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Home – Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

Declan

N ora splashes in the massive pool at the hotel as Maren and Jack toss her back and forth in the water. Her giggles fill the air as she screams, begging for them to do it again, and again.

The bye week means we can only stay in Florida for a few days, and after an exhausting day yesterday, we all decided to lounge by the pool, soaking in the rays of the sun before returning to rainy Seattle.

“Daddy, look!” I spin to Nora, who is standing on Jack’s shoulders. He holds her ankles to keep her stable, and when she knows I’m watching, she leaps off of him and into the water.

Her head dips below the surface, and my heart surges, but she pops back up with a massive grin on her face.

“Awesome!” I say, having no other response to the circus act.

I walk around the pool edge to the deck chairs where Addie and the girls are lounging beneath umbrellas, reading and sipping on fruity cocktails.

“Having fun?” I ask, leaning over the back of Addie’s chair. Her eyes lift from the book she was reading—the fantasy one she bought me at the airport—and a content smile overtakes her.

“I’m so relaxed.” She sighs. “We’re going to get massages later.”

“We?”

I could be down for a couple's massage. Maybe Henry and Sawyer would take Nora.

“Oh, sorry. The girls and me.” She nibbles on her lip. “You can come if you want.”

“No, he can’t,” Maren says, eyes locked on her book.

“That’s alright,” I kiss the top of her forehead. Her skin scorches my lips. “You should put on some more sunscreen,” I say, noticing the flush of her skin, even beneath the umbrella.

She lifts, and my throat dries at the sight of her in the purple one-piece bathing suit. It’s relatively modest, but covered in flowers and thoughts of her little set flood my mind. Addie catches my look, and her cheeks flush even further.

“Stop.”

“I’m not doing anything.”

Her breath hitches. “Stop looking at me like you want to fuck me.”

“I do.”

“Gross,” Nathalie calls out from her chair. She’s a few dirty Shirley’s deep and has no room to talk. She’s spent the last half-hour blowing kisses at Deon, who has to dunk his head beneath the water every time.

“You are no better than any of us,” Sawyer says. She perches her sunglasses on her nose, and Henry does the same beside her.

Addie rubs sunscreen into her soft skin, and I have to look away. These swim trunks are not going to hide any boner. She laughs loudly and smears sunscreen on my nose.

“Can you take Nora later?” Addie asks, looking at Henry and Sawyer.

“Sure. Why?” Henry asks.

Has he even been listening?

“They’re going to fuck,” Maren says plainly.

She’s not wrong, but a nice quiet dinner also crosses my mind.

“Oh, right, sure.” Henry blushes, “We can go walk around…somewhere.”

“Thanks.” I trail along Addie’s shoulder. “Holler if you need me.”

With that, I store my phone and wallet in her bag beneath her chair and leap into the pool, wadding toward Nora, who is forcing everyone to play a very wild game of Marco Polo.

Deon’s eyes are squeezed shut as he calls ‘fish out of water’ and Jack quietly slips into the pool, holding a finger up to her lips to quiet Nora’s giggles. While Deon’s back is turned, I leap on him. His limbs flail, and I laugh loudly as he tries to dislodge me.

“Get off of me!” he screams, smacking my back.

“Get him, Nora!” I yell, and she joins in, splashing him with water until we’re all laughing, even Deon, who has a small smile on his face when Nora splashes me by accident.

Her small legs kick and her arms splash as she swims toward me, the floaties on either arm doing the heavy lifting. When she reaches me, her arms snake around my neck and she holds onto me like I’m a life raft in the middle of the open ocean.

The last few days have flown by in an emotional blur—happiness, pride, belonging .

I’ve spent so much of my energy the last few years searching for where I belong, for a love as steadfast as the ones my friends have found for themselves, that at times it’s hard to believe I’m here, with Addie and Nora—a part of a family.

But if I had to do it all over again—make every mistake, go on every bad first date, spend lonely nights questioning my life—to find Addie and Nora, I would do it in an instant.

They have brightened my life in ways I didn’t know existed. I was skirting by before I met them, even before Alan died, but thinking of the future now holds hope and excitement rather than dread. It’s full of endless possibilities, and I know there’s going to be bumps, fights, and difficult choices, but there's no one I would rather traverse the winding path of life with than Addie.

Steadfast, kind, intelligent, Adeline.

The woman who never balked at my past or the mistakes I’ve made in life. The partner who is eternally grateful for everything in her life, even when she’s been dealt a less-than-ideal hand. The mother who puts her daughter first, even if it means sacrificing something of herself.

There will never be enough words in any language to properly describe what she means to me, but I’ll do my best to show her, tell her, how much I love her.

“Can we get snow cones later?” Nora asks, eyes sparkling. “I promise I’ll eat veggies at dinner.”

“Alright.” I cave immediately, because damn, a snow cone sounds delicious. “But go get some more sunscreen.” I drag a finger along the bridge of her bright pink nose. “You’re going to turn into a little lobster.”

Jack sneaks behind her and pinches her side, resulting in a loud squeal that nearly bursts my eardrum. I help Nora to the edge of the pool and lift her, and she patters over to Addie, spinning around and splashing them all with water.

Henry rises from his chair and slips into the pool. Nora takes his seat, lounging back to mimic Maren and Sawyer’s posture. She slides a pair of small, hot pink glasses onto her eyes, and Addie hands her a sticker book, which she flips open.

“Oh my god,” Henry says, leaning against the edge beside me. “They look insane.”

I fold my lips together to fight laughter as the five of them flip pages and sip drinks, soaking in the Florida sun. Addie rubs sunscreen on Nora, then returns to her book.

I rub my sternum. I didn’t think it was possible to love somebody else so much.

A wave of water hits the side of my face, and I spin to find Deon wearing a wide grin.

“How does it feel?” he asks, making space for Jack to complete the small circle we’ve made in the pool.

I dip my shoulders beneath the water, letting it cool my skin. “How does what feel?”

“The zing.”

Oh.

How do I describe something that feels otherworldly?

“It’s like…birds chirping in spring and bonfire nights in the summer. Cold winter nights with hot chocolate and crisp fall afternoons, stomping through fallen leaves. It feels like home .” They nod, knowing the feeling for themselves. “To me, they are a future I’ve never allowed myself to dream about, not fully. Before, I pushed it down into the deepest parts of myself, because if I allowed myself to long for something I’ve never had, it would crush me if it never happened. With them, I can dream again.”

I glance back over to my girls, and Addie’s book has fallen from her grip, and her mouth is parted slightly as she snoozes. To the left, Nora is in nearly the same position, the both of them are out cold. I laugh softly, then turn back to my friends.

“Those two,” I point over my shoulder, and they laugh at the sight, “are my dream now. And maybe it’s silly to put my hopes and dreams into other people, but I would be perfectly content to be Addie’s husband and Nora’s parent. No other title needed.”

Like I told Sharon, I could let it all go with zero regrets. I don’t need trophies or titles, or championships as long as I have them. When I started my career, the accolades and acknowledgement was my drive—my purpose.

I thrived on the attention I had craved during my childhood, and I grew addicted to the way it made me feel, and in that, I hurt the people who truly cared about me. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about those mistakes, but they shaped me into a new person—a person I’m proud of.

All of it led me to Addie.

And those friends, the ones who gave me a second chance, are the ones who turned into family. Who cheered me on in my accomplishments, and held me at my lowest points. They taught me that family isn’t always defined by blood, but rather the people you choose to invite into your life. It’s about forgiving when mistakes are made, and loving one another at their best and worst.

They’re the friends who sat on a couch and scribbled on a whiteboard. Who urged me to chase something, even if I was afraid. Without them, none of this would have been possible.

I will forever be grateful for their friendship, the abundance of love shared between everyone, and the role they’ve played in my life. But most of all, I’ll never be more thankful for a massive whiteboard and a game plan for love.