Page 78 of A Simple Truth (the Freckled Fate #2)

77

FINNLEAH

M y hand covered my mouth, holding in the gut-wrenching sobs as I watched Gideon’s figure vanish into the night. And then I stormed off in the opposite direction, away from him, away from the party, away from the crowds. My steps turned into a rutted run as tears uncontrollably poured out of me.

I just wanted to go away. I wanted to run away. I wanted to disappear.

I sprinted down the hills, past the boulders, towards the hidden coves along the small beach, until there was nothing but the soaring dark waters of the ocean. Until the hard rock of the alcoves scraped my back as I slid down the its solid walls, unable to stop the heartbreaking sobs.

The shimmering sand spattered from the impact of my angrily thrown shoes; I pulled my knees closer to me, my body shaking as I covered my eyes with my hands and bawled.

‘Your fear is nothing but a weapon now.’ Gideon’s words rang within me. And he was right…not only had it hurt him, but it was killing me too.

New tears formed in my eyes as my mind violently destroyed everything within me, replaying our conversation, his words, again and again.

A loud clap echoed through the cove as Liriya appeared out of thin air, her raven silhouette mixing with the shadows around me. But I didn’t acknowledge her, as I wrapped my arms around my legs, spiraling down the deep void of comforting grief until it suffocated me, until I’d bleed out, slowly and painfully. Because I deserved to suffer. I deserved it all.

“Go away,” I muttered to the bird as she jumped closer, gently scratching my leg with her beak, nudging me to the empty piece of paper and pen she had brought. “Please, go away, Liriya,” my voice cracked as I begged her. Her presence brought a whole new asphyxiating wave of tears. She curiously tilted her head to the side, but took a small jump back, pausing, observing me. I didn’t bother wiping away the slobbery tears off my red and puffy cheeks. Soon, she left making the empty cove feel even emptier, colder than before.

I stared through the blurred tears to the sand-covered blank paper.

I knew she wanted me to write to him, but I couldn’t. Not after tonight.

But I still grabbed the pen and paper, frenziedly scribbling in the dark; unreadable words violently pouring out of me. Words that I wished I could say, even as complete lethal despair drowned me.

I’m so lost, Tuluma. I am so so so lost…

Tears dripped on the paper, messing up the lines of ink.

I am so alone and all I wish is for you to be here. That I could hear your voice one more time. I wish I could trade my life with you. I just wish you were alive….” I wiped away my running nose as I continued writing feverishly. I wish you were here to tell me what to do. To tell me how I got so far lost in my labyrinth that I don’t know how to get out.

I miss you so much that it physically hurts. It feels like my soul turned inside out. I miss the past and I miss the future we never had. I.JUST.MISS.YOU. So much.

You always said you were not my mother, but you were the only family I had ever known. I worshipped you. I loved you with the purest child’s heart. But you died, and you left me behind, abandoned me in this cruel world.

I had no one but you, Tul. No one . And now I am so alone. Completely. Absolutely alone. With nothing to guide me but my scars.

I wish you could tell me. I wish I could ask you. I wish I could talk to you.

But you are gone, and I am here, more lost than ever before.

And I think…

A new flow of silver streams poured out of my eyes as the loud, crashing ocean waves muffled my cries. My body trembled as I wept tears filled with hopelessness.

I think I love him, Tul.

I really really love him.

And I think I love him more than I have loved anyone or anything before.

And I am so afraid. I am so, so scared.

My trembling hand squeezed the pen tight as I stared into the darkness unable to write one word more.

After a while, as the cold ocean winds caressed my puffy face, and the previous inferno turned to embers within, I turned the paper around, writing something that I knew had to be said, something that I had yet had the courage to face.

My stumbling thoughts poured out on paper as my unsteady hand scribbled the words.

Ollie.

My body shrugged and I couldn’t even comprehend the overwhelming words, the feelings that were ready to tear out of me. The end of my pen seeped into the paper, as I wrote,

Dear Ollie, my brave knight, my savior, my love. You were there for me when I needed you the most. When I saw the world as nothing but bleak gray, you showed me color. When I struggled to stand, you held me up. When my hope wavered through storms, when my faith blurred, you were always there, carrying me through it all. You showed me what it was like to dream, to look forward to the future. You showed me what it’s like to love.

If it weren’t for you, I would’ve never known what unconditional love meant, what it was like to be loved, to have the courage to love. But when I lost you, I lost it all. My hope, my faith, my valor. My dreams died with you that day. The future lost its meaning without you in it. Life lost its purpose. And I have missed you every day since. I spent nights, years, wondering what if things were different…

I think a part of me died with you that day, and I think I’ve carried its dead body in my soul for so long that I haven’t noticed as it slowly rotted me from within.

I held in my breath, as calm tears ran down my reddened face.

I think it’s time for me to let you go.

To set you free.

I will let you be.

I will no longer hold you hostage in my heart.

I will let you go.

I didn’t bother rereading the indecipherable words on the paper as I walked across the beach. The warm sand stuck to my bare feet until I was marching in the cold water, waves crashing high above my knees. Only then, I let go of my paper, watching a piece of my dying heart float away from me.

I stood there as seconds turned into minutes, my feet turning numb from the Northern Ocean rushing past them, but I stayed motionless. My eyes followed the quickly disappearing speck of paper, mixed in between the shimmering moonlight that danced on the tips of the curling waves.

Eventually, my tears dried, uneven breaths now the last reminder of my gut-wrenching sobs.

“ Goodbye .” My hushed voice carried through the night as I motioned with my hand, lighting up the paper with copper flames, watching my burdened past vanish rapidly into nothingness.