Page 50 of Afternoon Delight

Meg

We met at a high-end bistro downtown near the water, one with comfortable chairs and a date-night ambiance. The tables held candles and fresh flowers, and the menus came in leather folders. Zak held my chair.

My hands were cold and clammy. My pulse pounded in my ears.

“Who’s with your dad?” I asked, trying to break the ice.

“Zara,” he said in a clipped tone. His movements were stiff as he sat across from me. He wasn’t his usual flippant self. When the server asked if we wanted drinks, he looked at me like it was one decision too many.

“Wine? Red?” I suggested.

“Sure.”

The server walked away.

“So. Erica was here. You know that.”

“Roddie texted me.” I busied myself pretending the cutlery needed straightening. My stomach was full of acid.

“I wasn’t expecting her.” Zak ran a hand over his beard. “She came for a job interview and stopped in to talk. I didn’t want to be an asshole, so I bought her a coffee, but I feel like one anyway.” His mouth twisted.

“Why? We’re fine. Even if you’ve decided to get back together with her, you and I are fine.” Just tell me.

“We’re not getting back together.” His sharp blue gaze pierced mine before he looked away. “But are you so used to being treated like shit that you’d say it’s fine if I did?”

“Ouch.” I scowled. “Where did that come from?”

“Everything you’ve ever said about your marriage?

When I got back to the shop, Roddie said to me, ‘You know my dad cheated on her twice? That we know of .’ Christ, Meg.

I know you’re not mad at your ex because you don’t fucking care about him anymore, but I’d rather you were a little pissed with me.

” He gave the back of his neck a disgruntled squeeze. “So I know I matter.”

Our wine arrived, giving me a few seconds to react while we ordered crab cakes and ravioli.

“She’s very pretty,” I said once we were alone again. “Young.” Fertile .

“Oh, fuck off. You’re not old.” Zak sipped and studied me, still radiating charged energy. Then he scowled and looked away. “I don’t mean to keep swearing at you. I’ll stop.”

“Are you really upset that I’m not in a jealous rage? Or is something else bothering you?”

He seemed to chew his own teeth while he considered his words.

“She floated the idea of getting back together,” he admitted.

“When I left Vancouver, it was an all-hands situation with Dad. Zara was at the end of her rope. I didn’t give Erica a lot of warning—just told her I needed to do this and didn’t know when I’d be back.

She didn’t want to quit her job and take her chances with what she might find here, so we took a break.

I was hurt that she didn’t want to come with me, but I understood.

And I’ve come to see that Dad was a convenient excuse.

We were never strong enough to stay together. ”

“She feels differently?” I asked.

“I guess.” He rubbed his beard again. “She said she’s been watching for something to come up here and that the interview went well. She wanted to see what I thought about her moving so we could keep seeing each other. What’s that face for?” he added, catching my expression.

I straightened it. “I don’t know. It sounds like she made sure she was interested in the job before she told you she was in town. That doesn’t scream I can’t live without this guy.”

“I know, but...” He looked like he was going to scrub his beard right off.

“Maybe she wanted to see how things were with Dad. She’s a nurse.

She has a better understanding of what we’re in for than we do.

I think she was worried that if she came with me without her own life in place, I’d shift all of Dad’s care onto her. ”

Been there, I thought.

“Anyway, I told her to take the job if she wanted it, but not to do it for me because I don’t have room in my life for a relationship.

Then Ali brought your muffin and said, ‘Is that for Meg?’ and Erica said, ‘Who’s Meg?

’ Ali looked like she’d stepped in shit, and all I could think was that you would be gutting yourself over how awkward it was. ”

I bit my lips, nostrils flaring as I fought a bubble of laughter.

Our crab cakes arrived. Zak’s must have been made of sawdust because he looked disgusted with his.

“I don’t have anything in the tank for anyone but Dad,” he said in a low voice, poking at his food.

“I’m exhausted. Just leaving him with Roddie while I was across the street with Erica stressed me out.

I’m not a catch, Meg. You’re starting fresh and you want to build a life that works for you.

I know that. You deserve that. But that’s why I’m angry.

I’m really fucking lonely, and that made the idea of getting back with Erica tempting for a short minute.

It would be comfortable, you know?” His gaze came up, shadowed with compunction.

“But I don’t want to be with Erica. I want to be with you.

Which doesn’t feel possible. That makes me sad. ”

“Oh, Zak.” I pushed my plate and the candle to the side and offered my hands.

He moved his plate and pinched my fingers in his tight grip.

“I married Joel because I was pregnant with Shelby. I moved to Montreal because that’s where he was going to school.

I stayed with him when he cheated because I’d just had Roddie.

I’ve made a lot of concessions in my life for other people.

I can’t move back here for you. Or even for Mom.

It needs to be something that I want. And I don’t know what I want. ”

“It’s not me, it’s you. I know.” He was aiming for a light tone, but his voice cracked, and there was injury in his eyes.

“I need to ask you something.” I squeezed his hands.

“No, I need to tell you something. I’m never having another baby.

I’m sure as hell not going through all the treatment I’d probably need to get pregnant at this age.

I have no plans to be the parent of any kids except the two I’ve already got.

I’m sure you and Erica were planning to have kids, though. Weren’t you?”

“That was before Dad,” he said firmly. “Kids are the last thing on my mind right now.”

“Understandable, but you have lots of time to change your mind. And you can’t keep your own life on hold indefinitely.

” I gently pulled my hands from his, trying not to let the compression in my heart show on my face.

“At some point, you’re going to realize that and start moving forward again.

If you want kids, you need to be with someone who wants to start a family. I don’t.”

He shook his head, mouth flat.

“Zak.” Now I was a little angry. I clenched my hands in my lap, nails digging into my skin.

“I can’t be complacent about this. My ex-husband blew up the family we had by starting a new one with someone else.

A family I had fought and sacrificed for.

I put a brave face on it, but he threw me away for a baby he didn’t even want .

Do you really think I’m prepared to go all-in with you, knowing that deep down you do want a baby? I can’t .”

Zak would be a more hands-on dad than Joel ever tried to be. I could tell, but I couldn’t go back to midnight feedings and living my life by the needs of my child. I just couldn’t.

“And fuck you for making me think I should,” I said with soft anguish, unable to hold it back.

“I was really hurt when I saw you go across the street with her. Not because I thought you were throwing me over, but because you two looked so good together. You looked right . Maybe I’m not old, but we’re at completely different life stages.

I’m mad that you’re tempting me to fall back into all my most self-eroding habits, just so we can be together.

” I shifted the heels of my palms into my eye sockets.

It was my fatal weakness that I wanted to be whatever he needed: vessel, therapist, and instrument of comfort.

“Meg.” He touched my shoulder.

I lifted my head to see he was standing next to me.

“Did I make you cry? I didn’t mean to. C’mere.”

He opened his arms.

Somehow, I was standing and letting him gather me against his big body where I felt very sheltered.

I was aware that people were probably staring, but I kept my face hidden in Zak’s warm, hard chest. I tried not to sniffle because I’d cried enough over Joel, but I was deep in the ache of loss.

It wasn’t only the future I’d planned with Joel that was gone, but the memories that had become tainted once I realized how little he’d valued them.

It was the thousands of opportunities I’d missed when I could have made different choices that benefited me—choices that would have meant I’d be somewhere else entirely right now.

Zak’s hand tracked up and down my spine, soothing.

But this was exactly where I wanted to be, I acknowledged. If all of those other things had had to happen to bring me to this point, maybe that was okay.

The ache in my chest altered, still there, but shifting into something I could bear.

“I’m not crying,” I said, drawing back a little. “I’m just feeling sorry for myself.”

“You throw a truly pitiful pity party. No balloons. No clowns.”

“Just you.” I poked his chest, but he firmed his hold, trapping my arm between us.

We were both fighting our unsteady emotions with a wavering smile.

“I know you have to protect yourself, Meg. I want you to.” His brow furrowed with agony.

“Otherwise, I will take everything you’re willing to give me.

” He cupped the side of my neck in his hand and touched his lips to my forehead.

“Thank you for pretending to be devastated about Erica. I needed that.”

I wasn’t pretending. We both knew that.

He held my chair.

I sat and looked at his self-deprecating expression as he settled across from me.

“How much time do you have?” I asked. “Do you want to finish dinner or go somewhere for make-up sex?”

“Check!” he shouted, silencing the entire restaurant.

I hid my eyes behind my hand, shoulders shaking with laughter.