Page 56 of A Promise of Love

S he found him standing at the cairn stones, at the small enclosure which marked the graves of his father, Ian, Gerald and Sophie. His head was bowed, his stance that of a man carved from rock, a statue of pride and purpose and a resolution almost too strong to touch .

He turned and the look on his face was so fierce Judith recoiled from it. Only for a second, before she gained what courage she still possessed and glued it to her backbone .

“Alisdair..” It was a tentative peace. She held out her hand. In her face was resolve, in her eyes was the answer he’d dreaded. Her face was awash with tears, and the sight of them made this even more difficult .

He hated her in that moment with all the passion he’d held in careful restraint.

Hated her for visiting so much more pain upon him, at a time when he could barely hold in check the grief he felt.

Hated her for being unwilling to chance a life with him, for believing him incapable of giving her enough love and laughter and promise to offset any burdens they might share .

“Go wait in the courtyard. I’ll summon the twins. They’ll see you safe to Inverness." The ugly harshness of his voice reflected his rage. It surprised him that the words were not coated in flames, they burned him so .

Her face was stark white, yet she did not turn, nor heed his unspoken warning.

Did she not realize how close he was to tearing out of his self-imposed cloak of patience and tenderness and understanding?

The man who faced her now was not kind. This was the man who’d returned from Culloden battle scarred, soul awash with what he’d done, who’d carried his dead father and brother in a rickety cart so many long miles that he might bury them on Tynan’s soil.

The man she stared at now was devoid of hope and stripped of dreams. But she did not move, this stubborn English woman, her eyes dark with tears, the fatigue evident in her face, her very stance .

“Yesterday, a woman laughed, and I thought it was you.

" Of all the words he could have spoken, she did not expect these.

“I began to crave the sounds of an English accent, only one clue to my insanity.

" He turned back to the cairn stones. “Is that why you’re still here, Judith, to witness my submission ? "

One day, and he’d longed for her like a callow boy, ached for her as if she carried a string to his heart in her possession, tugging on it each hour as if to remind him of her absence.

One day, and he’d been reminded of all the days she’d been in his life, all the weeks and months before her.

One day, to realize how much she meant to him .

“I love you, Alisdair ."

“Yes, I know,” he said harshly. “The last time you left me, you said the same. A simple goodbye would suffice .”

“ Forgive me .”

His answer was a soft sigh. Still, he did not turn .

“When I was a little girl, all I wanted was to belong somewhere.

" Her voice was a warm and gentle breeze blowing over his soul.

He did not want to soften to it. He did not want his anger to melt, his hearing to be so acute he could sense the very hesitance of her speech.

“All my life, I’ve been known as different, strange.

Even my own father thought so." She took one hesitant step toward him.

He flinched at the sound of it. If she touched him, it would be too much .

“After Anthony died, I lived within myself, knowing that the world would never understand what happened, that God would never forgive me, that no one would ever look at me the way you did just now ."

The tears in her voice were too much to bear. He turned and wanted to shout at her to finish this death knell, but for the look on her face .

It was as if a sun dwelled in Judith, she was that luminous.

The tears that fell down her cheeks flowed freely, but they were only a backdrop for her watery smile.

Alisdair felt his heart clench at the sight, the rage and pain he’d felt transformed, as if by sorcery, into something cleaner, more pure, distilled of love and hope .

“I wish, with all my heart, that I could come to you without one stain on my soul. I wish I could offer myself to you without memories, without regrets." She extended her hands to him, palms up. He could not help himself, he reached out for her .

“Did you hear nothing I said, Judith? None of us are pure." He held her prisoner by the tips of her fingers; she held him captive by the look in her eyes .

“Please. Do not send me away, Alisdair." In her eyes was hope, a tiny flicker of it. It was, he thought, enough to fan a flame .

“I could not bear it, Judith,” he said solemnly. It was as much a declaration as she needed .

He held out his arms and Judith walked into them, holding onto him as if he were the anchor she needed to keep from floating away .