Page 27 of A Promise of Love

“I tell you of Anne for one reason, Judith. I berate myself for what happened to her, even though in my mind I know I did all that I knew to do. It is human nature to try and apportion blame, to capture some of it for ourselves. I think you must do the same, without knowing. But what was visited upon you was not of your doing .”

He spoke of the scars on her back; she knew of the scars on her soul. Too many times, Judith had awakened with the sickening awareness of her own actions. Scrubbing her body had not altered the shame. How did anyone ever wash that sin away ?

“Your union with Anne was not like my marriage." He waited, but she said nothing else. Perhaps that acrid statement was enough, after all. A small vent hole of rage. Alisdair could imagine what she buried beneath the crust of it .

He held her still, within his arms. It came to her then, with a shock, that she was not as frightened as she had been earlier .

"It is still possible for me to leave," she said slowly. "It would spare you a marriage to me ."

Alisdair glanced down at her, liking the way her chin jutted out when she was being defensive.

He wanted to applaud every instance in which she expressed emotion.

He suspected that she had, for too long, simply shut herself off from feeling in order to survive.

Yet, in order to heal, Judith needed to recognize the emotions she had kept suppressed, dampened .

"I'm afraid if you left now, Judith," he said, with a hint of amusement in his voice, "the good Colonel would hold me accountable for your disappearance. Although life at Tynan is not as pleasant as I would wish at present, it is still life. I find the thought of my hanging somewhat daunting ."

She looked up at him, her eyes a deeper blue than before .

“You could do so much better than to take me to wife, MacLeod .”

“Alisdair,” he said automatically. “And what is so wrong about you Judith, that I would have cause to put you aside ?"

It was the perfect opportunity, if perhaps an odd one, sitting naked upon the MacLeod's lap, to tell him of other secrets. Secrets that would endanger him and the clan. The moment passed, however, and she wondered at the sense of relief she felt when the truth remained unspoken .

"I am barren, Alisdair," she said, instead .

"We live in uncertain times, Judith. It may not be safe enough to bring a child into this world," he said calmly .

"You are the last of your line, MacLeod. It is fitting that you have an heir ."

"It is more fitting, perhaps, that I simply survive," he said calmly. "Let others found their dynasties. I do not crave a mirror image of myself ."

Why should you want what you already have? Douglas looks just like you .

“I am too tall for a woman, I am not delicate like a woman is supposed to be. My eyes are an odd color, and my hair will not be pressed into curls no matter how hot the iron.” She focused her gaze on her clenched hands.

It was the only way she could be as honest as she was.

She did not want to see the acknowledgment of her own defects in his eyes .

Alisdair wondered why she chose to believe the worst of herself.

He, too, had been mocked for his differences, mainly by his brother and those who would follow him.

Yet, that condemnation had been laid over a foundation of stone.

Since he was a child, he had been praised for his very being.

He was, after all, a MacLeod. His first steps were feted, if not by his mother, then by the father he'd grown to worship and the family relationship of his clan.

Even when he'd made mistakes, they had been brushed off as the growing spirit of a MacLeod.

He was set apart and excused, but most of all, he had been encouraged.

His early life had been spent around the crofter's huts, where members of his clan were his surrogate parents, correcting, scolding, but above all, loving.

He had always appreciated his heritage, but never more so than now, when he realized with a jolt how much his clan had brought to him .

Total acceptance .

Had she never felt it? Had she never been loved ?

“Is there a reason for this litany of concerns, Judith ?”

“It was you who wished for the telling of my faults .”

After another long silence, he spoke again. "Do you remember the little lamb we saw on the hill the other day ?"

"Yes," she answered cautiously .

"It was black, was it not, although the other lambs were white ?"

She nodded .

"Was it still a lamb ?"

"You know it was ."

"Then know this, too, Judith," he said, nuzzling the top of her head again.

“Your differences do not set you apart, they simply define you. One day, you will see yourself differently, I promise that. You will accept yourself and all that has happened to you as only a part of who you are, as I am comprised of my past, my present, and my hopes for the future .”

"I think I'd rather be a lamb, MacLeod," she said, an unwilling smile upon her lips .

"You have the stubbornness for it, I think," he said, chuckling .

He leaned down and kissed her, quickly, but she did not draw back. It was a light, unthreatening kiss, a benediction of friendship more than lovers. When it was over, she held two fingers to her lips. He smiled at the gesture, the bemusement it unwillingly divulged .

He stretched out one hand and cupped her left breast lightly.

She shivered in response, but it was not in passion.

"You have beautiful breasts, Judith," he said softly, his fingers softly stroking.

"Full and luscious, they have always caught my eye.

Your nipples peek from their resting place like tiny hillocks, proud and tall . "

She shivered at his touch, that one finger placed tenderly on her nipple. He smiled at her, bent closer to kiss her forehead, a calming, gentle touch .

His right hand descended to the nip of her waist, and he drew her closer so that she could feel his breath on her cheek.

"Your curves are a woman's curves. Soft, sweet, desirable.

You are not petite, Judith, but I would have no dolls in my bed.

You match my height perfectly, you know.

I will not need to bend my back like a bow when I enter you . "

He lightly brushed her cheeks with his lips, felt the warmth of the flush that changed their paleness to deep rose.

He smiled softly, as he continued to move his hands down her body.

"Your legs, Judith, are long enough to wrap around mine, to encase my waist," he whispered.

"How beautifully slender they are, neither stocky nor plump.

" He clasped his hands around her, trapping her within his arms once again.

"Do you not know how much desire you instill in me ?”

Her eyes widened again.“ MacLeod ....”

“Judith," he interrupted softly, "you may dress now ."

" What ?"

He brushed his lips against the tip of her nose. "You may dress," he repeated, the smile never leaving his mouth .

She looked at him as though he had lost his mind.Did he imagine that flicker of disappointment? He hoped he had not .

"What are you about, MacLeod?" she asked him warily .

"I think that since we have decided it is safer for the sake of my neck to remain married, Judith, then it would be a nice change for you to call me Alisdair. Don't you think so ?"

"And you stripped me naked so that I would call you by your rightful name ?"

He laughed. "No Judith, I stripped you naked so that you would not fear me. And, too, so you would listen. There were things you needed to hear ."

"My ears are here, Alisdair," she said, pointing to them .

"Very nice ears, they are, too. But would you have listened, truly, being so afraid of me pouncing at any moment?" She remembered her feelings before he had placed her on his lap. She’d not been able to swallow, the blind panic was so great .

"No, probably not," she admitted reluctantly .

He stood, holding her in his arms, then deposited her gently on the bed. He leaned over her, placing both hands on either side of her face .

"Listen to me, Judith, listen well. Whether our union was a good thing that happened, or simply an accident of fate that we must make good, we are now married.

Gone is our temporary bargain, thanks to the English.

We are now husband and wife. Part of that belonging is sharing this.

" He stroked the flesh on the top of her breast with the back of one hand and watched her eyes.

She did not flinch and draw away, but looked surprised at the feelings his touch evoked .

"Do you think we shall spend the rest of our lives without touching, Judith? Do you think never to seek my warmth, or to always deny me the pleasure of yours? Your words betray you, not your body. You have intelligence and wit and a spark of fury. I can provide a haven for you within the walls of Tynan, but I cannot guarantee a world without men, especially if that means never being husband to you .”

He placed his palm against her left breast, feeling the impudent nipple bury into his skin as if seeking a home.

He wanted, desperately, to bend down and place a welcoming kiss upon that nipple, a warm and wet suckle.

Instead, he smiled, then bent over her. His tongue traced the line of her lips, his teeth nipped playfully at her bottom lip, coaxing it to yield to him.

Her eyes were open, a startled fawn’s, but still, he did not deepen the kiss.

Even when his tongue intruded through the seam of her lips, he did not succumb to the warm invitation of her mouth.

He kept the caress light, sweetly imploring, leading her to deeper pleasures .

Only when her lids drooped, did he allow himself one tiny taste of fullness, one sweeping invasion of lip and tongue and wetness. Too soon, too quickly, he forced himself to pull back. Her eyes opened wide as she studied him, her own lips licking where his had just been .

He stifled a groan, raised himself away from her .

Judith watched him dress and leave the room. He was smiling and whistling, which irritated her. Which was the only reason her palms were damp, of course, and her heart racing .