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He shook her off.

“Tell me,” he said. “Tell me when you cared about her.”

Jihoon’s mother finally faced him, her expression cool as a still lake. “My mother and I had a relationship long before you were born. You do not know how I have held her in my heart.”

“You speak of her as if she died months ago. She didn’t. She’s been alive this whole time. She still could be if you—” Jihoon’s words cut off, his breathing heavy. Miyoung laid a hand on his arm.

“I’d like to speak to my mother alone,” Jihoon said, his face deceptively calm.

Her need to respect his wants warred with her desire to comfort him. In the end, Miyoung stepped out of the room. She hoped she was doing the right thing.

66

“HALMEONI TOOK MEto be exorcised once,” Jihoon began conversationally.

His mother stared at him in surprise.

“She thought there was an evil spirit inside me, because after you left I wouldn’t eat or sleep. She didn’t realize it was because I was doing an exorcism of my own. I was extractingyou.

“But I was so caught up in how you made me feel that I never wondered if it affected Halmeoni.” His words became thick in his throat, but he still pushed them out. “She supported me and worried about me. And I didn’t do anything but punish her for it by never living up to what she wanted for me, just like you.”

His anger clogged his chest, and he gasped to pull in air. It felt like he was breathing mud. Leaning over, he tried to clear his throat. A fog rolled over his vision.

“Jihoon!” his mother shouted. “Jihoon-ah, answer me.”

He couldn’t, not even to tell her to leave him alone. He toppled over as his trembling legs gave out.

“Someone call a doctor. Help! My son can’t breathe!”

And with his mother’s cries ringing in his head, he passed out.

67

JIHOON WOKE SLOWLYto murmured voices.

The alcohol smell of disinfectant filled his nostrils, and he knew he was in the hospital.

“... must have been upset, it’s understandable with his halmeoni’s funeral, but this is the worst attack I’ve seen yet.” Jihoon almost didn’t recognize Dr. Choi’s voice. The neurologist must have thought it important to attend directly to Jihoon’s bedside.

“What are you trying to say about my son?” Jihoon’s mother asked.My son.His brain and heart latched on to the phrase.

“I didn’t think he would deteriorate so quickly. There is nothing wrong with him physically, but tests show his heart continues to get weaker. If this continues, it could be fatal.” The doctor didn’t mince words. Any other time Jihoon would have appreciated that.

When Dr. Choi left, Jihoon glanced at his mother. She stared at the door, hands clutched to her chest.

He wanted so badly to call out to her like he would have when he was three. Would she come to him? Would she comfort him? And would it only be out of pity because he was dying? The thought made it hard to breathe. Dying. He was dying. He blinked away tears before he spoke.

“You must be relieved to rid yourself of a burdensome son.” His voice sounded like the croak of a frog.

His mother spun around, her eyes wide as she realized he was awake. “Jihoon-ah.”

“Why didn’t you come before?” he asked, his voice a quiet plea. “Why did Halmeoni have to die before you came? You should have known I needed you. You’re my mother.”

“Jihoon-ah.” His name was a sob on her lip. Her grief should have bolstered him. Finally, proof that she cared and all he had to do was die. “I’m so sorry.”

“I just wanted you to be there for me,” Jihoon said. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” His body shook with tears. He was too weak to hold them back anymore.

His mother came to him now, her arms warm as they held him. And he finally felt his pride dissolve. He held tight to his mother for the first time since he was a little boy.