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This is my fifth time and I’m starting to believe I can’t do it.

When I open the phone again, I close my eyes and tap the screen aimlessly. One of the clumsy taps has to be the ‘send’ button. And I’m right because the answering notification sound I get right away unlocks a noise in my throat I don’t know I’m capable of making.

With one eye open, I read the only messages on the screen.

Me: Why did you reach out to me? After all this time? This is Delilah

704-555-8851: Delilah. You don’t know how good it is to hear from you

My teeth punishthe inside of my cheek as she types.

704-555-8851: Can I call you?

Me: No

Me: I prefer messages for now

The gray wigglesat the bottom of our thread disappear after a minute of me watching them, so I swipe over to another app and busy myself with videos of Robert Irwin. I’ve seen the same video of him talking to this koala no less than a hundred times, but it’s something about the cadence of his speech and the way he calls it ‘darling’ that relaxes me every time. Grinning at my phone, I nudge my glasses up my nose and scroll farther down his page until I get a notification.

704-555-8851: I don’t even know where to begin, but I will say that leaving you was never the plan

Me: But it’s the plan you stuck to. For over 20 years

Me: So why are you saying something now?

704-555-8851: Your father’s death gave me courage

I kiss my teeth.I don’t mean to, but it happens, and I’m left staring at nothing while her words sink in. Courage? She got to wait until he was out of the picture, butIhad to endure it? Hoping she’d randomly show up one day and change her mind about leaving us.

Me: So, I wouldn’t be hearing from you if he was still alive?

704-555-5581: Delilah, this is all so complicated

Me: Then make me understand. Because I would have never done what you did.

704-555-5581: You have every right to be upset

704-555-5581: You did nothing to deserve being born into that house. But when I left, he didn’t let me take you

Me: You tried to take me?

704-555-5581: Of course I did. You were my baby

Me: Weston said you left because ofme

Me: That doesn’t make sense if you tried to take me

704-555-5581: Oh, honey.

704-555-5581: I don’t know what your relationship is with your brother but he’s a liar just like your father

I know that.Mywhole lifeis evidence of that. But every time someone reminds me, it’s like I’m being flayed open to showcase all the shortcomings my naivety helped slip through the cracks.

704-555-5581: He lost his mother at a very young age, and I tried to fill in those gaps. But my priority was you, Delilah.

Me: What?

704-555-5581: I guess that’s on me. I was young and didn’t realize how much losing his mother affected him. I just wanted to be everything to him and your father, and it backfired