Page 26
Tell Me What You Dream About – Hazlett
Addie
Me: I told my parents I was willing to talk to them.
They want to come to Seattle and have dinner.
Declan: Do they not know how to FaceTime?
Also, thank you for the second round of soup. It was delicious.
Me: I ate half of the chicken noodle. It was only fair.
I don’t know how to answer. I don’t want to be cornered about my choices, and I’m not comfortable with them being around Nora. Not until I know what they want.
Declan: I’ll support whatever choice you make.
I hesitate, then ask the question. His response will tell me if he meant what he said earlier. I have an idea of what he will say, and I hope I’m right, because I saw a life together flash before my eyes in the room he decorated for Nora. Christmas mornings, and summers in the backyard growing vegetables. New rooms for new additions to a family, and artwork scattered along the walls. Quiet fall nights snuggled in the sunroom, gazing at the stars, and cold winter nights on the couch with hot cocoa.
Me: Would you come with me to dinner if I agreed?
Declan: Yes.
We can have someone take Nora so we know she’s somewhere safe.
But there’s nothing wrong with saying no, too.
Me: I think I need to know.
And maybe a tiny part of me hopes they’ve changed. Is that silly?
Declan: I don’t think so.
Did they have a date?
Me: Second week of October.
Declan: We have a home game that week, so I’m available.
Speaking of October…I’d like to go somewhere for the bye-week.
Me: You don’t need to approve your plans with me. You’re an adult.
Declan: Let me rephrase.
I’d like to take you and Nora somewhere.
Me: No.
Declan: I didn’t even tell you where I wanted to go.
Me: Doesn’t matter. We can’t afford it, and I’m not letting you jet us away for a weekend.
Declan: Spending the weekend with you and Nora is worth every penny.
Me: Why do I have the feeling you’re not going to budge on this?
Declan: You know me so well.
Me: One condition.
Declan: Anything.
Me: You let me help pay.
Declan: Of course! You can buy a water at the airport.
I groan, but giddy excitement bubbles in my chest. For a moment, I thought I had contracted the stomach bug when I told Declan he couldn’t have any hesitations in the choice he wants to make—turns out, it was fear. He’s moving at supersonic speed, and I’m right beside him, but someone needs to hit the brakes enough to return to reality.
The past few months with him and Nora have been the real-life version of a dream I tucked away after I gave birth. It was easier to put it away than let its absence pick away at my heart.
But we both need to be sure about the choice, and we need to include Nora in the discussion.
“Nora,” I call out, and small feet patter down the hallway.
A head of curly hair pokes over the back of the couch. “What?”
My heart skips a beat when she smiles. They really do look like each other.
“Come sit.” I pat the couch beside me. Her eyes narrow, but she settles into the old cushions. “I want to talk to you.”
Nerves flutter in my stomach like a swarm of bees.
“Is this about the chocolate I ate earlier?” she asks, eyes flickering around. “You didn’t say I couldn’t have it.”
“What?” My brain short-circuits for a moment. “You didn’t ask for—that’s not what I wanted to talk about.”
“Is it about Decy?”
Clever girl. “Yes.”
“Are you two getting married?” she asks. Air seizes in my lungs, and I choke. “Do you love him?”
I hack for air, face flaming as I fight for breath. She’s going to kill me .
“We’re not getting married,” I say once I can breathe again, and Nora frowns, as if it’s the worst thing to ever happen to her.
“Why not?”
“Because we’ve only been dating for a few months.”
“But you kissed.”
Ah. “Not everyone who kisses gets married.”
She processes the information, then continues her interrogation. “I love him and he loves me. So he loves you, too.”
I wish it were that simple.
“He does love you, yes. But there are different types of love. And the way he loves you is not the same way you love someone you marry.”
Her brows furrow. “Do you love him like married people?”
“I don’t know.” The way my heart thuds in my chest offers a different answer. The way I wanted to beg him to choose us today says differently.
“Mommy…” she trails off, confusion and timidness overtaking her face. Her voice quiets. “If you got married, would he want to be my dad?”
Tears spring to my eyes and I have to force them away and still my trembling hands. I knew this conversation was coming, but I thought I had more time to prepare myself. I can’t speak for him, and it crushes me I can’t give her a solid answer.
I wish he were here to help me navigate this, and that’s all I need to know; I’m too far in to salvage my heart. If I didn’t have to protect Nora, I would have dived headfirst into our relationship, but I owe it to her to make a level-headed choice, even if it ends in heartbreak.
But I have delusional faith in the dreams he talks about.
“That’s complicated.” I sigh and pat my thigh for her to crawl onto my lap. “It would be up to you and him. If you wanted to call him that, and if he was okay with filling that role. But we’re not getting married,” I say again, just so it’s clear.
Don’t need her running around telling people we’re married.
“And if you don’t get married? Would he still want to be my dad?”
My heart cracks at her trying to piece together how they fit. I make the impulsive decision to ask the question that scares me. How real were the words she spoke while sick? “Do you want Declan to be your dad?”
She nods her head, just barely, and I choke back a sob. I have no idea what to say about her confession, so I just smooth her hair.
“I miss him,” she admits.
“You saw him this morning.” She shrugs, but her lips turn downward. I miss him, too. He belongs here with us . “ Did you want to talk to him?”
“Yes. Yes. Yes!” She bounces on my lap, and I groan as she elbows my stomach. I pull out my phone and call him. It rings twice before his face pops on the screen, and Nora screams. “Decy!”
“Nora!” The color has returned to his face, and his eyes sparkle. “Addie,” he purrs, sending the rumbling straight to my lower stomach. “How are my girls?”
My stomach flutters.
“I got a sticker on my math test today!” Nora says, “And Mommy said you’re going to get married.”
“What the fuck?!” I look into the camera at Declan, who is stifling a laugh. “She’s lying. She asked me if we were getting married, and I told her no!”
Declan’s face is beet red, and that’s what it takes for me to realize I’m an adult and this is not a logical response. Nora seizes the opportunity and runs over to her jar, stuffed with bills, thanks to our friends.
“Money!” she says, extending the mason jar.
“You can’t get money if the swear word originates because of a lie,” Declan says through the phone. Her nose scrunches. “You shouldn’t lie, Nora.”
“I’m sorry,” she pouts, crawling back into my lap. Her shoulders slump at his subtle discipline, and she burrows into my chest for comfort.
“It’s alright. Let’s just not do it again, okay?” His eyes soften, and he offers her a reassuring smile. “Why don’t you go get your pajamas on so I can talk to your mom?”
I help her off the couch, and when she’s out of earshot, Declan asks, “Are you alright?”
“It’s been a long day,” I admit.
I’ve flown through a million emotions today, and my brain is exhausted. Between the guilt and anxiety of Nora being sick yesterday, Declan getting the bug, our conversation, and the room for Nora in his home and her wanting him to be her dad, I’m beat.
There’s nothing left for me to process my own emotions.
“How can I help?”
I sit on the question. There’s only one thing I want. Him.
“C-Can you come over?”
He doesn’t hesitate. “I’ll be there in half an hour.”
Declan knocks on the door exactly thirty minutes later, a bag hanging off his shoulder and a king-size KitKat in his hand. I’m pulled into a tight hug, and when my muscles loosen, he releases me.
He helps me pick up the apartment, and when we slip into bed, he drags me against his chest.
Right before I drift off to sleep, I hear him whisper, “I would choose you and Nora in every lifetime.”