Page 20

Little Things – One Direction

Addie

T he rush of water jolts me awake, and I scramble upright. My first thought is that Nora is in the kitchen, and last time she was left unsupervised, she flooded the floor because she couldn’t reach the faucet to turn the water off.

I take a breath as my sleep-rattled mind catches up.

Nora’s not here to flood the apartment.

The water shuts off, and the door to the bathroom cracks open, steam pouring into the bedroom. Declan saunters out with a towel wrapped around his waist.

My mouth dries at the sight of him, his muscles rippling as he works his way around the room to his duffel bag. His shoulders undulate as he digs through his bag, and I track a water droplet that travels along his spine.

So. Fucking. Hot.

The bright pink towel wrapped around his hips pulls a small smile to the surface, and I pull my knees to my chest, content to watch him get ready for the day.

I’ve always been nervous to let anyone into my life—into Nora’s life—in fear it will create imbalance, or we’ll grow attached and everything will change. I don’t want Nora to ever experience the pain of having someone you love leave you.

But, as Declan moves around the room, it’s easy to imagine how he would fit into our lives. Dinner after work. Dishes. Putting Nora to bed. Falling asleep beside each other.

It’s not a life I’ve ever allowed myself to imagine, because I know if I let myself dream, I’ll be crushed in the end.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared and unsure, but past all the uncertainty, I had allowed myself to form an image of what our lives would look like. Holidays at my parent's house where Nora would rip open presents on Christmas morning. Sleepovers with her grandparents. Teammates who would turn into family and become Nora’s metaphorical aunts.

I gave myself the space to dream, and reality squashed it with brutal efficiency.

I haven’t let myself dream since.

But Nora, she’s a dreamer. One with a grand imagination and wild hopes. She dreams of amusement parks and dinner with princesses. Riding the rides and eating a fun-shaped pretzel. She wants to be a princess, and an astronaut. An artist, and a baker.

There’s no dream too far-fetched for my daughter.

I’ve learned to make her dreams my own.

I’m afraid I’m beginning to hope again for myself. And I’m terrified the rug may be pulled out from under me.

“What are you thinking about?” Declan asks softly, brushing a strand of hair away from my face.

He’s impeccably in tune with other people's emotions. I’ve begun to wonder if it’s a natural trait or something he was forced to learn growing up at the whim of the system, moving between foster homes and group homes. What did he have to learn in order to survive?

“Dreams,” I admit. His head tilts. “When you were a kid, what did you dream about?”

The shift in his demeanor is instantaneous, and he releases a deep sigh, sitting at the edge of the bed. He rests a hand on my knee, but he faces away from me, like it’s too difficult to face me and speak at the same time.

“Family. Being part of one,” he whispers, “A mom and dad. A dog and a backyard. A room of my own. I wanted what the kids at school had.” I rest a hand atop his, tears brimming in my eyes. “I was a safe haven baby. And by some stroke of bad luck, I was never adopted as an infant. An older couple took care of me for a long time, but I wasn’t their child. They cared for me, but they didn’t love me. The husband got sick right before I turned twelve, and then I was placed into a group home. But I never stopped wishing for a family. ”

“Your football coach?” I ask, hoping with every fiber of my being that he found that family with him.

“Alan.” He sighs, the sound long and heavy. “He was my—” He chokes on the word, “Dad. In every way that matters, he was my dad.”

The pain and grief etched on his features is like a knife sliding between my ribcage. I rise on my knees and wrap my arms around his shoulders, and they shake with suppressed tears.

“I never called him that. I wanted to. Never knew if I could. Now that he’s gone, it’s my one regret; that he never knew he was a dad to me.”

“He knew,” I say with certainty, the declaration burying itself into my soul. “He knew how much you loved him.”

Declan drops his head onto my shoulder, and we exist in the silence. He reaches a hand up and clasps a palm around my wrist, thumb swiping against the inside of my wrist. He smells like a cocktail on a beach—coconut and mango—and a kernel of warmth settles beneath my diaphragm.

“What did you dream about?” he asks.

“The Olympics.” He’s the only person I’ve ever admitted this to. I’ve never regretted my choice, but I have grieved that dream, and all I lost. “I wanted to be an Olympian. Now, my dream is to be a good mom.”

He finally looks at me then, and the concern in his gaze is jarring. “Let your dreams be your own, Addie. You are a good mother. But that’s not a dream. A dream is something you hold onto tightly in the darkness, and it helps guide you back to the light.”

The words slam into my chest more forcefully than he intended. “What’s your dream, then?”

His deep blue eyes sparkle. “A family. A house full of love and drawings on the wall. Picnics in the park and weeknight dates. Family dinners with friends, and summers spent exploring.” The air is snatched from my lungs, and he reaches out and drags his thumb across the seam of my lips. “Never stop dreaming, Adeline. Because you never know when life is going to guide you toward exactly what you’ve been hoping for.”

My heart thuds in my chest, his words growing roots like an old sycamore in my chest. He’s quiet again, lost in thought, and dreams begin to form on the tree like sweet fruit.

A dream of the life Declan described.

“What are you and Nora doing today?” he asks, ending the moment.

“Nothing planned. Why?”

“Would you like to go to the aquarium with me? I’ve always wanted to go, but never had a reason.”

His expression is so open and honest, and for a split second, I can see the boy who wished on a shooting star for a family.

“We’d love that.”

His smile shines like the first rays of dawn. “Well, let's go save Henry and Sawyer. He texted me an hour ago and said she’s making a strong case for Pizza Rolls for breakfast.”

My smile falls. “Get ready quickly. They’re not going to win that battle.”

“Where are we going?” Nora asks for the fourth time in five minutes.

“Home, if you keep asking that question,” Declan responds, exasperated. He gives me a look while he drives, and then rests his hand on my thigh. My muscles jerk, and the corner of his lip tilts up.

“Are you kidnapping me?”

I whip my head around and Declan smothers a laugh. “What? No. Why would you think that?”

“You won’t tell me where you’re taking me.”

“Because it’s supposed to be a surprise,” I say gently, though I can feel my eye twitching from the suppressed annoyance.

I love my daughter to death, but right now she’s incredibly annoying.

Nora’s face scrunches, but she relents and picks up her sticker book, flipping through the pages like a woman beneath a dryer chair at a hair salon. Her wrist flicks with subtle annoyance, and I spin back around and silently scream into my palms.

Declan peels my hands away from my face and places a gentle kiss on the back of my hand. “Open the center console,” he says, pulling into the parking structure for the aquarium. I lift the dark leather, and a Kit Kat sits on top of issues and hard candy. “Take a breath.”

I force a large gulp of air into my lungs and then slowly pull the candy bar out, using the console as a barrier so Nora can’t see the candy. Declan turns up the music as the wrapper rustles, and gives a quick wink when Nora starts to sing to How Far I’ll Go from Moana.

The Kit Kat is inhaled in two quick bites, and the frayed edges of my patience begin to weave back together.

Declan parks the car and hops out to help Nora out of her booster seat—the seat he had installed in his car in case he ever needed to drive Nora anywhere.

I never asked him to install one, but I won’t lie and say my heart didn’t do a small pitter-patter when we slipped into his car this morning.

“Where are we?” Nora asks, twirling the skirt of her bright blue dress.

Her hair is pulled back into two ponytails, and blue ribbons are tied around each with a perfect bow. She’s as cute as a button, and peers up at Declan with big, blue eyes like he hung the moon.

“The aquarium!”

She cheers, jumping up and down. “Let’s go. Let’s go. Let’s go!” Nora takes his hand and drags him toward the door. “C’mon, Mommy!”

She pauses at the passenger side door, but Declan steals her attention. “Mommy is going to meet us inside. We have to get tickets first.” My brows furrow, and Declan leans down to whisper in my ear. “Take five minutes for yourself. Decompress. Scream. Eat another Kit Kat. We’ll be in the lobby when you’re ready.”

He places the car keys into my palm and wraps my limp fingers around them and then guides Nora toward the entrance, holding her hand and listening as she chatters about sharks.

I slump back into the passenger seat, slightly dazed.

When’s the last time I’ve had a moment to myself where I didn’t have to do anything but exist?

Suppressed emotions bubble to the surface and I have to fight away the tears. Is that what it’s like to have a partner in life? Quiet moments to yourself to decompress without any guilt?

I demolish another candy bar and spend a few minutes scrolling through social media on my phone.

The fact Declan recognized I was overstimulated isn’t lost on me, nor is the fact he offered solutions and gave me space without any judgement.

After a few minutes, I find them inside, waiting by the entrance. Nora’s mouth moves a mile a minute, and Declan nods along to whatever she’s saying. His gaze lifts, and when he spots me, his smile transforms into a glorious sight. It overtakes his whole face, and I falter a step.

I’ve never seen a smile like that from him.

He and Nora meet me halfway, and he pulls me against his side and places a soft kiss on my forehead. “Feeling better?” he whispers, hand trailing along my waist in a soothing motion.

I nod, words lodged in my throat.

Gracefully, Nora saves me from any response. “I want one, too,” she demands, hands on her hips and lips downturned.

Declan gives me a befuddled look like I'm any help in translating her demand. He's on his own.

With immense softness, he asks, “What did you want?”

“A kiss.” She presses a finger to her forehead, brows crunched. “Mommy got one. I want one too.”

He looks at me with a surprised, bemused smile on his face, but waits until I incline my head. My heart races in my ears as he leans down and kisses the top of her head.Nora is quite pleased as she takes both of our hands, a satisfied smile on her face that she got what she wanted.

Declan and I share a look laced with affection, and I have to make a concerted effort to still my racing heart as we walk through the first part of the aquarium.

It’s impossible to deny my attraction to him, and the chemistry is off the charts, but it all pales in comparison to the way he treats me and Nora—like we’re the most precious things in his life. At least, it feels that way.

When Nora speaks, he offers her his full attention. He’s emotionally intelligent in a way I could have never anticipated. Self-aware enough to know he’s made mistakes and worked to make them right, but confident in who he is. Proud of his friends, and caring towards others.

He stops in front of a jellyfish tank with Nora and they watch them hover in the water, giggling when they hit each other. His head cranes over his shoulder and he offers me a smile full of warmth and affection.

We move on, and Nora gasps as the massive coral reef exhibit comes into view. She drags Declan by the hand to the front of the glass, and he picks her up and perches her on his waist. They point out a fish and giant clams lining the bottom.

Nora yells, “Shark!” when one swims in front of the glass, then laughs loudly when Declan jerks and startles her.

The bright light of the tank illuminates them into dark figures, and they each reach out a hand and place it on the glass. I scramble for my phone to capture the moment, and as I snap the photo, Declan turns and waves.

He looks like a man whose dream is turning into reality.

Nora steals his attention again, and I make the photo my screensaver.

It starts a tiny kernel beside my heart, but the longer I watch Nora and Declan interact through the aquarium, the larger the longing grows until it’s a heavy presence on my chest.

I want this to last forever.

“Mommy, look, it’s Nemo!” Nora points to a soft pink sea anemone, and clownfish dart in and out. “And Dory!” she yells again when a blue tang swims by the glass.

I smile brightly at my daughter and allow her to take my hand and lead me toward the next exhibit. There are sea otters and tufted puffins, and Declan spends ten minutes taking photos of the birds.

“They’re fucking adorable,” he admits, blanching when he catches his words. Nora misses the swearing, and he sighs in relief.

Dramatic, but warranted.

We work through the rest of the aquarium, and when we make it to the gift shop, it’s like Christmas morning. Nora runs over to the stuffed animal display and pulls out a fluffy sea otter.

“Can I please get this?” she asks, batting her eyelashes at me. “I’ll be so good.” I choke on a laugh. My answer doesn’t come quickly enough, so she spins to Declan. “I promise to keep my room clean,” she says to him, which is a big, fat lie.

We exchange a silent look over her head.

“You can get one toy,” I decide, and Nora cheers, clutching the stuffed animal to her chest. “Since this isn’t a toy, does that mean I can get this and also a Lego Set?”

“You’re pushing your luck,” Declan advises her.

“This is good!” She runs to the checkout counter, and Declan steps behind her to pay. I try to hip check him out of the way and wave my card around the machine but it’s futile. He hands the cashier his card, and hip checks me right back.

I ricochet, and his laughter fills the air as Nora clings to her new toy and walks proudly out of the aquarium. He interlaces our hands as we walk back to the car and helps Nora climb into his SUV and buckle her seatbelt.

Her arms wrap around his shoulders as he secures the buckle.

“This was the best day ever, Decy,” she mumbles.

He pulls away, and his eyes glisten with emotion. The door falls shut, and I rub his back. “Best day ever,” I confirm, trying to banish whatever rogue thought caused his face to crumple. I pull him to the back of the car where Nora can’t see, and press a gentle kiss to his lips.

It’s short, but sweet, and when he opens his eyes, they’re a bit lighter.

“Did you enjoy the aquarium?” I ask, trailing a hand along his jaw.

He tilts his jaw, stubble scratching my palm as he sinks into the touch. “Best day ever.”