comfort.