Page 40 of A Wolf’s Wound

Hannah

How do I feel about mates? How do I feel about mates?

I don’t fucking know. That’s how I feel.

And who does that, anyway? Who the hell brings up the idea of “mates” after having sex one freaking time ? Stage-five clinger much, Ryder?

I pick up one of the pillows from the bed and throw it back down harder than necessary. Then I throw myself down on the bed with a sigh. This is all such a mess.

Not having sex with Ryder. That was great, and I don’t regret it.

And it’s not even entirely about that weird-ass conversation we just had.

I mean, it’s not like I’ve never slept with a guy and then initiated the “so what are we doing here?” convo.

April would probably say I’ve initiated it too much, but that’s just her opinion.

Still, I have never, not once, implied to the guy that I want to be with him forever. Even with my first boyfriend, who I did think I wanted to be with forever.

That’s what happens when you’re an idiotic fifteen-year-old. Don’t get me wrong. The guy was fine. But wow, I would have been miserable if we’d actually tried to stay together forever.

It’s not like I didn’t know Ryder was different.

Besides the obvious, he’s definitely more intense and guarded than most guys I know, let alone have dated.

And if I’m being honest with myself—which I might as well be because now I’m deep in this mess and have nothing to lose—that was part of the attraction.

But now… “Argh!” I moan. But not too loud because I don’t want Ryder to hear. Is he still awake? Did he fall asleep on the couch? I don’t even know. But just in case he’s still awake, or a light sleeper, I pull a pillow over my face and scream into it for a few cathartic seconds.

It was just sex. Right? It was just good sex, brought about by proximity, stress, and the need for a release. And also, okay, because I think he’s hot.

Still. “Just sex!” I tell myself. “It was just sex!”

Was it, though? I sit up and think back over the past few days.

About how protected I feel whenever Ryder’s around.

About his family, how warm and genuine they are.

How relaxed he is with them, even Gavin.

Even when they were arguing I could tell that affection and respect ran beneath their heated words.

Hot guy, great family, good in bed, makes me feel safe… Okay, on paper, Ryder seems to have it all. On paper he’s exactly my type.

But in person it’s confusing. I admit—but just to myself, in the quiet of this isolated cottage—that I was beginning to wonder about a relationship with Ryder. I was beginning to imagine what it would be like to go on a date with the guy, maybe have another meal at his family’s house.

And yeah, I also entertained a couple of stray thoughts about how to break the news to my parents that I was dating a Stone. Even though the only conclusion I reached was that I should do it carefully and over the phone.

But that’s all light-years away from settling down with Ryder! From becoming his mate and marrying not just him but the entire freaking Stone pack. I know how this world operates. I know what’s expected of a mate, especially the mate of someone with such importance to the pack.

Yet… Okay, here’s the worst part, the root of all of my confusion. I don’t actually hate the idea of maybe, possibly being Ryder’s mate. It doesn’t freak me out as much as it did a week ago or even a couple of days ago.

Spending time with Ryder has shown me what life with him could be like. And it would come with a lot of stress and pressure, sure. But it would also come with love and family and community.

That still doesn’t mean I want to run out and pledge my life to the guy right now. It just means I’m more confused. Because if I hated the idea entirely, I’d just chalk this all up to adventure, bide my time until I could go home, and then move on with my life.

Not hating the idea, however, means I have to figure out if there’s really a way to become Ryder’s mate and also keep my independence. And that’s a lot more difficult.

Especially because I don’t know if even Ryder thinks I’m really his mate. He’s sure brought it up a lot. But I always thought a pack member would know for sure when he or she found their mate. That’s how it worked with my mom and Mason, and with the entire Blackwood pack.

And that’s how it works in all packs, at least that’s how I always heard it worked. Which means that if Ryder hasn’t said I’m definitely his mate, he must not know either.

So is he just into me for the same reasons I’m into him? Because he’s attracted to me and likes hanging out but isn’t sure he wants anything more?

I close my eyes and try to play out what could happen if I said to Ryder hey, sure, let’s be mates. And if he said yes, and then we got married. Let’s say that happened, and we were happy. And after a few years we had a kid, and then another one, and a few more years went by of us being a family.

And then one day, out of the blue, he comes home and after dinner turns to me while doing the dishes and is all “oh, hey, funny thing, but today at work I totally met my mate. I thought it was you but now I know I was wrong. Isn’t life strange?”

And then I’d be divorced with two kids. And every time I dropped the kids off with Ryder for his days, he and his one true mate would be all twinkly and perfect, and I’d want to punch something all the time.

I shake my head and open my eyes. Okay, maybe the last part wouldn’t happen. But the rest could, if he’s not completely sure I’m his actual mate.

“You’re being ridiculous,” I tell myself, standing up. “You’ve gone from thinking Ryder’s full of shit to planning out your marriage, divorce, and custody arrangements. Slow the fuck down.”

I walk over to my bag, which is barely unpacked. I think about just gathering up my things and leaving. Getting some space from all this. The idea is incredibly appealing.

My door opens a little, and Shadow slips in. “Is Ryder asleep?” I ask him, and he nods.

“Okay. We’re going, then,” I tell the raccoon. He watches as I quickly pack up and zip my bag closed.

I need to be alone. I need to be somewhere where I don’t have to worry about Ryder or another member of the pack popping up.

I need to think through whether I really want to pursue a future with Ryder.

If there’s a way to do that without becoming a mindless bride, or falling in love with him if he’s not sure I’m really his mate.

With Shadow at my heels, I walk quietly through the cottage. I carefully open the front door. To my relief it swings open without making a sound.

The day is sunny and quiet. I stand on the front steps for a minute, face tilted to the sun, listening to the silence. “It’s going to be okay,” I tell Shadow—and myself. “I promise.”