Page 24 of A Bride for the Cruel Duke (Claimed by Regency Devils #1)

Chapter Twenty-Four

T here was a reason that Anthony had chosen to live a life of emotional unavailability. Most assumed he was born that way, the Cruel Duke who cared nothing for others and took pleasure from causing terror and misery in everyone he met. But this simply wasn’t true.

His mother was the reason. Having suffered through her sickness, forced to watch her wither and die while being able to do nothing about it had broken him. It had made him question what the point of investing emotionally in somebody else was. Why care for those who might suffer and hurt when there was nothing you could do by sit by and wait for the inevitable? What was to be gained from being in a situation like that? Nothing.

So, he closed himself off. He cut himself out from the world. He took on the persona of the Cruel Duke, accepting this as his fate because at least then he would never be in a situation like that of his mother’s again.

For a while there, it had worked, and he had been happy. So what if people feared him? So what if he was slowly becoming exactly what everyone said? At least that way he would never risk being hurt by anybody, just as he would never risk hurting them.

At least that had been the idea.

What had happened to Caroline just now made him question everything. Such a wonderful night, the first step toward a life he was truly looking forward to. Happiness. Love. Investing in another who he was finally willing to admit that he cared for—who cared for him just the same. It was a dream, too good to be true… because it was.

She was in her bedroom right now, recovering from a fall that hadn’t hurt her nearly as much as it might. That was what Anthony focused on the most. That she is only a little bruised and beaten is good news. News that I should feel thrilled by! Yet, typical me, I cannot escape the obvious downside…

He could still see the moment in his mind’s eye when she was flung from her horse. He could still hear the sound of her body hitting the earth. And he could still feel the pain in his chest, the fear which spread through his body, for those few seconds where he did not know if she was alive or dead.

Anthony had admitted to himself days ago that he was starting to fall for Caroline. And tonight, when they had made love in that glade, he had accepted that he loved her. For the first time since his mother had passed away, he cared for someone else. He allowed himself to be emotionally open and available, giving himself to them, his entire being concerned only with them and how they were feeling.

The smile on Caroline’s lips as they walked from the glade together. The laughter in her voice. The look in her eyes that told him how she felt. For those few moments, it was all worth it and Anthony was able to forget why he was this way. And then… the fall.

It was for this reason that Anthony paced outside of Caroline’s bedroom door, while refusing to go in. It had been this way all morning, well after what would have been an appropriate time to check on her and see how she felt.

He knew that he should go to her—that he should be with her. Dammit, he wanted to! He wanted to sit by her side and tell her that he was there for her always, that nothing had changed between them, and that nothing ever would. He needed her to know that none of this was her fault. Yet fear took him, that deep panic felt at what might have happened had things gone slightly differently. Worse than that, what would happen the next time if a similar happenstance was to occur?

Anthony had never thought himself to be a coward, but now he had little choice but to admit it. He loved Caroline, too much, and that had him questioning everything he thought he knew about what he wanted from this marriage.

Is a happy marriage worth the cost? What if I was right to wish for nothing more than peace and quiet? At least that way there would be nobody to love, and thus nobody to feel hurt by.

“Your Grace...” From down the hall, a member of staff appeared. “Is something the matter?”

“Mr. Jeffries.” Anthony straightened, pretending to look nonchalant and disinterested. “Good that you are here. I was just about to send for you.”

“Your Grace?” He started toward Anthony.

“I will be out for the remainder of the day,” he lied. “Meaning that I will not be able to watch over Her Grace’s recovery, as I would like to do. I leave her health in your hands, Mr. Jeffries...” A raised eyebrow and a stern look to emphasize the seriousness of the request. “I trust this will not be a problem.”

“Not at all.” Mr. Jeffries bowed deeply. “It shall be done.”

“Good.”

“May I inquire as to where you are going?” Mr. Jeffries then asked. “In case Her Grace asks me, of course.”

“Nowhere of consequence...” He turned to look at the closed bedroom door, knowing he should be in there right now with her, while knowing that he didn’t have it in him. To see her there, as broken and beaten down as she was, would only compound the feelings he held for her. Feelings that weakened him in ways he needed to escape. “Let her know that I am thinking of her, however. And that I will visit her this evening upon my return.”

“Your Grace.” Mr. Jeffries bowed again.

Anthony turned and strode down the hallway, determined to put as much distance between himself and his wife as he could. He yearned to go and see her. He wanted to let her know that he was there for her. But he feared what this might do to him, breaking him beyond what he already was.

I am weak. A coward, is what I am.

He left the manor after that, deciding on a horseback ride to clear his head and get his thoughts in order. This marriage was only ever meant to be a simple arrangement, one that had long since outlived its usefulness. Was it thus worth reinstating the initial parameters to keep Caroline at arm’s length? Or should he give in to how he felt and accept the reality of what his heart wished?Accepting both the good and the bad.

Anthony had no idea. Did he want love or did he want peace and quiet? He felt he could not have both and thus had to decide what was more important to him.

Regardless of my choice, I sense nothing is going to be the same going forward. Why oh why did I have to get married? And why oh why did it have to be to Caroline?