Page 23 of A Crown of Tears and Treason (The Curse of Silver Secrets and Cruel Shadows #1)

Chapter

Twenty-Three

EVIE

“ T hank you for protecting my people.” Zandyr’s rough voice reverberated through my bedroom.

I was alone with Zandyr once again.

My body ached too much to fret over it. Whatever that gush of magic had been, it had drained and pummeled every fiber of me.

Zandyr had offered to carry me back to my house, but that had been a hard no. With those rumors swirling around, the last thing I needed was for someone to see me weak.

I hadn’t counted on him silently stalking beside me, though, like a sentry.

Then following me up to my room, a constant cloud of wrath.

He still stared at the door, his back to me, unmoving.

He’d mercifully shrugged on a robe; at least those well-defined muscles of his back wouldn’t torture me in this state. Once he turned and his abdomen would be on full display…

“I’m Protectorate.” I collapsed onto the bed, staring at the web of sculpted beams on my ceiling. The sweaty clothes were molded to my skin. I needed to change and bathe, but, for the life of me, I couldn’t move. “Protecting people is what we do.”

“For your own,” he rumbled.

Yes, we could be a selfish bunch. But not always. “And for those who need it. In a few short weeks, those people in the temple will be mine, too.”

Fury rolled off him. He had his hands clasped behind his back, fingers twisted so firmly, the grip looked painful.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

Drained. Beaten. Burnt out. “Tired,” was all I said.

He nodded at the door, then turned. Anger pulled at his narrowed eyes and lips. He looked dangerous. Dangerous and pissed-off.

“Have you lost your mind?” he asked in an icy tone that skittered down my spine.

“No, but you must’ve lost yours if you think I regret doing that.”

He took a thunderous step toward me. “This is not a joke.”

“I’m not laughing.”

“You could have died .” The composure in his voice cracked, anger seeping out. And something else, an emotion I was in no state to detect right now.

“Wait.” I struggled to stand up in bed, surprised. My heartbeat drummed in my ears. “You’re worried about me ?”

“Who else? Adara, who took down twenty Serpents without breaking a sweat? Kaya, who Vexa would die protecting? Goose and Leesa, who’ve grown up on these streets and know every nook?” Each question brought him closer to the bed, until he stood at the edge, looking down at me. “Or the stranger who can’t fight against assassins and who I’ve warned against going outside the palace grounds unescorted in what she calls enemy territory ?”

“I’m sorry.”

Zandyr stiffened. His eyes narrowed suspiciously. “What?”

I rolled my eyes, standing up on shaky legs. Even upright, Zandyr towered over me. “I said I’m sorry. Not because it pissed you off. But I need to apologize. To Adara, Kaya, Vexa, Leesa, and Goose. I suggested we all go donate the food. I put them in danger.”

A small part of me whispered that it was good we’d gone down to the docks and survived as a group. Leesa and Goose had wanted to go alone, with whatever food only the two of them could carry. Who knew what could have happened in the chaos.

All I’d wanted was to help. A simple delivery to prevent anyone else from being forced to count their protruding ribs while falling asleep like I had. But what if Adara had been hit while fighting? What if Kaya had tripped and had been stomped to death?

“You snuck out to bring food?” Zandyr asked, incredulous.

“Yes.” I squared my shoulders. “I found out about your evacuation plan.”

“From who?”

“What matters is that I didn’t hear it from you .” My words shook with accusation. “How could you keep this from me? I’m as much to blame for the Serpents attacking as you are.”

“How could I keep something from you ?” Zandyr pulsed with fury. In the blink of an eye, he bridged the gap between us. We were only a breath away from each other, and his shadowy gaze rooted me to the spot. “You want to start talking about things we’ve hidden from each other?”

“Yes,” I hissed.

“Very well.” There was that jagged smirk again; it couldn’t bring anything good. “Let’s talk about how the first few words you’ve ever spoken to me were a lie.”

I shook my head, confused. “I didn’t lie.”

Zandyr’s smirk hardened. “You obliterated two Serpents. I stepped over their charred remains to get to you. Magic is drumming through you. I can smell it.”

My shoulders deflated.

I had. I’d seen what my power had done to them, the husks they’d turned into. There was an echo of guilt in the back of my mind, both for them and the three who had been sticking out from underneath the bell in a tangle of limbs frozen at grim angles.

But I’d also caught glimpses of the children escorted out of the temple with gentle, hushed encouragements. I’d heard the elders’ canes clinking away.

I truly didn’t regret it. Either I stopped the attackers hungry for blood or they murdered innocent civilians.

That didn’t mean their deaths hadn’t left a scar on my soul.

They hadn’t been innocent.

Neither was I now.

Zandyr kept looking at me skeptically.

“I didn’t lie,” I repeated. “I can’t control whatever that is. It’s only the second time anything like this has happened.”

“It won’t be the last,” he said with absolute certainty. “That kind of power doesn’t lie dormant for long. They already want to kill you because of who you are. Don’t let them hunt you down for what you could do before you can command your magic enough to make them regret ever coming after you.”

“You think I planned this?” The kind of power I had could make me an even bigger target, I had to control it to protect myself and others. I tilted my chin up. “Why didn’t you tell me about the evacuation?”

“Because there was nothing you could do about it. Only I could give the order.”

True–and hurtful. I didn’t have power over this Clan I would lead in the future. At least not yet. “That doesn’t explain why you didn’t mention it.”

“Because I know what it’s like to want to act and be unable to.” His eyes burned into mine. “It haunts your dreams and your waking moments. You can’t look in the mirror without wanting to smash it just so you won’t see your reflection again. It eats you from the inside.”

The words were too harsh to not have a grain of experience behind them. How could the most powerful Clan heir in all of Malhaven feel powerless?

“Let it,” I said, unflinching. “You gave me the choice to come here. You want a strong queen. Don’t keep me in the dark. My parents tried that and failed. It. Does. Not. Work.”

He cursed under his breath, before fixing his gaze on me once more. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“You want to know everything?”

“ Yes .”

“Very well.” His lips thinned. “Two of the elders in the temple can’t see anymore.”

No .

My heart dropped. “What?”

“Our best healers are treating them. They will recover. But we don’t know when.” The muscles in his jaw tightened. “We need to be careful with our powers.”

My eyes dropped from his, moving erratically as if they could find another reality. Not this one, where I’d blinded two innocent people.

I took a shaky step back. Then another. And another, until my back hit the wall. All the guilt I’d been suppressing since that awful, horrible night roared through me.

My parents’ faces flashed before my eyes.

The blood.

The horrific glaze over their eyes.

The rigidity in their necks.

“I didn’t mean to,” I whispered. Or maybe I whimpered. I didn’t feel like myself. I didn’t feel . My limbs went cold, the numbness seeping into my soul. “I didn’t…I didn’t know. I didn’t mean to run away.”

I hadn’t even run away. I’d come back. But they’d still lost their lives.

I couldn’t hide anymore. The thought had festered in the back of my mind, but I hadn’t faced it head-on.

Until now.

I was the reason my parents had died.

I broke the warding spell.

If I had just listened to them, they would still be alive.

I’d have to carry that guilt for the rest of my life.

Zandyr’s shadow approached. Cautiously. I pressed my palms against the wall, trying to ground myself, as my lungs struggled to suck in air.

He placed his finger underneath my chin and tilted my head up gently. The ice in his gaze had thawed. “When did you run away, Evie?”

“Back in the mountains, right before they found me,” I whispered. I couldn’t hide anymore. “I walked past the wards. They found us and killed my parents. My parents are dead, Zandyr. Because of me. They’re dead.”

The words shook as they crawled up my throat and opened the deep, pulsing gash inside me.

No wound, no broken leg, no scar could ever hurt this much.

Now that it had been freed, my grief blazed through my entire body. It burned, harder and faster than when my power ignited.

Without saying a word, Zandyr reached out to the tray of food Goose had hastily brought in and picked up the bottle of wine. He grabbed my hand, fingers twisting with mine. The sudden, gentle touch dragged me from whatever depths of despair I’d hyperventilated to and jolted me back to reality.

This wasn’t a caress meant to find the truth. It was meant to bring comfort.

Slowly, he guided me toward the window overlooking the garden, washed in the crimson luster of the sunset. I let him.

“I don’t know the Protectorate rituals of mourning,” Zandyr said, voice gentle and smooth, all his fury vanished. “Here, we drink together. One for me.” He took a swig of the wine and tilted the bottle toward me. I grabbed it with shaky fingers and brought it to my lips. The sweet, tangy liquid coated my tongue, easing some of the burn in my throat.

“And one for those who have passed.” Zandyr tilted the bottle out the window. Once. Twice. Plum colored liquid splashed down onto the ground below, spraying the thick leaves.

My parents hadn’t been drinkers, at least not for as long as I knew them, and they would have hated seeing me next to Zandyr. But they’d appreciate being respected, even in this small way.

“I’m sorry about your parents,” Zandyr said, surprising me again. “But you didn’t kill them.”

“No, I didn’t.” I hadn’t been the one to incapacitate them and slit their throats. Gods knew what dark magic had been required to tame the great Mara and Falor Vegheara.

“No,” he said sternly. “You are not responsible for your parents’ deaths. It was not your fault.”

“I–” The lie could have slipped easily from my tongue. I know . That’s all I needed to say and get the focus off me and my mistakes and this deep, slashing guilt.

But right here, right now, after we promised only the truth, with the sweet evening breeze flowing through my hair, and Zandyr’s fingers still wrapped around mine, sending shivers up my arm and down my spine…I couldn’t. “I hope I’ll believe that one day.”

“From the little you have told me, I suggest you ask your cousins about how Protectorate warding spells work.”

I nodded, dread throbbing in my chest. It seemed ridiculous, but it felt easier to admit what I’d done to Zandyr than to my cousins. He hadn’t called them aunt and uncle and hadn’t ridden on their shoulders as a child.

The truth was finally out in the open.

I couldn’t hide it anymore–and I didn’t want to. If I knew how the wards worked, I could discover how the assassins had found me. With Fabrian, there was no revenge to be had anymore. His guts were fertilizing Santua Sirena.

But I wouldn’t rest until I found those three men.

“Parents are complicated creatures, aren’t they?” Zandyr went on. He was no longer looking at me, gaze roaming lazily over the back garden. “Some can have a very selfish kind of love.”

I nodded once more. My parents’ love had been exactly that. Selfish.

“You can hate and love them at the same time.” His voice lowered to a mutter, as if speaking to himself.

Did I hate my parents?

I knew I’d loved them at one point. I’d also resented the way they made me work for the crumbs of love they gave me. Even now, I felt ashamed because I didn’t admire the very ground they’d walked on, as they so stubbornly wanted me to.

I could finally breathe through all those wretched emotions.

Of not being good enough for them, detesting them for making me feel like that, and desperately wanting them to not see me as a burden.

“Mara and Falor Vegheara should not have had children,” I said in the stillness.

We both faced the night slowly descending on Phoenix Peak. Perhaps that’s what made these miserable words flow from us, pretending only the silent moon was our witness.

“Zavoya and Eldryan should not have been king and queen,” Zandyr said, shocking me. Right here, right now, he was committing treason. “They have too much power and didn’t use it when it mattered most. I won’t make the same mistake, especially when it comes to you.”

“I was protected to the point of madness. That is the mistake you need to prevent with me.”

He simply nodded.

Zandyr’s hold on my hand grounded me. The heartbeat in his fingers beat against mine, echoing each other.

“I married Fabrian to save my cousins,” I muttered. “And to get revenge for my parents’ deaths. I thought he’d sent the assassins who murdered my parents, but I should have known he wasn’t capable of such a complex plan. I don’t know who’s responsible, but I’ll find them.”

His grip tightened for the briefest moment. Then he loosened his fingers, thumb gently stroking my wrist.

“I came after you because no child of mine will suffer like I had to after a broken marriage alliance. They will not know the fear of being hunted down and unprotected, and I will make this world more peaceful before any of them will be born,” he said, and my heart ached for him. For the boy who’d suffered and for the man who’d risen from the ashes to become the fearsome Dragon. Who’d risked a Clan war to make sure he could protect his future family.

There it was.

The reality we couldn’t run away from.

I looked at our intertwined fingers. We both ended up here, together, to protect others. Our families, present and past.

But only I had done it for revenge as well.