Page 15

FIFTEEN

Liam

What the fuck have I done?

I’m not sure I’d have stopped if Gabriel hadn’t made me. There was so much rage, so many uncontrollable emotions seeing the way he hurt Gabriel. It was like I was blinded to everything else. Nothing else mattered. Am I losing my fucking mind? I would never be that sloppy. I would never be that careless. And now twice in the same fucking week? What is happening to me?

I rush into the bathroom and slam the door shut, locking it before I start to pace the small area.

It’s like everything is unravelling around me. I’ve fallen in too deep, and I don’t know how the fuck to get out. What is making me like this? Is it Gabriel? Is Gabriel the reason I’m falling apart?

My hands are coated in Davey’s blood, my knuckles split by the impact of hitting his face. If I concentrate hard enough, I can still remember the euphoria I felt when I was pummeling that man… when I was protecting what I hold dearest.

I hurry to the sink and turn the water on then start scrubbing my hands as hard as I can. I scrub and scrub but the blood keeps coming. It doesn’t matter how hard I scrub; more blood fills the sink.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”

What the fuck am I doing? I can’t be with Gabriel. I can’t be with someone like him. I’m going to ruin him. I’m going to destroy him. He’s going to leave me, and I’m going to lose my fucking mind. I’m going to tear the world apart because without him, I am nothing. The only thing that drives me is my next kill. The only thing that keeps me moving is watching the monsters who lurk in the dark. But now that I’m with him… I realize that I’m one of those monsters.

I smack the water off, but when I do, I splash bloody water onto the mirror.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I sink down, dropping to my knees in front of the vanity as I realize that I don’t even remember how to breathe. Has breathing always been this hard? Can I even breathe without a reason to? If Gabriel leaves me, is that it? Is there anything in this world left for a monster like me?

He’s going to leave me. He’s going to realize that I am the worst kind of monster there is. I’m deceiving, self-centered, and toxic.

There’s a soft knock on the door before I hear Gabriel’s gentle voice. “Liam, can I come in?”

Have I already destroyed him? How could he still show me kindness after realizing what I am? Realizing what I’ve done and what I’m going to keep doing… He has no fucking idea that if Davey walked up tomorrow, I would do the same thing again. I would make him hurt. I would make him bleed. I would annihilate him so he could never touch my sweet Gabriel again. But that’s not right.

I might not comprehend much about what other people think, but I know that much.

“Liam, please open the door,” Gabriel says as he jiggles the doorknob. “Come on, Liam. Please?”

Why did I run into his house? I need to run out. I need to go home. I need to cut everything off. I need to get away.

I bury my head in my hands, pulling at my hair as these horrible thoughts race around my mind. I’ll tell him I can’t do it, that this was a horrible idea. I’ll tell him that people like him don’t deserve people like me.

The knob jiggles a moment before the door pushes inward, telling me he has a key to open it. Entering, he rushes over to me. I can tell he’s going to kneel in front of me, but I can’t let him do that.

I have to make him stop.

Grabbing his legs, I wrap my arms around them so he can’t drop down, but now that I’m holding on to him, I don’t know how to let go. My fingers dig into the back of his legs, desperate to hold on. I feel like this right here… this is the only way I’ll keep myself from drowning. But at what cost? Is it worth it if I end up drowning him in the end?

“I have to go,” I whisper, feeling his fingers gently wind through my hair.

“No, you don’t. Spend the night.”

“No. For good. I have to go. I can’t do this. I can’t hurt you.”

Gabriel’s grip on my hair tightens. “How the fuck did you hurt me, Liam? You protected me.”

“You don’t understand how much I wanted to make him hurt. I wanted him to bleed. I wanted him to feel pain. I wanted him to suffer for hurting you. People like you don’t think things like that. You fight to protect, but you don’t enjoy it like I do. I feel like I have no purpose without you. I feel like I don’t know how to breathe without you. I feel like I would kill everyone for you.”

He wraps his arm around my head, pinning it against him as I realize his hand is shaking. I’ve done this to him. I’ve hurt him. And I’m afraid I’m going to keep hurting him. So that’s why I need to back away while I still can.

“I know,” he whispers. “Liam, I know. I know you as well as you know yourself. I know that if I hadn’t stopped you… that you might not have stopped. And that scares me?—”

I try to pull away. “I need to go. I can’t do this. I can’t scare you?—”

“Liam, listen. That scares me because I’m afraid of what might happen to you. I’m not scared of you, Liam. I’m scared that they could have faulted you for that. I’m scared that you could get caught or found out. I’m not afraid of you. Do you really think I don’t know you at this point? I know you and I’m willing to accept you.”

“But at what fucking cost?” I ask. “How much of yourself will you give up for me?”

“I would give it all up for you, like you’re willing to give it all up for me.”

“It’s different,” I say.

Gabriel pulls my head back, grabbing my face in his hands as he looks down at me. “What is different? Tell me what’s different? Why can’t I give up anything?—”

“Because you’re perfect the way you are. Because I don’t want you to change, especially for someone like me. Because I don’t know how to care for people or love people besides you. You are the only exception.”

“You say that, Liam, but I already see changes in you. I’m well aware you spend most of your life delivering words and actions in a way that keeps others at bay while still fitting in. But you do know how to open up to others. You care about things or you wouldn’t be so upset right now.”

I tear my eyes from his and shake my head. “No. The only thing I care about is you.”

“Then why do you want to push me away?” he asks.

“I have to!”

“You don’t have to. You just have to keep loving me, do you understand?”

I glance up and catch him intently staring down at me.

“Liam, this isn’t a fucking choice, do you get that? If you walk out that door, I will destroy you. I know about your dirty little secrets. So if you want to play this game, I’ll play it. You leave me for selfish reasons, I’ll make sure you can’t go anywhere.”

His hands tighten on my face, and I find the possessiveness soothing, like it’s calming me. It’s making me see reason again. It’s making me realize that I can’t keep going without him.

Gabriel slowly drops to his knees in front of me as he tips my head up to maintain eye contact. Since he’s up on his knees and my ass is on the floor, he’s still hovering over me. “I’m not letting you go anywhere. I’m not letting you leave me, do you understand?”

I don’t even know what to say. I don’t know what’s right, though I sure know what’s wrong. But I still want it. I want it more than anything.

“Liam?”

“I love you,” I whisper.

“You better. You promised to give me the world, but if you aren’t in my world, I don’t want it,” Gabriel says. “Do you understand?”

I nod. “I do… I promise. Anything you want, I’ll give it to you.”

“So then you better not leave me.”

“I won’t. I won’t leave you. I won’t make you regret choosing me. I won’t make you regret giving up everything for me.”

“I’m not giving everything up for you. You act like it’s a hardship, but it’s not. This is what I want. I want you. I need you,” he says, voice desperate. “Do you understand that? You can’t just… rock my whole world and then run away.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not running away. I won’t run away.”

“If you ever try, I will find you. I will make you pay for leaving me behind. You’re mine and I’m really greedy, Liam. I try not to be. I try to be nice and kind and caring and everyone thinks I’m selfless, so let me be selfish for once.”

“You are literally perfect in every way, and I’m so afraid I will ruin that.”

“Maybe in front of everyone else I can pretend to be, but I don’t want to ever have to pretend to be anything in front of you. You are mine. Every part of you. And I’ve accepted that. I’ve accepted everything about you.” He lets go of my head to pick up my hands. “What the hell did you do to your hands? Why would you rub at your split knuckles until they bled like this?”

Gabriel holds my hands between us as he looks at the broken skin in frustration.

“Don’t upset me like this. Don’t ever hurt yourself.” He lets go of my hands, so I tuck my head against him. His fingers sink into my hair a moment before he pulls my head back and kisses me feverishly. “You promised to hand me the world. I better get the fucking world.”

“You will. With a bow on top.”

His mouth meets mine again, his lips capturing me as he willingly lets me draw him into the darkness of my life.

Gabriel’s so perfect that I can’t fathom ever letting him go… no… I’ll never let him go. I will do anything and everything for this man as long as he lets me.