FIVE

Liam

“Are you ready?” I ask.

“Am I scared? If that’s the question, then yes,” Gabriel says as he sits in my passenger seat while I hold a blindfold out. His demonic cat, who I’ve dubbed Lucy Fur, sits on his lap, tail twitching, hatred in her eyes.

“Shhhh, don’t be scared.”

“How the hell could I not be scared? The last time you surprised me, you cut off a man’s finger! The time before that, I walked in on you murdering a guy! Your surprises kind of suck.”

“If I promise there will be no dead bodies or body parts not connected to their original body, will you let me blindfold you?”

“So romantic,” he says as I tug the blindfold over his eyes. And then as I peer at the man patiently waiting for me, I realize that I want to eat him up.

“You’re so fucking cute.” I crawl halfway across the middle console and grab his face in my hands so I can kiss him as Lucy Fur bats at me because her owner can’t see the hatred she spills out onto the innocent.

“Is it ‘cute’ or naive that I’m trusting you?” he asks.

“Super cute. Everything you do is the absolute cutest.”

“And why’s Lucille coming?”

“To lap up the blood of our enemies.”

“Ha. Ha. Funny. I thought you said there would be no missing body parts?”

“One doesn’t have to miss a body part to bleed,” I assure him.

I start driving as he pets his cat and probably considers how amazing this secret must be. Really… I outdid myself. I mean… he has to love it, right? He’s not going to think it’s too much, and then decide that I’ve fucked up because he feels smothered, and get rid of me… right?

As I stop at a stoplight, I quickly text the only person I can think of to annoy.

Me: Let’s say… hypothetically, you were dating someone for about a month, which is hilarious because we all know no one would date you for that long. But say you bought them something… large… is it too much?

Matthew: First, I hate tainting my day off by speaking to you. Second, what the fuck did you buy? Like if you got Gabriel a watch or something, I’m sure he’d love it. If it was like a car, it might be a bit much. Now promise me you won’t ever ask me for advice again.

Me: What if it was bigger than a car?

Matthew: What the fuck is bigger than a car? A truck?

“Why are you weirdly silent all of a sudden?” Gabriel asks. “Why isn’t the car moving?”

“Just… amping up the surprise.”

Me: It rhymes with mouse.

Matthew: I sure as fuck hope it’s a blouse and not a house. Who the fuck buys someone a house? Why are you so strange? How the fuck did you snag someone as sweet as Gabriel? Are you blackmailing him?

I toss the phone, deciding that Matthew is a fucking idiot who knows nothing.

I pull up to the house and put the car in park.

“Can I take the blindfold off now?”

“Gabriel.”

“Yes?”

“I might have fucked up.”

Gabriel’s blindfolded head snaps over to me. “Oh, fucking hell, it’s really concerning when you fuck up, Liam. You never fuck up. Oh no. Oh shit. Should we run?”

I hesitate. “You’re right. I don’t ever fuck up. Matthew’s the idiot here, not me.”

And then I confidently get out of the car and come around to his door. I pull it open and draw him out before sliding the blindfold off. I even toss in some hand motions in a “Wowee this isn’t too much, this is the right amount of much” way. I’m not quite sure it’s working.

Gabriel’s quiet for a moment as he takes it all in. “What… is… this?”

“This is what one would call a house.”

“I see that. It’s a very beautiful house.”

“You think so?” I ask, feeling like I’m at least on the right track.

“Uh… yeah, it’s gorgeous. And looks very expensive.”

“It’s in a very good location too. Like that bookstore you love is, oh… a quarter of a mile walk.”

“Oh wow. That is a good location.”

“See? You love it. Matthew is an idiot.”

Gabriel hesitates and looks over at me. “Explain this in simple terms so I can ultra understand. Whose house is this?”

“Youuuur… mine? My house. Definitely my house. I bought it for myself and definitely not for you. I bought it for me to live in, and I hired people who are going to build a catio on the side because I’ve always wanted to sit in one by myself to feel what it’d be like to be closer to Satan.”

“You… bought a new house?”

“I didn’t like my old one. It was haunted.”

“Haunted, huh?”

“Sure as fuck was. Terrified me. I lay awake every night as that ghost spooned me, and I felt ridiculously uncomfortable now that I’m in a relationship with you. I didn’t want you to get jealous.”

“Just so I’m understanding this. You… bought me a house, realized very last minute that it was maybe a bit much, and are now playing it off like ghosts have driven you out of your home so you needed a new one?”

“That is correct,” I say. “But the real question is… does it turn you on?”

Gabriel laughs as he shakes his head. “Liam… I don’t even know what to say or do.”

“You say ‘I want to see inside your new unhaunted house.’”

“I sure do. This is really nice and fancy. And look at those windows. Is that a bay window?”

“It’s like a little nook for reading, and you can look out into the yard. There’s a state-of-the-art security system in place as well.”

“Yeah?”

“So even if I’m not here, you will always feel safe.”

“That would be nice.”

“Do you want to see inside or do you want to run home?”

“I mean… it’s rather cold out and I’m not much of a runner. And Lucille said she wants to check it out.”

“Of course she does. She can pick where she wants the catio.”

“I do not need a freaking catio. And this… this doesn’t mean I’m moving in.”

“My god, you’re a hard sell.”

“I can be much harder.”

“Oh? Sounds sexy.”

He laughs again and shoos me away. “Alright, Mr. I’m Not Rushing Anything but I Bought a House.”

I lead him over to the front door. Though I’m waiting on things to finalize, I do have permission to be in the house to show Gabriel. The realtor is waiting in her car in the driveway while I show Gabriel around, so we can’t linger too terribly long.

I pull open the door and wave him inside.

“After you.”

“Did you buy a house because I said I liked the size of yours and the location of mine?”

“Absolutely not. You see, what happened was I was walking down the street, and this woman was like ‘You look like a sucker,’ and then she told me if I didn’t purchase her house, she was going to mug me. My face is far too pretty to be involved in a mugging.”

“Ah yes, all of that is like… one hundred percent facts, I’m sure,” Gabriel says as he looks around the foyer that leads into an open plan kitchen/living room. “Oh, it’s so nice. I don’t even want to know what this cost. Look at how fancy everything is. And that huge glass door leading to the backyard… and the bay window…”

He sets Lucy Fur down, who sets to work on scrutinizing the place. “Four bedrooms?”

“Yeah. Lucy Fur can have her own for her demon worshiping and sacrifices.”

“She doesn’t do sacrifices or demon worshiping, do you, Lucille?”

The cat is too busy sharpening her claws on the wallpaper to answer.

“Oh my god, Lucille, no. That probably cost like a hundred dollars per strip,” Gabriel says as he rushes over. She hops away and scurries off, surely to go find something else to destroy.

“Have you ever told that cat no before? We should write it in her baby book; I’m sure you have one. ‘On this very day of this very month, Lucy Fur was told no for the first time in her hate-filled life.”

“Strangely, I never seem to tell you no either,” he says as he eyes me.

“What the hell are you talking about? You’re telling me no to all of my hopes and dreams.” I gesture at the house, which I think is an excellent example.

“I never said no; I said you needed to have patience.”

I grumble about that stupid idea.

“When do you get the keys?”

“Shortly. Everything is almost finalized. They’re just waiting for a few things to go through. You’d be surprised how quickly people get you things when you have money or you blackmail them.”

“Or you could have patience. And I hope the blackmail was a joke.”

“Stop using that P word, Gabriel. It makes me feel disgusting inside. There’s a different P word that I can get behind, though. It’s penis.”

“Ah, I apologize for ruining your life with such a heinous word. And thank you for letting me know which P word you prefer.”

I show him the rest of the rooms, including the large master bedroom with an attached bathroom featuring a shower and a huge tub.

“Is this a bit too much?” I ask. “Or possibly not enough?”

“How could a house for our one-month anniversary possibly be too much? If anything… I’m a little disappointed. I thought you’d at least get me a car and a boat and a ring, but all you got me was this measly house.”

“I hear your sarcasm… but I’m going to pretend I don’t and roll with it. What kind of car do you want? And I thought you got seasick, but if you want a boat, even if you’re never going to use it, I’ll get you the best one I can find.”

“You are beyond ridiculous. Do not buy me any of those things, you hear me?”

“I’m just going to have to do other things to make my home more appealing so you won’t ever want to leave.”

“You realize that the only thing I care about that’s in the home is you, right? I don’t need a fancy kitchen or four gigantic bedrooms or a massive tub that looks really nice. I just need you.”

“You probably could have told me that before I bought all of that stuff,” I tease.

He laughs. “Weirdly, I didn’t think I had to.”

“Gabriel, I’m an easily confused man. You look at something and I assume you want to own it.”

“I look at a lot of things in a day. You can’t possibly buy them all for me.”

“I could try,” I assure him.

Gabriel swings his arms around my neck, hooking me and pulling me in. “You wild man, there’s never going to be a boring day if you’re in it, is there?”

“That’s my plan.”

My phone beeps, and I look down at it to see that Matthew has messaged me a URL.

Me: I’m assuming this is a virus or a link to your failed OnlyFans and refuse to click on it.

Matthew: Fucking hell, I just spent fifteen minutes looking up shit for you to do so you don’t scare Gabriel away because you’ve only become tolerable because of him. We’re all fearful he’s going to leave you if you tell him you bought him a goddamn house. It’s a cat café. Trust me, it’ll go over significantly better than a house. Abort the house thing. Abort.

Me: Well, joke’s on you, he loved the house.

Matthew: Oh, that poor man. That poor, poor man.

“Please block Matthew from ever messaging you,” I say as I decide I’ll block him after I check out this… cat café. It looks absolutely stupid. How the hell could it be better than a house ?

“Why? Was he showering you with too much kindness?” Gabriel teases.

“Definitely. Let’s go.”

“Where are we going now?”

“This was just an appetizer.”

Gabriel stares at me, and it’s quite a hard expression to read. “The… appetizer… was a house… oh noooooo. I think I have… a dentist appointment… sooo sad.”

“On a Sunday?”

“Yeah… Like… you know. Teeth.”

“Teeth?”

“Yep. Teeth.”

I drag him and his cat out, and after dropping Lucy Fur off at his house, I head toward the main event.

“I mean… after a whole house, I feel like anything less than like… a private island is going to feel disappointing,” Gabriel says with much sarcasm.

“Don’t tempt me,” I warn him as I pull into the shopping center and park the car.

“Oh no… did you buy me the whole shopping center? Liam… it’s really too much. Did you put my name on the deed so if something happens to you it’s all mine?”

“I’m going to put your name on the deed of that diner and make it your problem if you don’t straighten up,” I say.

Gabriel starts laughing. “Honey… there’s a tobacco store in the shopping center. I don’t like the smell of tobacco. Can you make them leave?”

“I didn’t buy the damn shopping center!”

“Ooh, there’s a chocolate shop. Do you think now that we own them, I can coerce them into giving me discounts on chocolate? Or even free chocolate?”

“I didn’t buy the shopping center, and even if I had, I definitely wouldn’t be running it like some freaking mafia member!”

“I think I’d look cute in a fedora,” he says.

“I’m never buying you anything ever again.”

Gabriel gives me a mocking look of surprise. “NO! My love, you’re like Santa. I’ve always thought Santa was a bit sexy in a ‘grandpa I’d like to fuck’ way.”

“I’m never going to live this down. I should never have shown you the house. That’s it, I’m selling it.”

Gabriel gasps and even his gasp is sarcastic. “You can’t sell it! I already envisioned us having our mobster meetings in the living room!”

“Why are we in the mob now?”

“Because we’re going to buy up the whole city and make them give us discounts. You’ll be the brawn and the brain and I’ll just be the sugar baby.”

I raise an eyebrow. “You are a pain in my ass and I’m going in this place alone.”

I hurry out, but Gabriel quickly catches up to me before hesitating when he sees where we are. “Oh my god… you’re taking me to a cat café? I’ve always wanted to go to one of these. This is so romantic.”

“Good, it definitely was my idea and my idea only. Matthew’s stupid idea was to buy the house,” I say, irritated that Matthew was right. Really, who even needs him? He’s pretty much just a waste of space like the rest of the humans—besides Gabriel, of course.

I hold the door open for Gabriel as he grins at me, feasting on my suffering.

Just inside, a woman wearing cat ears smiles at me, and I can already tell this interaction is going to be atrocious. “Good morning . I hope you’re ready for a puuuurrrfect day!”

Shoot me now.

“We want to stare at the Felis catus,” I say.

“How long would mew like to play in the cat room?”

Fucking hellllll.

“Do you have like a two-minute option? Even that’s pushing it. Thirty seconds tops?” I ask.

“An hour, please,” Gabriel says, sounding far too excited.

The woman gives him two thumbs up as I wonder what would possess her to enjoy her job this much. “I would also like you to know that all of the cats are from local shelters and every single one of them is waiting for their furrrrrr ever home! Here’s a little bio sheet!” When I try not to take it, she forces it into my hand.

“So these are the unwanted ones, I see,” I say.

Gabriel gives me a look and I just smile charmingly at him while I pay for an hour of feline torture as if we can’t stare at Lucy Fur for free. But Gabriel is thrilled, and it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. He’s like a little kid as he rushes into the room and looks around at the cats in various stages of napping. He quickly picks up a wand, and a lanky adolescent with black fur stands up and stretches before trotting over.

“Oh my god, this is so fun,” he enthuses as the cats begin to wander over to see what he’s up to.

As I sit down and watch, I realize that I could sit here all day just to enjoy the happiness on his face. It makes everything worth it… even letting Matthew be right for the first time in his miserable life.

“Come sit down here and play,” Gabriel says to me as he reaches over to one cat that clearly has absolutely no interest in getting out of its bed. Its face is so flat and scrunched up, it looks like it ran into a wall. It’s been shaved, probably to rid it of mats a former owner had neglected, so now its fur looks hideous with only tufts of hair around its head, feet, and the very end of its tail. It snubs its nose—like Gabriel’s touch could possibly not be the best thing on the planet—and twitches its tail in irritation, so Gabriel moves away from it.

“Oh, I’m enjoying every minute of watching,” I say, but he pats the ground until I submit and slide onto the ground next to him. He hands me a wand and urges me to play.

The cats ignore me as one climbs onto Gabriel’s lap, another rubs on him, and two more chase his wand.

“See? They treat me like that cat over there just treated you. With pure disdain.”

“It’s because of the look on your face. They can tell you’re a grump,” Gabriel says.

“I’m not grumpy, I’m loving watching you. I’m just not a cat whisperer like you are. I’m more of a human whisperer.”

He laughs far too hard at that. “I love how you can possibly pretend you’re good at dealing with humans. It’s cute.”

“Thank you,” I say. “It’s my gift to the human race.”

“Your ability to interact with them?” Gabriel asks, chuckling. I set the wand down and watch him. One of the kittens climbs his shirt and he laughs as he cradles it so it doesn’t roll down. I’m starting to wonder if an hour isn’t enough because I could sit here all day and enjoy this.

“What?” he asks, noticing me staring at him.

“Just loving you.”

He grins. “You’re so sappy, Mr. Tough Guy.”

“Only when you’re around.”

The grumpy cat that refused to let Gabriel pet it jumps down, and all the other cats startle and look over at it as it struts over to us. They return to begging Gabriel for attention as my man beams at the smooshed-face thing.

“Aww, were you feeling lonely? I knew you just needed to warm up to us a bit,” he coos as he reaches for the cat that bypasses his outstretched arm, climbs onto my lap, and lies like an ugly loaf.

“Get it off me,” I say.

“Oh my god, that is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!”

“It’s like acid soaking into my skin, Gabriel. Take it. Get it off.”

Instead of caring, Gabriel is instead taking pictures of my misery. The cat’s half-shaved tail whips back and forth. There’s only a tuft of hair on the end that somehow makes it look even more miserable.

“Gabriel, I took a bullet for you, and you won’t take this thing off my lap for me?”

“Oh my goodness!” the woman running the place says as she hurries in. “He never sits with customers. He never even lets me pet him! This is so darling! Oh, my heart. This just makes me so happy.”

Gabriel takes another picture of me and the atrocity on my lap, as though either of us look like we’re enjoying any part of this.

“Neither of us seem to be happy about this arrangement,” I complain as I realize the cat’s look of disgust likely mirrors my own.

“I don’t know, it’s really cute,” Gabriel says, looking more delighted about this than anything that’s happened so far today. I feel like I could have saved hundreds of thousands of dollars and just sat here in misery with this monster on my lap.

“He’s looking for his furrever home,” the woman says. “I was afraid he’d never get adopted because he just doesn’t like anyone who comes in. It’s fate.”

They’re acting like I’m the chosen one when all I’ve been chosen for is getting litter and fur on my lap. This benefits no one. If the cat wants to sit in a box all day and glower at the worms we call humans, then let him glower!

“My boss makes me rotate out the ones who don’t get adopted after a month, and his time is coming up soon. He’ll be sent back to the shelter where he’ll be looked over because of his cattitude.”

Gabriel is immediately suckered in by this. “Aww, that’s so sad. I’m sure it’s hard to home cats like him,” he says, and now suddenly my sweet darling has a sad look on his face. How could he go from being so happy to such distress? “That breaks my heart. Liam, did you hear how sad that is?”

How can my sweet Gabriel not tell that this is a business tactic? She’s playing with his heartstrings. There’s no way this cat has been here a month. His hair looks recently clipped, so my guess is a week at the most. He’s only endured one week of glowering and Gabriel is ready to ship him his life savings because the con man here has seen a sucker.

“You poor baby. That’s so sad. I can’t imagine how scary that is, going from a home where you were neglected to a shelter. I just think about how sad Lucille is being away from me during the workday, and then can you imagine something like this happening to her? No one would have any idea how wonderful she is because she’s so shy around new people.”

Is drawing blood, biting, and looks of hatred “shy”? If so, I should just claim to be shy the next time Gabriel catches me killing someone.

The loaf of hatred starts purring for some reason. But it’s not a cute purr. It sounds like a chainsaw that hasn’t been run in twenty-five years.

“He’s purring ,” Gabriel gasps out. “Oh, Liam. My heart.” He looks absolutely dejected thinking about the “tragedy” that will fall on this cat.

“I’ll take him,” I say.

Gabriel’s head snaps to me as I realize with absolute horror what just came out of my mouth.

“Oh, how delightful . How furrtastic!” the woman says, and off she runs before I can take it all back. What the fuck have I done? I don’t want this thing! The very last thing I’ve ever wanted is a cat . Lucy Fur is enough, and I only put up with her because she delights Gabriel.

Gabriel is beaming, he’s so happy. “Liam… is there a heart in there?”

“It was a mistake. I’ve made a mistake,” I hiss.

“Listen to those purrs .”

“It sounds like it’s dying. Those purrs are the purrs of a cat that’s used all nine of its nine lives.”

“I just… I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything so cute in my life. Look! There’s a little bio about him!” Gabriel says as he grabs the card the woman gave us when we came in. “He’s two years old.”

“Oh my god, he’s in the prime of his life and already this ugly?” I ask. “I thought for sure he was at least eighteen and had three paws in the grave. What have I done?”

“You’re going to be such a wonderful cat dad,” Gabriel says.

I stare at Gabriel who is all smiles. He’s delighted. Beyond delighted. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him so happy. He starts laughing and doubles over as he looks at me.

“Your face, Liam. Your face. Oh my god, this is the best day ever.”

“As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

“And so is your new cat.”

“Oh joy,” I say dryly.